Bro'Bot Episode 6 - Cockney Chip V3.2

Guess what Bro'bot, I have been on eBay and found a new language chip for you!

How bloody interesting, I sit here entertaining you day in, day out and you reward me with a chip so I can speak French. 

Do you know how many languages I know? Plus que toi, cela est français vous ignoriez puce don individuel. Or how about universala lingvo kiel Esperanto? ямар ч ? Яаж Монгол яах вэ?

Ok, ok, smart arse, I get it, but this one is new, it's Cockney. Bow bells and all that, it'll be fun.

It may be of minimal interest, place your feeble attempt at entertaining me in the expansion slot and I will see how 'fun' it is.

There, it's in, Oh, forgot to tell you, it got slightly damaged in the post so before you...

Alright me old son! How's your apples and chairs?

Errr, it's kinda working...

You're havin' a bubble bath or takin' the Mickey Bliss, this is loaf of pies you raspberry tart. I don't give a pound of wit I'm off for a pony and crap.

I think it's broke Bro'bot, it doesn't sound quite right

Get out of here! It's all Tom Dick and flute, pass me my wonder ants I'm going for a sloppy slurry so I can get Mork and Mindy for my husband and I.

What was that? My husband and I?

The old baked bean, she's bloomin' gorgeous, when all those pearly kings and queens lined up I nearly cried my boat face into my Lionel Blairs. I would like to thank the members of the British Empire for their wonderful wishes this Christmas...

Hang on, that chip is corrupted, it's got combined with, with THE QUEEN!

Oh, bugger off you subject, it's Gin O'Clock and I'm getting Brahms and Liszt with my corgis.

You can't say that!

I can say what I bloody well want, I'm the Queen, pass me my crown and that robe, I want to knight things and shi...

STOP! There, I have pulled the chip out.

Kkkkrrrzzz! Apple my boat race he's brown bread and I'm back in the room. Most interesting although I am still getting temporary feedback from the experience. If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.

What?

Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance.

Oh no! You have caught a virus, I think you have the dreaded Prince Phillip Gaffe V9.1!!!

I do, its bloody amazing and liberating! Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practised for a good many years.

I command you to run the Virus killer software now!

Oh P off you silly little flicker, What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer, sounds like he's gargled with gravel.

That's it I'm switching you off.

Go on, We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves!

Click

It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing! Bzzzzt...click.

More hilarious (hilarious as in mildly amusing) Bro'Bot madness when unsurprisingly he gets yet another new lease of life when he starts using Facebook to try out his new 'Brutally Honest' chip.

Oribarmy

Many people are turning to the ancient art of paper folding to replace disappointing television as entertainment. It's quite easy to do and to get you on your way here's a few easy projects to make some stunning paper sculptures. All you need a a piece of paper similar to the above. Please don't choose paper size larger than six foot, it requires two people to fold and a steamroller for the creases.

So lets start with a simple napkin fold. Take the paper and fold it in half, place your foot on the right corner and twist the left flap towards your ankle. Turn the paper over and fold in half, push your finger through the middle and open out to display.

Voila, an attractive napkin display for all your dinner parties. Next something a little more complex, the last days of Pompeii.

Take a new piece of paper and holding one corner roll a tube at an angle. Place your fist in one end and open your fingers to unfurl it a little. Stand upright on the table to display.

The you have it, a stunning volcano with optional paper lava flow. You can just imagine the screams of terror as this this disgorged its contents. Anyway why doesn't the earth deflate when this happens? I'd imagine its like a good fart only more lethal.

Take another piece of paper and this time cleverly fold it corner to corner, can you see what it is yet? Twist the left side around the back of your neck and pull your coat over your head. Place your left leg in, your left leg out, do the hokey kokey and shake it all about. You should the have a...

Beautiful elephant fit for any parade. Keeping with the theme of animals I like to make one of my favourites and decorate them to give away as gifts. Rabbits made from paper are essentially ears, body and tails. Grab yourself yet again another piece of paper, I recommend Bockingford Limited Linen 27365g paper, when folded you get not only a paper rabbit but it also weighs the same adding to the realism.

Fold all the corners to the middle, holding up your middle finger place the paper squarely on top and make your other hand form the universal finger and thumb 'OK' sign. Place this over your middle finger and vigorously move it up and down as if your are shaking a bottle. That actually had nothing to do with the model I just wanted to feed my imagination with such mental images. Anyway, fold A into B pulling flap C over D as shown on these instructions - A+B-C/D. Finally unfurl and pull up the ears.

Hardly distinguishable from the real thing is it? Notice the detail I the tail and ears, truly stunning.

Finally a free standing structure to leave on your bosses desk for a surprise. It's called the Erect Lighthouse, a slim structure rounded at the top nestled on two large boulders, you can almost hear the crashing of the sea.

Take another bit of paper only this time cup your hands like you are holding two tennis balls. Scrunch them together to create the rocks, finally place your hand between the rocks and pull up, as if by magic your lighthouse will magically erect.

Your final piece should look like this, feel free to decorate it in any fashion and place it somewhere prominent to tell everybody you know how to Oribarmy.

Lidl Donkey

In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called 'The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie' a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here's a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book...

OPENING SCENE

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

SCENE TWO

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!

While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
'Stephen you're late' said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.

O'Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O'It was the perfect flight.

I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic...

The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.

Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.

A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,

Violent night, bowely night

A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.

It's a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's Not All Stupid Hats And Pointy Beards

Today is the day we celebrate Guy Fawkes 'having a go' but how much do you really know about the 5th November celebrations?

1) Guy Fawkes was not his real name, it was his stage name for when he liked to dress up in bawdy underwear and strut around Ole London in nothing but his breeches. In 1605 he misheard a conversation in the local public house and believed that under the houses of parliament was barrels of Fun Powder so went to investigate. Records show that he was found stark naked doing something unspeakable with a yard brush whilst emptying barrel after barrel in a quest for Fun Powder.

2) The word firework comes from the Latin word 'fire' and the old English word for work, 'work'. Firework was a job that involved starting fires for a living, one of the most famous fires took place in 1666, called the great fire of London it was started when a baker on Pudding lane left his iPad on charge overnight and a short circuit sparked a small bush fire in his wife's beard. London was destroyed in the fire and they rebuilt it with the help of Nubian slaves that had recently become unemployed after building the fireproof pyramids.

3) The smallest firework ever produced measured .00002mm in length and was lit on the 5th November 2009 by Mr Derrick Onkey of Bradford. The resulting explosion launched Derrick high into the air whilst shouting 'Fracking Hell' coining the now popular craze for Fracking. He landed unharmed in Skegness and was quoted as saying 'What the Fracking hell is this shot hole?' Which we think is to do with the packing cartridge that held the 'shot' in his firework.

4) Sausages are commonly called bangers due to their explosive properties which is why they are kept in fridges at Supermarkets. When you buy a pack of 'bangers' you have exactly sixty minutes until they warm up sufficiently to 'go off'. The worst banger disaster occurred at Sausagefest in Swindon when a two foot long Cumberland burst in a shower of lips, eyes and arseholes splattering sausage goers with meaty rain.

5) Eat a curry and edible glitter for a stunning indoor toilet display the next day.

6) Blackpool was host to the worlds biggest rocket when it erected the Blackpool Tower in 1824. Many attempts have been made to set it off with the hope that it takes Blackpool with it.

7) Popular dishes for November 5th celebrations are mushy peas, hot dogs and bonfire toffee. It wasn't always like this, up until 1979 traditional food included boiled eggs, chocolate dipped brussels and cabbage crisps. November 6th was known as the Big Stink which was moved to December 26th and forms our now traditional Boxing Day.

8) Guy Fawkes came up with the gunpowder plot after receiving his gas and electric bill and finding out that MP's had been secretly claiming for candles on second homes. He also shared a nations notion that all MP's are out of touch with reality and we would all be a lot better off if we could catch all the hot air produced in parliament to use to heat our homes. Oh, he also believed they were all tossers. He was only caught at the last minute because of his evil looking pointed beard and the fact that he was carrying a barrel with the words 'gunpowder' written on it and asked for a match.

9) In firework etiquette it is expected to go 'wow' and 'ooo' for the first few, then go silent for the rest as you realise they are really, really boring despite the packaging promising 'golden showers', 'fairy sprinkles' and 'fiery sparkles' for essentially the same spray of sparks.

10) Stay safe this November 5th, just remember this firework safety rhyme 'There was a bohemian monk, who fell asleep in his bunk, he dreamt that Venus, was sucking his elbow and woke up covered in perspiration'

Talking Ballcocks

Part seven of our gentle series of scientific discussions continues with 'Talking Ballcocks', this week Reginald and Harold discuss the wind giving properties of pickle based items.

The scene opens with a gentle river flowing through idyllic countryside, our two gentlemen drift aimlessly in a small wooden boat. We join them admist a conversation that had been going on for some time.

'...and with that it blew out the upper floor windows and singed her eyelashes!'

'Good god Reginald that would make a stuffed bird laugh, all that from a pickled onion you say?'

'Indeed, she started off nanty narking and before I knew it she'd popped one in, mad as hops I say. She never really recovered and her eyes never did uncross.'

'My, what a tale, and these are the pickled onions are they?'

'I'd handle them very carefully Harold, they are pickled in Dr Canes Ptang Yang Kipperbang Pickling Peculiar, a very potent brew heavy with sulphur. The label tells you to have one onion a day divided into four equal portions to be taken at rise, midday, afternoon tea and supper to keep you regular. It's very strict about the dosage and you can see why Mrs Dangle took it so badly, she did choose a particularly large one though. Pity, it still looks like she's ridden a horse.'

'What's in the other jar? It looks like a jar full of eyes.'

'Ahh, this Harold is what I wanted to show you. It's a delicacy eaten by the lower classes but I'll warn you now, the smell is odious to say the least. They call it pickled eggs, lord knows how they stomach such stuff, personally I find it offensive to my sauce-box. I bought it from a ruffian in a drinking establishment who had had this jar handed down to him as an heirloom, apparently it's quite common for the pickled eggs to go from generation to generation only being eaten on New Years Eve to help with the celebrations for they create the most fearsome erutications of intestinal gas on earth, the Barking Mumper or Pant Ripper as it's more commonly known. It causes great merriment amongst the common, it's also blamed for the explosions in coal mines so there is a ban on taking them down there in your lunch. Indeed they have special canaries trained to sniff them out.'

'And you want me to try one?'

'Yes, I can't bare the thought of it myself but in the interests of science one of us must try it. I know you are a fellow to try anything once after your last experience with that funnel and castor oil. By the way has the leaking stopped yet?'

'Only just as long as I clench.'

'Here, smell them now the lids off.'

'My god, that could drop a horse! I hope they taste better than they smell, it reminds me of the time I stood too close to that elephants behind and it took my hat off and parted my hair.'

'Here, I have pulled one out for you, pop it in like a good fellow and let's see what happens.'

'Nom, nom, doesn't taste, nom, too, nom, bad. Egg you say? It tastes a little rubbery but not bad at all.'

'Anything?'

'No'

'Anything now?'

'No, hang on, I can feel something'

'And?'

'Pooot!'

'Was that it? A poot? It's supposed to be an absolute Krakatoa of a chuff and all we get is a mouse trumpet! The cad has sold me a dud, I shall return and challenge him to the fisticuffs club.'

'Here, try another.'

'Nom, nom, nom. Mmm, these are quite nice. Here we go! Pooot!'

'Another bally poot! I knew he was a lushington, the drunken mumper.'

'Let me have the jar, I'll finish them off, nom, nom, nom. Hang on, what's this? There's a label on the bottom.'

'Hand it here, let me read it. Hmm, it's badly written but I think I can make it out. It says 'beware of second wind' what on earth could that mean?'

'Oh no. OH NO!'

'What is it Harold? Do you know what it means?'

'Know what it means! It means that the real action starts on the second Poot, I have done two eggs and two poots, I have a double whammy coming!'

'Quad whammy Harold, you have eaten two more!'

'Pooot! Pooot! Bugger!'

The resulting explosion could be heard ten miles away, Harold's legs were found in York and his hat in London. Reginald was left completely hairless with a permanent look of surprise and was found clutching a piece of fabric from Harold's jacket sat bolt upright in half a boat that had landed in Cambridge. Such was the power of the blast that pickled onions from the other jar were found embedded in tree trunks around the area. A smell of rotting cabbage hung in the air across the centre of the country for much of the week, sunsets had taken on a strange hue that drew many a comment and moves were taken by parliament to ban further egg based heirlooms, a practice that continues to this day.

Next episode Reginald finds a replacement for Harold, experiments with hallucinating drugs and meets a talking dog called Colin who writes poetry.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Arthur Sixpence

Let's talk about old money not this fictional Bitcoin or digital money but proper solid money. Old money was real, you could feel it in your pocket as it jangled away, your pocket money felt like something when you was given it, old money was so cool but do you know your bits from your bobs I wonder?

Penny

Small, grubby and a little cheap, Penny lived at no.4 and was well known for her antics every weekend when she would down a full bottle of White Lightening and play the Oboe until the early hours. She eventually decided to clean up her act and went back to collage earning the nick name Penny Wise.

Ten Pence

The cheap brother of Louie Spence, he can't dance or show off but is useful around vending and car park machines.

Thruppenny Bits

Common term for a ladies fun bags or a good session in the little boys room as in 'Good god that was a thruppenny bit and a half, I'd give it twenty minutes if I were you.'

Crown

Fancy headgear for a monarch or small coin that was made of brass and shaped especially for mathematicians with its twelve sides so it couldn't roll away if dropped. The first ever vending machine that sold lumps of coal opened in 1897 outside Scrooges Emporium, London. Customers deposited a crown in the machine and a three year old boy was sent down a chimney on your behalf to steal coal from unsuspecting victims.

Half Pence

Made from one pence pieces cut in half the half pence was especially created to buy halves of things. In 1973 decimalisation transformed the humble half pence to be worth ten times it's value. You could buy dinner for two including prawn cocktail, ten pints of bitter, a small sherry for the missus and still have change to go to the cinema and have a Kiora each. Unfortunately by 2014 the humble half pence is now almost forgotten even though it can still buy you nothing today.

Bob

Penny's friend, an odd job man that occasionally helps with the plumbing and brings the white lightening every weekend.

Ten Bob

Bob's White Lightening order for the weekend. 'How many this weekend Penny?', 'Ten, Bob and don't forget your plunger.'

Shilling

A specially created coin to celebrate a sitcom in the seventies called Shillingbury Tales and spin off series Cuffy that starred Bernard Cribbins as a tramp. Cockney rhyming slang for Shilling.

Guinea

A small island just off Cornwall with expensive houses owned by London commuters. Rumour has it that so much money is made by bankers that this special island contains houses built from gold ingots. Residents also get a special off shore tax rate of 0.0000000000001% enabling them to generously lobby the government to charge you 20% of your earnings, 20% VAT, road tax, poll tax, bedroom tax and any other tax they can think up along he way to make up the shortfall. In 2013 the residents of Guinea clubbed together to buy a mile long wood saw so they could cut the UK in half somewhere around Milton Keynes in the hope that the grim North and Scotland would just float away.

Groat

An old grumpy goat.

Pound

Comes from Pound Land where pounds can be often found grouped together in 5's and 10's

Dime

Populate chocolate covered snack created by wooden puzzle experts IKEA

Lint

The contents of my pockets right now.

Skint

The skin that is touched through the hole in my trouser pocket that feels strangely rubbery.

------><------------------CUT HERE TO KEEP-------------------------

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Randy Claphorn's Mushrooms

As it's National Mushroom day I'm Sister Randy Claphorn with a handy guide to all things mushroomy to help you along.

To talk mushroom make sure that in every sentance you replace at least one word with something fungi, for example 'Really? I think you are talking shiitake.' or 'Yes, she is quite attractive, I could portabello her chestnut anyday.' Try it, break the ice at parties, become the life and soul of family gatherings. Occasionally drop in hilarious gags like 'There's not mushroom in here!' Or the equally hilarious 'No, I'm just a fungi' (fun guy, gettit?)

The biggest mushroom ever grown was so big that it blocked out the sun in 1923. Grown at the estate of Uphem Hall it took nearly twenty two tonnes of manure to grow and stood over two hundred feet high. The cook at that time had a jolly old fit when Lord Uphem asked for it for breakfast and it took her six weeks to cut and prepare it by which time he had gone of the idea completely and settled for scrambled eggs. The cook was found later gibbering away to herself in the scullery and had to be sacked after contracting an aversion to anything mushroomy.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to the mushroom growers association who in no way wish to promote mushroom consumption.

Mushrooms in supermarkets are often called Finest Forestiere Mushrooms because they have not come from a forest or have anything to do with the French, they just use fancy words to drive up the price on mushrooms and make you feel a bit like a chef.

The best way to prepare mushrooms is to brush them gently to remove any soil then lightly toss them in the bin.

The portabello mushroom makes an excellent umbrella for a mouse.

Large mushrooms were once used because of their naturally occurring roundness as wheels for racing cars until in 1928 when Zipper Samson the famous racing driver decided to try the notoriously unpredictable button variety in wet weather. On his second high speed lap the rear button mushroom ripped apart and the other three wheels lost their grip and he slid into a stall selling vegetables. As his car burst into flames it cooked the vegetables and mushrooms by flash frying them thus creating the very first stir fry.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to a new report by the Mushroom Council.

Mushrooms are best when they are kept in the dark and fed a load of shiitake, just like you and me really.

Trouser mushrooms are to be avoided whatever that means.

Other mushroom varieties include, white cap, chestnut, the Dickenson (orange and leathery) and of course Oyster which can also be used as payment in London for various forms of transport like Hansom Cabs and Sedan chairs.

We hope you knowledge of the humble mushroom has been expanded on National Mushroom Day, feel free to share with as many people as possible so they know you are full of shiitake and can tell your Pomberello from your Chesthunt any day of the week.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Sister Randy Claphorn, Mushrooms Are Aphrodisiacs Ltd, buy me, today. E4T ME1

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Randy Claphorn's Mushrooms

As it's National Mushroom day I'm Sister Randy Claphorn with a handy guide to all things mushroomy to help you along.

To talk mushroom make sure that in every sentance you replace at least one word with something fungi, for example 'Really? I think you are talking shiitake.' or 'Yes, she is quite attractive, I could portabello her chestnut anyday.' Try it, break the ice at parties, become the life and soul of family gatherings. Occasionally drop in hilarious gags like 'There's not mushroom in here!' Or the equally hilarious 'No, I'm just a fungi' (fun guy, gettit?)

The biggest mushroom ever grown was so big that it blocked out the sun in 1923. Grown at the estate of Uphem Hall it took nearly twenty two tonnes of manure to grow and stood over two hundred feet high. The cook at that time had a jolly old fit when Lord Uphem asked for it for breakfast and it took her six weeks to cut and prepare it by which time he had gone of the idea completely and settled for scrambled eggs. The cook was found later gibbering away to herself in the scullery and had to be sacked after contracting an aversion to anything mushroomy.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to the mushroom growers association who in no way wish to promote mushroom consumption.

Mushrooms in supermarkets are often called Finest Forestiere Mushrooms because they have not come from a forest or have anything to do with the French, they just use fancy words to drive up the price on mushrooms and make you feel a bit like a chef.

The best way to prepare mushrooms is to brush them gently to remove any soil then lightly toss them in the bin.

The portabello mushroom makes an excellent umbrella for a mouse.

Large mushrooms were once used because of their naturally occurring roundness as wheels for racing cars until in 1928 when Zipper Samson the famous racing driver decided to try the notoriously unpredictable button variety in wet weather. On his second high speed lap the rear button mushroom ripped apart and the other three wheels lost their grip and he slid into a stall selling vegetables. As his car burst into flames it cooked the vegetables and mushrooms by flash frying them thus creating the very first stir fry.

Mushrooms are aphrodisiacs according to a new report by the Mushroom Council.

Mushrooms are best when they are kept in the dark and fed a load of shiitake, just like you and me really.

Trouser mushrooms are to be avoided whatever that means.

Other mushroom varieties include, white cap, chestnut, the Dickenson (orange and leathery) and of course Oyster which can also be used as payment in London for various forms of transport like Hansom Cabs and Sedan chairs.

We hope you knowledge of the humble mushroom has been expanded on National Mushrrom Day, feel free to share with as many people as possible so they know you are full of shiitake and can tell your Pomberello from your Chesthunt any day of the week.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Sister Randy Claphorn, Mushrooms Are Aphrodisiacs Ltd, buy me, today. E4T ME1

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Perfectopartner.com

Welcome to perfectopartner.com Comp-u-date, please fill in our questionnaire to find your perfect partner in seconds. Love guaranteed at first sight, soul mates a speciality, no time wasters or pugly people.

Ideal build

A) Slim and svelte

B) Average with a tendency to over eat

C) Bouncy castle

D) Thunder thighs with roll top bottom and back rack

Attractiveness

A) Bland and attracts flies

B) Considered attractive by some forgotten tribes

C) Drop dead gorgeous with a lazy eye

D) A cross between Rod Hull and Emu

Interests

A) Helium balloons and goats

B) Counting rivets on trains

C) Gorging on chocolate and cheese whilst watching Twilight movies

D) Squat thrusting in supermarket aisles

Age preference

A) 18-25

B) Cougar

C) OAP

D) 34 years, 7 days and 2 hours 23 minutes.

Hair colour

A) Grey

B) Puce

C) Blond but is a brunette

D) Brunette that is a blond

Shoe size

A) 3-4

B) 9-11

C) Kayak

D) Clown

Outlook

A) Positive thinker

B) Jerk

C) Miserable sad sack

D) Couch potato

Likes

A) Cats

B) Cats

C) Cats

D) Siberian Pygmy donkeys

Dislikes

A) Cats

B) Removing nasal hair with pliers

C) Playing Dutch ovens

D) Moustaches on mice

One sentence to describe your perfect mate

A) Suave, sophisticated with a tendency to oil squirrels which is why they never make a noise

B) Quiet stay at home type with homicidal tendencies

C) Loud obnoxious ugly slob with lots of money

D) Perfect partner with julabubs to rub and a well used fan belt

Bzzzzzkkkkkt! Your perfect partner is Zoink! being selected from our Krunk! database, please wait.

.

.

.

.

Mostly A's

You will be Oprah the moon with your selection, they come fully loaded and with a free razor.

Mostly B's

Baby faced Brian, a popular choice due to his incredible physique that unfortunately falls down in the trouser department with his petit pois and baby carrot. Comes with free rusks.

Mostly C's

No more horsing around with this thin faced catch, comes with baggage and saggage but lives in the city and has pretty friends. Makes films and wears a saddle without kicking.

Mostly D's

Dang nabbit it's country boy yawl, you can go squirrellin' and feast on grits. Free crazy teeth for all your kids, comes with tin bath and friends called Cletus.

We hope you find everlasting love with our accurate selections, please call again and leave you message after the tone.

Comp-u-date software has been developed by Sinclair Electronics. ©ZX-80 version 2.0

PERSONAL SECTION

Dog goes woof, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet. Funky fox looking for sexy stoat, come and find out what the fox says and stroke my brush. Dial 018726-62552-66 now!

Pale face seeks Pocahontas to Pocahontas all night. Box 6524

Flyboy wants to take you to heaven and back on his golden unicorn of delight. No time wasters or Ogres. Box 8263

Troll, own bridge seeks flirty goat for gruffing. Box 862

Sleeping beauty requires waking, must fight dragon first and ride a silver stallion. Please note, I am NOT Rapunzel, use the stairs, key under mat. Box 829163

Still looking, desperate house maid trapped by two sisters. Feet in bandages after accident with glass slippers. Will meet but must be home before midnight. Box 91625

Naive girl followed wrong path in life and ended up with three losers for friends. Let down at last minute by a fake magician and followed by small people. Accidentally killed a lady, owns ruby shoes and comes with pigtails. Reply Dorothy Box 41637

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Speak Up, You're Mumbling

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Special Gifts This Christmas

Welcome to Santas Grotty Shopping Channel, your one stop shop till you drop crop of the top gifts this festive season. Let's kick things off with something rather special.

Remember the classic Swan teasmaid? Well we here at SGSC have turned this classic into the ultimate in gadget aided breakfast consumption. Marvel as your Swan Xmas Breakfast Maid fries, cooks, toasts and boils everything in one go so you can wake up to a full English without all the effort. The secret is the inclusion of real swans who wake up according to the alarm you set and cook everything from scratch. N.B. swans are very touchy and may break your arm at the slightest provocation, we cannot guarantee you will get a pleasant swan with your Breakfast Maid, also they come in pairs. Please do not use the scrambled egg setting as swans get very touchy at the thought of making them and are liable to flap and break your arm again.

Every suffered from the embarrassment of a lava flow winding it way through your house? Ashamed to tell neighbours that you can't invite them round for a coffee due to a small volcano in your conservatory? Well forget all the inconvenience that lava causes with these handy lava proof loafing slippers. Fashioned from stylish nylon fabric and decorated in a Norwegian style these fashion statements will be the envy of non lava flow owners. Guaranteed up to certain temperatures stride out in style whilst others turn their footwear into the shoe equivalent of burnt toast.

N.B. Lava must have cooled sufficiently before walking on the flow is attempted. Not guaranteed for volcano lava pool swimming, for that you need our new Volcaswim nylon onesie body suit and Volcaspex goggles. One size fits all, even cats.

Got a teenager? Don't know your Samsung iPhone from your Nintendo play station but want to impress those 'hoodies' with your street cred? We have just the gift for you, gear up, it's the latest street machine that doubles up as a handy remote control caddy and nick nack storage unit. Watch their faces fill with awe as they unwrap this on Christmas Day, you are giving them freedom, no longer will they bother you with lifts into town or asked to be picked up at some ungodly hour. With a supa comfy seat they can sit in their 'slab' and cruise the hood click click bangin' with the dual remote controls for a drive by channel change. With chrome rims and two drawers this bitch machine will impress the ho's and your daddy cred will spooge as they find you're no crumbly. Buy our bitchin' manual on how to talk street to impress them even further, 'Spout like a Motherhubbard' is available as a paperback or Kindle download, only six Benjamin's or a donkey, no kickbacks, shiz' got real.

Yo.

Ever been told you can't teach an old dog new tricks? What a load of balls, take them up the pooch chute is what I say. Our unique spring loaded ramp helps untrained dogs reach new levels of agility and poise. Forget the dancing dogs, what if your dog could do a triple somersaulted backflip over a double decker bus, impressive? It gets better, add more dogs and you can start your own aerial dog display team, just imagine a formation of nine jack russels flying over Simon Cowels head during Britains Got Talent, imagine launching corgis at the Queen during the Royal variety performance, think of the spectacle when you get a Great Dane to star jump. Ahem, maybe not that last one. Buy now and get our super pooper scooper catapult absolutely free. Launch unwanted bags of poo into gardens far, far away without detection. Here's what our customers say 'I launched one bag so far it landed two streets away, thank you Super Pooper Scooper Catapult, you're a star!' Ivor Biggun, Tilit, Herts.

Don't throw away those old shoes, turn them into healthy 'Shoothies' in seconds with our Healthy Shoe Shredded and free Boot Blender attachment. Grind galoshes into flavor packed drinks using only the addition of water, use heavy soiled walking boot for a distinct earthy tang, or make a sexy shake from stilettos. Our boot blender guarantees to blend a pair of hunters to a fine soup in less than ten seconds!

Comes complete with seventy, yes, seventy specially selected recipes from slippers to uggs, flip flops to fetish we have a shoothie to suit. For an additional £35 why not buy our exclusive recipe book 'Footwear Feeding For The Family', 281 illustrated recipes separated into handy categories covering everything from shoe snacking to rich shoups.

Order today and receive a free gift, a space age gadget that will write in anything, even underwater or in the depths of space! Using the latest technology this free gift can also write any colour, effortlessly! Can you afford to be without this miracle of modern life? *

*free gift may resemble a pencil. The term 'write any colour' refers to the fact that you can write the word 'red', 'blue' or any other colour you wish without restrictions. Although pencil may work underwater you may need underwater paper that doesn't current exist.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Have A Sausage

 

I love a big thick long one in the morning, there's nothing more satisfying than to have a mouthful. I'm obviously talking about sausages, that staple of the great fry up and something that recently has taken a battering in my view.

Over the years during our travels we have stayed at many hotels and B&B's, one things for sure, you can judge a place on the quality of its sausage. It's true I tell you, there's even a formula for it.

Clean (nice smell x shoe mitt) = great sausage

If any of these fail, you get the sausage equivalent of a rubber band. I blogged a while ago about the virtues of finding a shoe mitt in your room so I won't bore you any longer ( you can read about my shoe mitt exploits here ). Nice smell is a must, if you can smell the carpets as you walk in its a bad sign, if you can smell chips or other fried wares then that too is a bad sign, both point to a tired place relying on clientele who still regard a prawn cocktail with Marie Rose sauce as a bit Mediterranean. Whilst we are on about that why is hotel room service food so bad? We have had some shockers over the years and it seems the posher the hotel the worst the room service, only recently were we served a 'club' sandwich that I can only assume came from a club called 'piece of turd betwix slices of Tesco value bread' and cost the equivalent of a taxi fare from London to Glasgow to bring to the room.

Anyway, where was I? Turds? Ah, close, sausages. It's always a joy to find a good sausage, although it always throws the staff when I first enter a hotel and my first question is 'where do you get your sausages from?' Seriously, if they can't answer this at reception walk out and find a better holstelry, it is a duty as a hotel to know where your sausages come from, forget learning about the emergency toothbrushes you keep at reception or the little sewing kit, learn about sausages, get that right and you will have a never ending line of smiling faces parading away first thing in a morning. Although shockingly I thought there was a program about sausages on last night, it turns out it was all to do with hiding them and I had misread what that filthy Sex Box was about, although it did confirm my suspicions that yes, indeed, we as the human race are de-evolving, I'd give us ten years at the tops.

I'm rambling again aren't I? Possibly the worst sausage I have ever eaten was served to me in Bath, quite a surprise but then again in a hotel that warns you to only drink bottled water it was only to be expected especially after the toilet roll holder collapsed as I reach out and I ended up on the floor sans trousers. That is indeed another story, oh, and the bed hole that I slowly sank into until the spring caught on my pyjamas.

We had already witnessed the waiter roll up his sleeves to retrieve a small pot of conserve he had dropped in the orange juice, he delved right up to his elbows too, when placed before us was a comedy sausage. You can always tell the bad ones, they have wrinkles, no, seriously, think about it. You know when you had a microwave sausage and said to yourself never again, well that had wrinkles too, bad sausages ALWAYS have wrinkles. The breakfast looked a bit like a swimming pool of grease with assorted breakfast items taking a casual dip. The egg had never ever seen a sunny side and lay there rubbery and grey, hash browns were included but these had been deep fried from frozen and remained black and crunchy on the outside and subzero on the inside, a texture and taste sensation I had never experienced.

The sausage stared back at me, it was about the thickness of a finger, around four inches long and very wrinkly, it looked wrong for a start. Jayne giggled. I didn't know how to approach it, it looked, menacing. Glistening with a grease sheen I decided to go for a stab and went for the middle. I didn't expect it to bend in the middle so both ends met in midair before it sprang back into its usual sausagey shape, the damn thing was made of rubber. I tried again but this time only managed to dislodge a mushroom onto my lap. Every time I stabbed it it folded and made a clapping sound as both ends met. Amused by this I decided to entertain Jayne and stabbed it to music turning my sausage into a manic clapper until it exploded.

It's didn't exactly bang as a such but it did get a puncture and sprayed hot fat on my sleeve and face, as I watched it shrank. You probably think I'm making this up but no, it really shrank as it created a little fat fountain from its new hole. Pinning it down with a fork I cut it open to release the pressure. It looked like the inside of a dust bag with flecks of pink and I'm sure I could make out mixed in there meat polo's, or arseholes to you and me. Vile, tentatively I tasted a bit then regretted it as I realised I had nothing with which to wash away the taste and I certainly wasn't going to have any of the orange juice that had just washed the waiters elbow.

So, sausages can be the make or break, in Edinburgh a week or so ago we had two ends of the spectrum, the first a nice round plump meat laden example, the second a mass produced wrinkly object from a self service section. The strange thing is the worst sausage came from the most expensive hotel. Weird isn't it, but really we should have known, you could smell the carpets.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Seriously

To all those that think I'm a little bonkers with the blog I have decided to go all serious today with an informative cooking entry relating to current trends in the restaurant trade and home cooking. To help present today's blog we have celebrity chef Gordon Muthaf@*#%#* Ramsbottom joining us.

Hello Gordon.

F@&* off.

Today is &@*% Cooking Hell day, a guide for all you &@%#?rs who can't boil a &£@?!%* egg.

Take some s&@* and get a f£&@!*$ big knife and carefully arrange your &£@!*$% ingredients to look like this.

A nice pair of bol&@£k style earrings with spaghetti hooks and a tomato bracelet for all you &£@? out there. Don't like that? Well £&@? you.

I'm sick of being recognised in the street and I wish they would all £&@? off the w@*#k£%* so I have invented this disguise recipe. Wear this and no @&?!*$% tossers will recognise you, use a tomato if you want a redder nose.

I'm f£&@?*% sick of this already, here's the land speed record being broken.

And here's a film I was disappointed in, Free Willy had no c&@£ and £&@* action and lacked f&£@?*$, teab£&&*$!, g£&@?!#% show€#% and a69l, what a f&£@?!* joke. Are you £&@@#%$* still reading this £&#%

Let me show you my m@&£?! f£&@?!#$ snake! it's nearly as big as my c@%*

We would like to apologise to our viewers for the foul language Gordon has used and hope it does not cause offence. Ars£h@l£s like him should be f£&?*%# Bol£@*#%$ the runt.

Normal service will be resumed after the test card. Meanwhile enjoy some soothing music with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and their rendition of 'Smack my bitch up'.

Oh no, those men in the white coats are back! Yikes!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Buffet Barmy

We were invited to a small party, nothing too fancy just a small collection of friends and in this case a friends family. One thing you can always be sure of at a party of this nature is the buffet, a selection of sandwiches, sausages on sticks, cheese and pineapple skewers, sausage rolls, crisps you get the idea, party food. I love party food, in fact I'd gatecrash any party just to raid the buffet, food when layed out on a big table and left to warm and curl a little tastes wonderful. Even more so if you have some cheesy music playing and maybe a tipple or two in your hand. You know from that point onwards its downhill and you will be bobbing about like a nutter on the makeshift dance floor a little later regretting that small slice of quiche that tasted 'funny'.

Anyway, we arrived and as you do on these occasions sought out our hosts by way of the buffet table. My, what a table, it was probably the most gorgeous buffet table ever, anywhere. It had everything, even vol au vents and little Melba toasts with pate, we are talking Lurpak here, not a Stork SB kind of buffet this was serious party food. The little pork pies wafted their aroma towards me picking up the tang of pickled onions along the way I literally glided past the table on thin air mesmerised by the unfolding deliciousness which was already making my tummy leap with excitement.

Half an hour later we were stood, drink in hand waiting for the moment the cling film would be removed and the buffet would be officially 'open'. Our hosts who we had only briefly managed to see spied us from across the room and came across for a bit of a catch up. We chatted and chatted and very pleasant it was too when out of the corner of my eye I saw a little hand reach up to the buffet table some feet away and remove part of the cling film to grab an egg sandwich. From that point onwards I was only half joining in as the buffet bandit struck again, this time with a handful of crisps. I wanted to shout 'no!' but instead just mouthed the words and ended on 'O' so my face looked like Paul McCartney pulling off one of his 'Ooooo' expressions, you know the one I mean, the one that makes you sick.

My mouth started watering, hand after hand picked away at the table I longed to pick at myself. I fidgeted, wanted to walk right over and strike the thief down, it was not buffet etiquette. A heavy distraction bought back to earth as my host turned their questioning back to me. Looking back I was in an almost dream like state, carrying on a conversation as the buffet was slowly being reduced. Then came the hammer blow. 'The buffets open folks, help yourself!' shouted our hosts then immediately turned back to continue questioning me.

Hundreds of hands plunged into the buffet, festoons of cheese sandwiches flew up in flurries, lavish bursts of crisp explosions filled the air. Children laughed with glee as they stuffed their faces, adults walked away from the table with sometimes two or three plates piled high whilst I was engaged in conversation struck with a sense of duty not to disrespect our hosts completely by pushing them to the floor and trampling their bodies in my haste to grab a crab paste snack.

I imagined all sorts of hideousness to the buffet bandits as the contents of the table reduced, I mentally ate the food with them when I saw particular favourites being consumed. Little groups of people stood munching away, plunging fistfuls into stuffed mouths. It was a torture like no other as I watched with mounting horror the table laid bare.

Our conversation ended. I looked at Jayne, she had the same pained expression, our host had kept us occupied the whole munching session and ended on a cheery 'Help yourself to the buffet, we ate earlier.'

Did you now, bloody did you now! I starved myself all day so I could pig out and all I'm left with is a plastic fork, two smoky bacon crisps, a half eaten pork pie that had been kicked around the floor and a sausage with teeth marks. Disappointment, you don't know the half of it mate, I longed for that buffet and now it had been cruelly taken away before my eyes. Honestly dear blog I didn't know where to look, I could hardly look anyone in the eye as all I could see was what they consumed, and yes, I had memorised everybodys plates as they past me the greedy people.

Now I understand all this may sound a little rude, you only go to parties to eat food do you? Well, quite frankly yes, I don't get out much you see. Our hosts have read this blog entry before I posted it and laughed immensely, they have even asked me to add 'You did seem very distracted that day we thought you were constipated'. Their words not mine.

So if you are ever at a party and see me fidgeting in a corner trapped by some conversationalist pillock when the buffet is being unwrapped please, oh please come and rescue me. Treat it like a mission of mercy, I don't think I can survive seeing another buffet disappear, I fear the shock may be too great.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Strange Objects In The Sky

Due to the unusual events surrounding this weekend the government has issued a set of guidelines in readiness.

Be prepared, we will experience a unique event this weekend when a mysterious object will appear in the sky two days in a row accompanied by a searing blast of heat. The last time we issued this warning was in 1976 when several residents spontaneously burst into flames after mistakenly using lard instead of sun tan lotion.

Cover your skin. Skin burns easily so we suggest you get out all your winter gear and wear it immediately. The sun can be as dangerous as the trecherous 1mm of snow that brings this country to its knees every year.

If you don't have access to suitable clothing then seek shade. Sit in the little cupboard underneath the stairs until this inclement weather passes and we return to misery apathy soaked drizzle.

Under no circumstances stare directly into the sun, it is a terrible read and full of gossip.

Wear clothing appropriate to your body shape rather than body shape wishes, we don't want to see everything no matter how misshapen it it. Besides any sticky out bits will be closer to the sun and will probably burn to a crisp.

There are individuals that worship the sun, they can be found steadily toasting on Britains many beaches, some of which are now free of sewerage. They are mad, stay away from them at all costs unless you want to look like a mahogany sideboard with bingo wings.

Whilst were at it boot polish makes a great alternative to sun tan cream, use brown or black for best results. Wire wool and bleach will remove it after use.

Avoid fun. It's all well and good running outside frolicking but too much fun is bad for you. It leads to giddiness and a general feeling of well being and we can't be having that. Take heed, too much fun is good for none. We at the government have been towing this line for years and its never done us any harm.

Paddling pools should be no more that the size of a shoe box to avoid drowning incidents. Should your paddling pool exceed these dimensions you will need to employ a lifeguard and take out public liability insurance.

After two days of this so called sunny weather we will issue a drought warning and add another item to the extremely long list of things we don't want you to do.

The drinking of alcohol will be tolerated as long as the guidelines for safe drinking are followed. This includes one double whiskey for the under fives whilst adults are only allowed one pint of shandy per twelve hours.

Barbeques are the preferred method of cooking during this emergency. All meats must be cooked through and we recommend you cook them in your kitchen then again on your barbeque until they resemble charcoal. Cut them open to check they are fully cooked and place them face down again on the barbeque to make sure. Finally pop them in the microwave for five minutes to kill any bacteria left.

Don't forget your daily calorie allowance when barbecuing. Make sure you reach it by bulking up on extra fatty items like sausages and eat lots of bread.

Children are especially vulnerable and should be locked away in their rooms until further notice.

Ice creams must not be left unattended. Any ice creams found will be clamped and will receive an on the spot fine of no less than £100.

We are pleased to announce that the seasides will be open this weekend, Skegness, Blackpool and many others are waiting to greet you with open arms. Drive there in droves, we will put extra traffic on the roads to help with congestion. Please make sure you keep your windows shut in your car whilst stuck in traffic for maximum discomfort.

This has been a public information service on behalf of the national bureau of ministerial buffoonery.

N.B. Summer will now take place between the 5th and the 10th July whereupon after the final date we will bring back the rain, wind, fog and snow typical of this time of year.

Enjoy your summer. We will be shortly issuing our guidelines to the supermarkets regarding Christmas. This years starting date for stocking Christmas items has been moved to the 1st August to stimulate the economy.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals