Balls Of Snow

Snow, you would never have guessed it would you but they have told us to expect a few inches this weekend but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don't you? It's bought on a bit of a nostalgic streak as I really don't enjoy snow but every time I'm reminded of an episode many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during a particularly snowy break time.

I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.

What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.

What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn't write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.

As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.

There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.

I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn't help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.

I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.

Actually I didn't, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Then it hit.

The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.

I'd like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scot free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.

Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.

Best Sex EVER!

Sorry about that, it should have read Best Six EVER!, stupid spellcheck.

The Best Six Facts About Snow EVER!

1. Snow is actually dandruff from the the planet Headnshoulders that floats around in the atmosphere for centuries until it gently drifts down every year in places due to the Gulf Stream. Scientists actually call snow drifts, druff drifts and recommend a large Afro comb rather than a paltry snow shovel to clear it efficiently. It also recommends pouring shampoo on problem areas rather than salt to avoid icy patches.

2. The biggest snowball weighed a whopping 2 tonnes and was thrown at an unknown passerby in Nantwich sometime in the late 70's. It hit so hard that only a pair of size nine shoes were left, these can be found preserved in the local museum along with the offending snowball that is still melting to this day and now weighs only 12lbs in old money.

3. If you took all the facebook status that mentioned snow when it snowed you would have a list as long as your arm of obvious quotes to say when it snows. Facebook has recorded 253,263,263 ways to say it's snowing, typical quotes include 'it's snowing' and 'it's snowing!', some of the oddest quotes recorded include 'OMG it's snowing!' and the inexplicable 'Just looked and it's snowing!'

4. Weather forecasters often warn us of snow using a traffic light system. Green means there is absolutely no chance of snow, which actually means there's six foot on the way but we don't know where it will land but the majority of people will think we have got it right. Amber is be prepared for snow which means be prepared but we are not quite sure what will happen but we like the pretty colour because it's better than green. Red means Snow! or translated yes, we have just looked out of the window and it's snowing, better update to that red status so it looks like we got it right to all those checking right now.

5. The Snowman is a cherished cartoon where a snowman comes alive to wreak havoc on one boys household even disgustingly trying used false teeth to gain the confidence of the pyjama dressed innocent who is then abducted. The whole sorry tale ends in the slaying of the Snowman. A more harrowing version has been made about dead dogs.

6. Sledges are great for riding through the snow. Don't confuse them with a sledgehammer as Simon Noballs did in 1996 when after a particularly speedy run riding his sledgehammer down Windybottom Hill he lost control and demolished an entire hospital loosing his precious baubles in the process as he crashed through the walls, earning his unique surname to remind him of untrained sledgehammer sledging.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

SNOW - Know The Facts

Snow is actually dandruff. High winds from the Gulf Stream blow through the hair of millions of people lifting the dandruff to new heights before depositing it around the world during winter. The worst case of 'druff' fall occurred in 1965 when England was bought to a standstill with druff drifts of over twenty two feet high, that's bigger than a double decker bus! Hair conditioner was applied to roads and lorries were fitted with combs to help clear the major routes.

The coldest place on earth is surprisingly in the Sahara desert, during night time the temperatures can plummet as much as 300 degrees. It has been known for explorers to be unprepared for these extremes and can be often found as ice statues the next morning even on the hottest days.

Did you know if you feed cows ice cubes they will automatically dispense ice cream from their udders? Make them eat strawberrys too and they will give you raspberry ripple! Amazing!

If you spell 'snow' backwards you get a word that means gullible.

Did you know we have over a hundred ways to describe snow? Bloody snow, f@&£ snow, sh@&!? snow and possibly 97 other variants many unprintable.

Snow when frozen is called snice, ice when frozen is called frice, if snice and frice happens at the same time you get egg frice snice which is number 22 at your local takeaway.

If you sit too long in the snow you will get snow balls.

Snow is the ultimate diet food, each ounce of snow contains no calories and no fat. Several slimming companies endorse the use of snow in your diet and some even thoughtfully include it in your frozen meals making them extra healthy. Be sin free and nibble on an icicle instead of that calorie laden carrot.

The Snowman is a popular cartoon and book based on a snowman that creepily comes alive, steals false teeth and abducts a boy in the dark of the night who after realising his crimes then disappears leaving behind only his clothes.

The Snowdog is another tale about dead dogs to lift the spirit.

Father Christmas on the other hand is about a grumpy fat bloke that likes dressing up.

If you took all the icecream in the world and made one large 99 out of it you would be crushed under the weight of the accompanying flake unless of course you live in 2014 where your flake will look like a small shrivelled dog turd and be no more than 2cm in length.

Strap ice lollies to the soles of your shoes for instant 'ice' skates in any weather.

Strap ice lollies to your knees and elbows to recreate tobogganing by getting on all fours at the top of a hill.

Cannon balls rolled in snow and fired from a cannon make pleasant seasonal artillery gifts for enemy soldiers.

Snow can be used instead of carbon footprint increasing polystyrene to protect expensive electronic gifts this Christmas when wrapping.

Keep everyone festive this December by replacing words with festive equivalents. 'Do I snow you?', 'Yule regret that!', 'What a load of baubles the weather is, I told you it would reindeer.', 'I'm into witchcraft, I worship Santa.'

Be careful when you shake snow globes as they work like snow callers and you are effectively inviting a localised snowstorm to your area.

Christmas is so popular that 34% of people think we should have it every year.

Yellow snow tastes like lemonade, brown snow is chocolate, you are only warned not to eat it because supermarkets want you to carry on buying their own brands.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Snow Balled

Snow, you would never have guessed it would you, they have told us to expect up to 40cm but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don't you? Anyhow as I'm sat watching the extremely large flakes whisk around in flurries I'm reminded of a time many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during break time.

I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.

What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.

What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn't write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.

As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.

There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.

I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn't help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.

I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.

Actually I didn't, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Then it hit.

The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.

I'd like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scott free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.

Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

That's Snowpossimal!

Spurred on by all your wonderful Snowpossimals this week I have been bitten by the Snowimpossimal bug big time, so today when I had seen it had snowed heavily I rushed outside to check the consistency. Yes, I know that's quite sad but really I wanted one last go at something really complex. Fortunately the snow was exactly what is required for snow sculpture, slightly firm and wet, not powdery at all. So out came the trowel, dibber and fingers and away I went.

I piled everything together and packed it all down by hand, then I etched in the outlines of the Impossimals so I could gauge the dimensions, just like painting really.

Once that was in place I started to hack away I to the snow, removing all the bits that didn't look Impossimal using a printout of the piece I was recreating. I had made all this before in plasticine for the painting so I pretty much knew what to expect.

Gradually it came to life, although the chair arm did collapse once but a bit more snow took care of that.

Nearly there, just add the donut, mug and mutt to complete.

Home Comforts, snow style, three foot high and around seven foot long, total time to make, one hour :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

FREE GIFT! Excuse'o'matic - Cut Out And Keep

It's Monday morning, it's snowed, maybe a bit maybe a lot, you need to phone work and come up with a reasonable excuse to stay at home and put your feet up but you are stuck. Everybody will be phoning in, how do you make your excuse stand out from the crowd?

You use our handy cut out and keep Excuse'o'matic! Cut out the circles, make a pointer or something and spin it for instant excuse results.

INSTRUCTIONS

Phone your boss and start the conversation by using one of the phrases below...

So, you should have said 'OMG! Snow!' Follow it with 'And...'. Another quick spin will give you another result.

'And the dogs exploded!'. Wait for your boss to absorb your unique excuse then break the news that you may be able to come in...

...Next week, or any of the other genuine excuses. Finally quickly exclaim that you have to rush off now because... (Spin again!)

'You need a poo'. If you have followed the instructions you should now have the following sentence with which to impress your boss.

'OMG! Snow! and my dogs exploded. I may be in next week. Must go now I need a poo.'

Impressive stuff, it will save you from embarrassment when other colleagues phone in with pathetic excuses of late trains and snow clearing.

Excuse'o'matic is just one of the fabulous items available from We Say You Say We All Say Ltd, why not try our Tourette Roulette, imagine your excitement when your ball lands on FLAPS rather than a red number ten. For families we have Insult Wheel, a spin later and you will all be swearing like a trooper. Just some of our incredible products.

Enjoy your day safe in the knowledge that your excuse is unique!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals