Speak Up, You're Mumbling

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I Have A Tiddler

(Pretend you are Pam Ayres when you read this it may help)

I only have a small one, a tiddler to you and me

To please the folk I give it a poke but a tiddlers hardly glee

Although its short its as straight as it ought, but it's no pleasure to see

In bad light it might feel alright and even fit the bill, but really I'm just getting old and my tiddlers over the hill.

 

You can see my dilemma with my short straight fella, made worse when given a chance

By a friend to enter his shed and look at his Fred, a name not given from a glance

For he had one as large as twelve inch, that bowed in the middle like a bow on a fiddle

Long thin and straight it went well past the eight, on my ruler I had bought from Lidl

 

Mine is bigger and could well be a topper, said my other friend who suddenly whipped out a whopper

We laid them all out and indeed his was a clout, it was a gobsmacking long straight show stopper

It knocked us for six and we all took a breath, astonished we were and nearly scared half to death

For on the wooden bench was a foot and a bit, straight and long it was part King Kong

A cucumber of massive proportions lay there, not the dirty end of this verse you thought let's be fair.

So if you have a small little tiddler, take heed, you can always write verse

Have a go at something like this, you really can't do any worse

We leave our poem on a lighter note, tiddlers of all sizes will always get my vote

From big ones to small they are all so different, cucumbers are like that, size is indifferent

To the taste and the flavour, from big to the small, once it's in your mouth size matters not at all.

(My ditty to the three cucumbers in my fridge)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals