Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)

Is it little? is it large?
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

Todays blog has been desperately bought to you by Crap Blog Entries Ltd purveyors of crap blogs since 1763

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FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fantastic First Issue

As you may know, not know or don't care I used to collect comics. Not in a hoarding way, more of a preservation way as I used to target the precious first ten issues of titles I found interesting. Of course this sometimes spiralled out of control and I ended up with many more but I tried. Here's a few from yesteryear including my treasured full set of Disneyland, the very first comic dedicated to everything Disney of which the first issue is shown above. This was a fantastic reference point for all the Disney characters as plenty of the comic strips were drawn in house rather than farmed out, a joy to re-read after all these years where the quality shines through even down to the expensive shiny paper it was printed on, all for 1d (7 1/2p)

Who could resist a copy of the first issue of Doctor Who in 1979 with a pout faced Tom Baker on the front? The stories were a little naff but the gist of it was there including behind the scenes and pull out panoramas to keep us entertained.

The mighty 2000AD really blew me away when it was launched with its powerful and superbly illustrated stories. The editor Tharg was a bit of a dick but it included some terrific characters including Judge Dredd (issue 2) and Strontium Dog, it went on to become my most collected comic with the first two hundred safely tucked away.

Star Wars had to be in there didn't it? Although by this time even the comics were touting the fact that it was the Valuable First Issue which normally meant they had printed loads more in anticipation of a kiddy rush to the newsagents. I played with the free gift which makes it less valuable money wise but priceless to me as a memory of X-Fighter combats with friends.

Last but not least I also collected the first run of Marvel comics, a mish mash of stories printed on dubious paper for the UK market. It was the first chance to really see the superheroes in action unless of course you had a news agent in the early seventies who imported such stuff. This one is from 1973, a whopping 41 years old making my childhood seem so far, far away even though the memory of handing over a shilling (5p) still seems like yesterday.

I could go on with the list - Krazy, Whizzer & Chips, Whoopiee, Topper, Shiver & Shake, Monster Fun and many, many more reside in my collection, all cherished allowing me to hang on a little bit longer to my childhood.

Silly old artist.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals