Something Special

Over the last eleven years we have only ever allowed Impossimal artwork to be used on a select few quality products, the last being over five years ago with the final set of cufflinks so after much deliberation and a lot of making sure we only find the correct products we decided in the lead up to Christmas to allow the Impossimals to grace a few more through the use of an innovative and select online store.

Impossimals do seem incredibly suited to certain items though. I myself fancied a new keyring and cufflinks and that is what started this new Impossimal creation, a need for something a little different and after a little bit of searching I found a place that would help us bring it all together.

Anyhow, I'm rambling.

Ahem, OK, here goes...

There is a new Impossimal online store; it has selected Impossimal creations that compliment the limited editions and celebrate the Impossimal collections over the years including the brand new Lost Alice release with a series of three Bone China Mugs created just for the tour.

It's not big, it's not here to replace anything, it's here to say thank you to everybody who has contacted us and all the emails we receive on a weekly basis asking for cufflinks, compacts, calendars and numerous other items for Impossimal collectors to cherish. We will be adding new Impossimal collectables on a regular basis and retiring others, each year we will have a single collectable Impossimal creation specifically just for that year. Other times we will have time limited editions to coincide with limited edition releases.

So a nice little compliment to the Impossimal world and if you have any ideas of future Impossimal pieces or designs you would like to see then just let us know.

The calendar is now on Amazon PRIME with guaranteed delivery times now they have finally got their act together after being overwhelmed by orders and breaking their system initially, you can find the link on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk or click HERE

As for the new online store, well that can be found  HERE

FINALLY...

2016 NEW LIMITED EDITIONS!

2016 is the Year Of The Impossimal where we and the galleries go IMPOSSIMAL crazy!

Oodles of new editions coming your way including...

The follow up to 'Go Big Or Go Home' - 'Wine Club'

A Fabulous 'You Are FAB'

The Wonderful Family of Four in 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This'

And for all you doughnut loving people 'Donut Worry, Be Happy!'

& MORE!

The galleries are getting ready, we are ready, are you ready?

And then at the end of 2016 when you think it's all over, is this...

It's going to be fab!

It's All Pies I Tell You!

Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.

What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?

Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumble weeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.

'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.

The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.

'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.

'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.

'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.

'If you don't bring me what they are cooking I'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.

Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.

'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.

'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.

'Your nose Sire, it's changed'

Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.

With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.

The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.

The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.

'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.

Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.

The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, that my dear blog reader is another story...

Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

Hoff Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

If like me you always have the perfect Christmas with perfect food, presents and me then you should give me a call, if not, all you other non-Hoffs can follow my handy guide to Christmas. Ho Ho Hoff and away we go!

Christmas dinner for the Hoff is a perfect plate on a perfect table in a perfect house in a perfect world, Hoff world, to save you from yourself here's a guide on what type of Christmas cook you are and how to avoid a un-Hoff Christmas disaster.

If your Christmas dinner looks like this then you are what I call a 'drowner'. Overcooked veg and limp slimy meat partially saved by a large Yorkshire pudding is then hidden under a Tsunami of gravy that has started to separate into fat around the edges. This is un-Hoffy, it should resemble my massively chiseled handsome features, stare at a picture of me until you understand the Hoff and try again or learn to cook Beef Stroganhoff.

If you serve this you are too Hoff to handle. Man, the beauty of waffles instead of potatoes and luncheon meat wrapped sausages and frozen mixed veg is Hoff the scale, well done, you can sit at my table any time. I might even show you my pocket Kitt.

Only the Hoff can serve de-constructed food because only the Hoff is awesome enough in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom, dang, I'm awesome everywhere don't hassle the Hoff with this bring me something Hoff the scale like a burger.

This is more like it, there is nothing more satisfying for the Hoff than settling down in my perfect body to chow down on a Pot Noodle and to finish off with a banhoffie pie. The ideal meal to share with your other Hoff on Christmas Day and whilst you dream about me as you eat your banhoffie pie you must listen to the Hoff and his special choice of music and gifts.

You can't get more Christmassy than this, listen to classics like All I Want For Christmas Is Hoff and The Hoffy And The Ivy sang by my friend Rico who helped me bring down the Berlin Wall, penned 'Freedom' with me and advised me to wear a jacket filled with Christmas lights many years ago.

Straight Hoff the peg is my special Christmas jumper to cover my superb muscular body, get ready to get Hoff on this girls, nobody fills a jumper like the Hoff.

Hoff the time spent in the kitchen this Christmas with my self propelled rolling pin, the perfect kitchen aid accompaniment whilst you drink a hot cup of Hoffee. 

The Hoff doesn't forget the little ones either, how about this attractive toy, it's only Hoff price at the moment an Hoffer you can't refuse.

As one final surprise I, the Hoff have allowed all my chest hair to be donated and turned into these attractive dog wigs. Sure enhoff they will be available shortly from my online store Hoffelujah.hoff, only one per customer. Wear the Hoff, feel the Hoff, worship the Hoff you know you want to, some like it Hoff.

Hoff yourself a very Merry Christmas, I'm logging Hoff but will return, you can't keep a good Hoff down.

Today's blog entry bought to you by the Hoff Outreach Foundation Family or HOFF for short. 

Close Encounters Of The Twerking Kind

Today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short to tell us about his latest extra-testicle phenomenon. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?

'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'

Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.

'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'

No Arthur.

'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'

Yes? tell us about it.

It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say 'We Come In Peace' but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'

'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'

Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.

Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahS, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?

'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'

No, what happened after that?

'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'

What?

'Aliens had taken over my television again.'

Really? How did you know?

They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'

Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!

Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.

Halloween Special

Not ONE but TWO spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are ALL FREE and open TO ALL!!!

Join us both with LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries, 1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course NAKED LINE DANCING absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or phone 01162 745333 for a good time!

Secondly we are at CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and see PETERS PUMPKINS and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals absolutely FREE!

To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.

SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location)

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.