Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location)

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rockstar Superstar

Are you a Rock Star, take our latest questionnaire to find out!

1. You come up with the lyrics 'I'm crazy for you babe...' What is the next line to accompany the explosions and lighting effects whilst sliding a massive power chord?

A. '...like a rampant gorilla drinking sasparilla.'

B. '...like a honky tonk country boy without a sow.'

C.'...can we fix it, yes we can!'

 

2. You have a dependancy that you hide from people, is it...

A. Horse drugs and massive amounts of ground Peruvian nose powder.

B. Baked beans and whisky.

C. Alphabetti Spaghetti

 

3. Your latest music video is about to be filmed, what is the most important thing to include?

A. Long hair, ripping guitars, explosions, hip thrusts, leather, motorbikes, smoke.

B. Free running stallions, Dusty bars and women wearing plaid.

C. A costume suited actor being followed by an army of small children singing along.

 

4. You check into a hotel as part of a national tour, your room is not up to scratch, what do you do next?

A) Drive a Pontiac Firebird up seven flights of stairs and drive it into the television and out of the window crashing into the ornamental fountain at the entrance. Stepping out of the car you undo the boot and pull out your drummer who had come along for the trippy ride man.

B) Drink yourself silly on JD whilst listening to 'Stand By Your Man' and polishing your spurs.

C) Order jelly and ice cream and settle down to watch a Disney movie.

 

5. You accidentally fall down stairs carrying your guitar and...

A. You immediately write down the tune and it becomes a number one hit, you then regularly throw yourself down stairwells with various instruments to eventually create a new concept album which you call Deep Black.

B. The fall breaks your achy breaky heart and you sing songs about the pain and misery incurred for the rest of your life whilst stroking your only friend, a horse. Later in a fickle twist of cruelty you push your daughter into the spotlight to take up your pain and inflict it back on the world.

C. The flip, flap, bang sound is just what you need to finish off your new song 'Let's Trump' which you play endlessly until children enter a catatonic state of stupor and pretend to enjoy it.

Are your a Rock Star?

Mostly A's

Sorry, but you are really, really boring. Try looking for a comfortable desk job or look for employment in a bank.

Mostly B's

Your friends would say you are the life and soul of the party but really you are a bit of a miserable drunk. Buy yourself a small Shetland pony and settle down in Milton Keynes.

Mostly C's

You Rock! Mega stardom awaits you and your pant stuffing love trumpet. Well done, you are a ROCK LEGEND!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Speak Up, You're Mumbling

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Arthur Mullards Used Donkey

CLASSIFIEDS

1987 Large Donkey

1040cc, one lady owner, good runner, full service history £4995 ono.

1998 Giraffe Convertible

Nice little family giraffe comes complete with fitted high seat, excellent full pattern bodywork £5995

1975 Vintage Gnu

Low mileage, twin horns, immaculate condition and reliable, easy to park. £3995

FOR SALE

Two large marrows, ideal for phallic vegetable arranging or just to impress girls. Optional melons available whilst stocks last. £10 the pair, will split for hairy coconuts.

Wolf proof house of straw construction. Sale due to relocation to a house of wood, contact Three Little Pigs on 0726-Blowmyhousedown. £25

Tombola ticket, face value 10p but willing to sell this potential winner for £1, prizes include tins of beans, odd socks and a packet of Polo's. You could be a winner! Ticket holder must be willing to travel to St Stephens Church Hall on the day of the jumble sale.

Tiger Feet single by the band Mud, selling due to contractual problems. Contact Showaddywaddy sometime during the 70's

Cat Aerials, cunningly designed aerials to deter unwanted birds from landing, includes cat cot should you decide to upgrade to a real cat with our hydraulic lifting mechanism to place your cat securely in the cot.

BUSINESS

Plumber, Ideal to service your old boiler, as seen in sordid cinemas. Guaranteed to always be on the job. Clothing optional, does not include BDSMUYAR or FCGHIZ scenes.

Electrician, Experienced sparky still smouldering from the last job but capable of fitting light bulbs and plugging things in. Unfortunately the shakes make taking on large jobs like actually fitting a plug problematic but willing to flick switches etc on demand.

JOBS

Shandy Drinkers required for top shandy specialist, applicants must be fully converse with shandy etiquette. Possibility of Snakebite overtime. No Guinness drinkers please, we are still trying to get the toilet clean from last time. Contact Shady Handy Shandy today.

Earn £££ at home, learn to grow animal appendages on your own body. You can really have a trunk in your trousers. Real udders a speciality for all you ladies. Tail2trunk.com.uk

PERSONALS

Male, 40's, groomed, well built gentleman with old fashioned respectable values looking for that special lady's with big knockers who goes like the clappers. BOX 82

Male, 89, Goes like the clappers but has creases. Intrigued? Preferred age 20, will consider 21 if blond.

Male, 34, Has own push bike and bike clips, looking for first girlfriend after being scared off in the 90's when I realised it wasn't a hedgehog.

Male, kinky muscular giant, loaded, looking for cross dressing bodybuilding professional wrestler to socialise with a group of like minded friends. Nothing weird. Ring and leotards supplied (cleaned between bouts)

Female, 50, professional drinker, NSFW, OMG, LOL, interests include pubs, clubs, off license etc.

Female, 39, Good looking if a bit bingo around the edges but has excellent back doors and windows.

MISC

Magic Purse found at the bottom of Plumbton Lane, contents include £2 in change, a pen, two lipsticks, a six foot ladder, boxing gloves, a Ford Mondeo and three dancing sheep. Contact 12712-121521-99

Would the person who caught the 12:05pm bus yesterday at the bus station please contact me. You were really ugly and I want to tell you in person.

Disused bag of chips and half a fish cake found left outside the chip shop, contact if you wish for them to be returned. If unclaimed in two days time they will be donated to charity.

Did anyone notice a horrible smell last night? I though it was the dog as he has some terrible farts but it wasn't. I wretched violently until nine'o'clock then I went to bed. If you can enlighten me contact 2666-526647-783

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

So That's How To Do It

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Arrhythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blamange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my grandad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my grandad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

Thats it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

 

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