Balls Of Snow

Snow, you would never have guessed it would you but they have told us to expect a few inches this weekend but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don't you? It's bought on a bit of a nostalgic streak as I really don't enjoy snow but every time I'm reminded of an episode many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during a particularly snowy break time.

I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.

What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.

What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn't write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.

As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.

There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.

I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn't help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.

I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.

Actually I didn't, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Then it hit.

The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.

I'd like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scot free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.

Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.

This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location)

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Talking Ballcocks

Part seven of our gentle series of scientific discussions continues with 'Talking Ballcocks', this week Reginald and Harold discuss the wind giving properties of pickle based items.

The scene opens with a gentle river flowing through idyllic countryside, our two gentlemen drift aimlessly in a small wooden boat. We join them admist a conversation that had been going on for some time.

'...and with that it blew out the upper floor windows and singed her eyelashes!'

'Good god Reginald that would make a stuffed bird laugh, all that from a pickled onion you say?'

'Indeed, she started off nanty narking and before I knew it she'd popped one in, mad as hops I say. She never really recovered and her eyes never did uncross.'

'My, what a tale, and these are the pickled onions are they?'

'I'd handle them very carefully Harold, they are pickled in Dr Canes Ptang Yang Kipperbang Pickling Peculiar, a very potent brew heavy with sulphur. The label tells you to have one onion a day divided into four equal portions to be taken at rise, midday, afternoon tea and supper to keep you regular. It's very strict about the dosage and you can see why Mrs Dangle took it so badly, she did choose a particularly large one though. Pity, it still looks like she's ridden a horse.'

'What's in the other jar? It looks like a jar full of eyes.'

'Ahh, this Harold is what I wanted to show you. It's a delicacy eaten by the lower classes but I'll warn you now, the smell is odious to say the least. They call it pickled eggs, lord knows how they stomach such stuff, personally I find it offensive to my sauce-box. I bought it from a ruffian in a drinking establishment who had had this jar handed down to him as an heirloom, apparently it's quite common for the pickled eggs to go from generation to generation only being eaten on New Years Eve to help with the celebrations for they create the most fearsome erutications of intestinal gas on earth, the Barking Mumper or Pant Ripper as it's more commonly known. It causes great merriment amongst the common, it's also blamed for the explosions in coal mines so there is a ban on taking them down there in your lunch. Indeed they have special canaries trained to sniff them out.'

'And you want me to try one?'

'Yes, I can't bare the thought of it myself but in the interests of science one of us must try it. I know you are a fellow to try anything once after your last experience with that funnel and castor oil. By the way has the leaking stopped yet?'

'Only just as long as I clench.'

'Here, smell them now the lids off.'

'My god, that could drop a horse! I hope they taste better than they smell, it reminds me of the time I stood too close to that elephants behind and it took my hat off and parted my hair.'

'Here, I have pulled one out for you, pop it in like a good fellow and let's see what happens.'

'Nom, nom, doesn't taste, nom, too, nom, bad. Egg you say? It tastes a little rubbery but not bad at all.'

'Anything?'

'No'

'Anything now?'

'No, hang on, I can feel something'

'And?'

'Pooot!'

'Was that it? A poot? It's supposed to be an absolute Krakatoa of a chuff and all we get is a mouse trumpet! The cad has sold me a dud, I shall return and challenge him to the fisticuffs club.'

'Here, try another.'

'Nom, nom, nom. Mmm, these are quite nice. Here we go! Pooot!'

'Another bally poot! I knew he was a lushington, the drunken mumper.'

'Let me have the jar, I'll finish them off, nom, nom, nom. Hang on, what's this? There's a label on the bottom.'

'Hand it here, let me read it. Hmm, it's badly written but I think I can make it out. It says 'beware of second wind' what on earth could that mean?'

'Oh no. OH NO!'

'What is it Harold? Do you know what it means?'

'Know what it means! It means that the real action starts on the second Poot, I have done two eggs and two poots, I have a double whammy coming!'

'Quad whammy Harold, you have eaten two more!'

'Pooot! Pooot! Bugger!'

The resulting explosion could be heard ten miles away, Harold's legs were found in York and his hat in London. Reginald was left completely hairless with a permanent look of surprise and was found clutching a piece of fabric from Harold's jacket sat bolt upright in half a boat that had landed in Cambridge. Such was the power of the blast that pickled onions from the other jar were found embedded in tree trunks around the area. A smell of rotting cabbage hung in the air across the centre of the country for much of the week, sunsets had taken on a strange hue that drew many a comment and moves were taken by parliament to ban further egg based heirlooms, a practice that continues to this day.

Next episode Reginald finds a replacement for Harold, experiments with hallucinating drugs and meets a talking dog called Colin who writes poetry.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Arthur Mullards Used Donkey

CLASSIFIEDS

1987 Large Donkey

1040cc, one lady owner, good runner, full service history £4995 ono.

1998 Giraffe Convertible

Nice little family giraffe comes complete with fitted high seat, excellent full pattern bodywork £5995

1975 Vintage Gnu

Low mileage, twin horns, immaculate condition and reliable, easy to park. £3995

FOR SALE

Two large marrows, ideal for phallic vegetable arranging or just to impress girls. Optional melons available whilst stocks last. £10 the pair, will split for hairy coconuts.

Wolf proof house of straw construction. Sale due to relocation to a house of wood, contact Three Little Pigs on 0726-Blowmyhousedown. £25

Tombola ticket, face value 10p but willing to sell this potential winner for £1, prizes include tins of beans, odd socks and a packet of Polo's. You could be a winner! Ticket holder must be willing to travel to St Stephens Church Hall on the day of the jumble sale.

Tiger Feet single by the band Mud, selling due to contractual problems. Contact Showaddywaddy sometime during the 70's

Cat Aerials, cunningly designed aerials to deter unwanted birds from landing, includes cat cot should you decide to upgrade to a real cat with our hydraulic lifting mechanism to place your cat securely in the cot.

BUSINESS

Plumber, Ideal to service your old boiler, as seen in sordid cinemas. Guaranteed to always be on the job. Clothing optional, does not include BDSMUYAR or FCGHIZ scenes.

Electrician, Experienced sparky still smouldering from the last job but capable of fitting light bulbs and plugging things in. Unfortunately the shakes make taking on large jobs like actually fitting a plug problematic but willing to flick switches etc on demand.

JOBS

Shandy Drinkers required for top shandy specialist, applicants must be fully converse with shandy etiquette. Possibility of Snakebite overtime. No Guinness drinkers please, we are still trying to get the toilet clean from last time. Contact Shady Handy Shandy today.

Earn £££ at home, learn to grow animal appendages on your own body. You can really have a trunk in your trousers. Real udders a speciality for all you ladies. Tail2trunk.com.uk

PERSONALS

Male, 40's, groomed, well built gentleman with old fashioned respectable values looking for that special lady's with big knockers who goes like the clappers. BOX 82

Male, 89, Goes like the clappers but has creases. Intrigued? Preferred age 20, will consider 21 if blond.

Male, 34, Has own push bike and bike clips, looking for first girlfriend after being scared off in the 90's when I realised it wasn't a hedgehog.

Male, kinky muscular giant, loaded, looking for cross dressing bodybuilding professional wrestler to socialise with a group of like minded friends. Nothing weird. Ring and leotards supplied (cleaned between bouts)

Female, 50, professional drinker, NSFW, OMG, LOL, interests include pubs, clubs, off license etc.

Female, 39, Good looking if a bit bingo around the edges but has excellent back doors and windows.

MISC

Magic Purse found at the bottom of Plumbton Lane, contents include £2 in change, a pen, two lipsticks, a six foot ladder, boxing gloves, a Ford Mondeo and three dancing sheep. Contact 12712-121521-99

Would the person who caught the 12:05pm bus yesterday at the bus station please contact me. You were really ugly and I want to tell you in person.

Disused bag of chips and half a fish cake found left outside the chip shop, contact if you wish for them to be returned. If unclaimed in two days time they will be donated to charity.

Did anyone notice a horrible smell last night? I though it was the dog as he has some terrible farts but it wasn't. I wretched violently until nine'o'clock then I went to bed. If you can enlighten me contact 2666-526647-783

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

So That's How To Do It

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Arrhythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blamange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my grandad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my grandad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

Thats it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals