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It's All Pies I Tell You!

Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.

What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?

Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumble weeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.

'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.

The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.

'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.

'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.

'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.

'If you don't bring me what they are cooking I'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.

Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.

'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.

'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.

'Your nose Sire, it's changed'

Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.

With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.

The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.

The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.

'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.

Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.

The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, that my dear blog reader is another story...

Back To The Future REVEALED!

R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse Back To The Future

2015, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.

'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.

Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.

Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.

Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.

We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.

The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours.

Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.

It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!

I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Knicker My Bocker With A Mahoosive Bid!

Don't forget that this week is your chance to OWN Knickerbockergloria, our Ice Cream eating Ice Dragon raising funds for BREAK! Sponsored by Don and Carole of Bluebird Care Norwich. Knickerbockergloria took a month to create with hundreds of ceramic snowflakes, a see through oil painted centre of favourite ice creams and numerous other additions making a unique Lost Impossimal that has received 1000's of visitors over the Summer.

Reasons To Own Knickerbockergloria

It's for a good cause.

It's raising money for a good cause.

Did I say it's for a good cause?

She is gorgeous.

Makes an ideal talking point and ice breaker at parties.

Will look great mounted on a car bonnet.

Can fly (occasionally and only on the sixty fifth Sunday of December if it's an ice moon)

She talks (to me anyway, I cannot guarantee that she will talk to you but she is rather charming none the less)

You will own the only full size Lost Impossimal in the UK.

You get a free gift.

You get a chance to feature in the magazine Mission Impossimal with Knickerbockergloria.

Not many people own a real dragon.

You can add Dragon Handler to your passport and travel first class everywhere, probably.

PLEASE SIGN ME UP FOR THIS INCREDIBLE DEAL, HOW DO I BID?

Glad you asked, simply click here

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

And bid away, the live auction is tomorrow so do something rash and bid big to win big, you've got to be in it to win it, you know you want to you naughty potential Knicerbockergloria owner!

P.S. You also receive the title Lord and Lady Knickerbocker of Gloriana making you rather posh.

To practice bidding here are a couple of blank areas to scribble down potential bids...

I would love to own Knickerbockergloria and make a bid of £_______

I'd be stupid not to bid, TAKE MY MONEY NOW, I bid £_______

Go big, go bid, Go Knickerbockergloria crazy!!!

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sleep Tight

I have recently started collecting old books from my childhood with a particular fondness for a set of books from the Purnell Sunshine Library and Deans International who published lots of Enid Blyton's books. Just in case you didn't know about Enid Blyton she used to write the most fanciful, whimsical children's books that catapulted children into far off lands on incredible journeys. She also included stories about gollywogs, chain smoking and general casual violence and verbal abuse in the nicest possible way.

I'm shocked.

I found the book above after searching for years, it was a favourite book of short stories, unbeknownst to me it also offered some of the darkest stories to issue from Enid's acid pen too. The opening story is quite cute, a girl who had hiccups but referred to them as 'hee-cups' much to the confusion of a couple of elf like brownies (why she called them brownies I don't know). A simple tale to lure you in to a false sense of bedtime security.

Peter's Penci Box is next, a cautious tale of a boy that lies his hat off everyday until his mother at the end of her wits asks him 'Are you a little coward as well as being mean?' And the teacher joins in with a jolly 'I think you are a very horrid little boy.' Way to go Enid, you stick that knife into the young lad and scar him for life.

Pointing out facts in a rude way was also common in the stories. In 'I'll Do Them Tomorrow' a pixie girl is described as plump, dirty and lazy until a local busybody decided to spy on her until she gets off her fat pixie arse to do a bit of cleaning. Further more in 'He Was Sorry For Himself' a selfish boy falls foul of another couple of menacing brownies this time called reddies that decide to, well, this is what she writes...

"Can we help him a bit - give him more things to feel sorry about? he'd enjoy that. Think how he would grumble and moan if we took his mother away, made him hurt his leg badly and had his bicycle stolen."

And they do! Leaving him in tears. Still, in The Cat With A Feathery Tail a silly moggie tries to fool a group of birds and gets the stuffing kicked out of himself by four cats then gets beaten around the garden by a child. The story ends with everyone singing "The cats getting smacked! Hurrah!"

In Pollys P's & Q's a mother exacts revenge on her daughter by pinning P's & Q's to her everytime she forgets to say please and Thankyou turning her into a human pincushion. In The Broken Gate five yoofs (modern term) ride a gate until breaking point (don't ask) then lie about it apart from one boy who is described as thick. Sulky Susan the target in the next story has a face like a smacked arse and boy, doesn't Enid go on about it. To teach her a lesson it goes all Scrooge style and she sees five other miserable sods which are actually her later in life, scared senseless she never frowns again!

Completely random she chucks in 'A Puzzle Story', wait for this, it's a good one. Basically a gnome searches the gutters and bins for discarded cigarettes, it then teaches children how to make a roll up from the stubs and then goes on to tell you how to make a packet of seven cigarettes from six! The only puzzle I could see is that a small child would have difficulty following Enid's roll up routines, but hey, let the kids smoke I say.

Simple Simon in his story is quite simple, even his mother accuses him of 'Not using your brains or you haven't even got any. I can't make up my mind which.', a lovely mother statement that must have enriched his life no end so he goes on to smash up a box of matches, sit on a pack of butter and generally mess everything up until the story abruptly ends with his mother final words echoing through his ears 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself!' Enid stop short of adding 'You idiot!' But I'm sure she thought them.

So yes, it was an enlightening book once I read it again forty years on and you know I still kind of liked it. Yes it's yesteryear and yes some of the subject matters and language is a bit odd but essentially it teaches respect for adults and adds a bit of fear to do the right thing as a child, not necessarily a bad thing. After all I turned out fine, I even managed to break my smoking habit by the age of seven although I still have a unnatural fear of everything brown.

I'm just about to start another book of Enids that I'm sure will be equally delightful, it's called 'Rolling Smoking Kids For Fun Down The Stairs Whilst Shouting Abuse At Them' it looks frightfully good and even has a crying child on the front.

Magical!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Note To Notice About A Notice To Note

A big thank you to Castle Galleries Bluewater and to all the collectors who came along on Saturday to join in the fun as Lost Alice was revealed to the public for the first time at the weekend. As you can see from the photo above the gallery recreated a lovely tea party with a wonderful edible table from 'A Place Of Uncommon Nonsense' complete with playing cards and goodies. The gallery too had plenty of Wonderland touches and the whole appearance went very quickly with many collectors both old and new arriving throughout the four hours.

So a great start which now begins in earnest as the entire collection rolls out across the UK this week. On this coming Saturday the 3rd of October we will be visiting Castle Galleries in Newcastle for a return after an absence of seven years. Come along and join us between 1-4pm, it's free and possibly drink laden making it the ideal venue to meet two ageing artists who tell weird stories and dress like disorganised tarts to make themselves interesting whilst banging on about Wonderland like it's all too real. Oh, there will be the entire collection, originals, maquettes, Jaynes fabulous new Wonderland work and even better, this...

Food will be served by our BBQ cat weather permitting (n.b. BBQ Cat is subject to change and maybe unavailable at the last minute due to the unstable condition of cats performing culinary tasks involving fire and edible meats, especially after last time when a ball of wool rolled by and our cat chef got completely distracted and burned down the beer tent)

So you don't forget, here's a note for your diary...

C#

...and here's a note for your dairy...

Three pints please and a small yoghurt called Colin.

...and here's a note for the dreary...

It rains, it always rains, I'm miserable.

...and a note for your dromedary...

Don't get the hump.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pumpin' Chuffin'

With Winter just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2015 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's True, That Assholes Written Another Blog Entry!

I have made many friends recently since I have moved, many of them I have accidentally bumped into during my short time but they all have one thing in common. I met them all on my staircase.

It may be an unusual place to meet friends but all makes more sense when you find out that my new friends include large spiders, huge moths, assorted wood lice and in one case a three inch long black slug that looked like a liquorice moustache. It all came to a head last night when I bent over to switch on a bedside light and heard a rustle up above, as soon as I turned my head a weird looking grasshopper launched itself from the ceiling ninja style to bounce off my forehead and send me in girlish screams around the top floor. Apparently they have been attracted by the Velux on the staircase and make the massive effort to shin up twenty five feet only to drop on me from a great height, obviously they must get some amusement out of this. "Hey guys! Guess what? I have found this hole, it's up there and it's awesome, a two second free fall into lovely soft hair if you time it right. It made me lol I can tell you and I got a ride around some weird house accompanied by a wailing until I was deposited back outside unharmed! Awesome!" Said the slug to the assorted motley crew of potential Velux jumping candidates.

Living in the country does have its moments. I have already met face to face a badger in the garden when I least expected it, he too didn't expect it and decided that I was indeed blocking his normal nightly stroll. Later that week I made a pheasant jump who in turn made me absolutely squeal when it came flapping out of the undergrowth making a noise like a bust bagpipe, I of course fell into a rose bush. One night a few midges decided to turn me into a human pincushion and gave me fifty two bites in one night, I know, I counted each itchy one.

Just in case you think it's just me Jayne has fared no better, last Friday she inadvertantly cut through the electric cable of the hedge trimmer only days after we installed an RCD circuit for just such event then an hour later stumbled backwards into a wasp hive and was stung relentlessly. Safely back inside Jayne tried to close a window and some random looking insect that looked like it was assembled from other broken insects used a large stinger to pierce her palm so as you see, a grasshopper bouncing off my bonce was just one in a long line of country things to discover.

Chopping logs, emptying poo pits and lighting fires have also played their part and even though everything is more hard work than just flicking the heating on or flushing the toilet it's also a lot more fun.

The blog used to be full of my tribulations regarding DIY stores and supermarkets full of random events and rude staff, not so now, they pretty much don't exist within a fifteen mile radius and instead we have DIY stores called P&Q which amazingly stocks more of everything you need than some of the largest DIY superstores and of course it's more friendly. We now shop local and by local I mean locally owned shops which makes a huge difference to the quality of produce we now get. But you know what is really great about moving? The really, really great thing that I never imagined would happen?

We have hares.

Spindly legged big eared hares at the bottom of our garden that delight in the early morning sun across the fields and that it something I could watch each and every day for the rest of my life.

Must dash, a twenty two legged spider-cricket has just appeared from under the bedclothes carrying my underpants with a wily look in its eye.

Oh my!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ten Things To Consider When Moving House

1) Don't move, ever. If you hear the words conveyancing or mortgage then set fire to your pants, poke yourself in the eye or remove hair using pliers, under no circumstances consider moving unless you wish to endure week upon week of relentless pain.

2) Should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of moving then you require a removals company. These range from a small white van man with a dog called Colin (Colin refuses to lift heavy objects) to multinational companies that expect you to pack everything in square boxes so all they do is left for a few grand. We however choose a delightful option, mid range lorries with a rugby team (optional shared shower at the end)

3) Prepare to change address, most companies will provide facilities to do this whilst others will charge you for the privilege of daring to ask to change it. Expect to be charged anywhere up to £37.62 as we were which is a bit steep when you do it yourself on the Internet and some trainee the other end puts a stamp on an envelope to confirm. Unless of course you are changing address from Mansfield and you need to let a Mansfield company know, in that case you have to hand write a letter and post it recorded, they will then stamp it, make a duplicate, countersign it and write you a reply. None of the 'pop in and we will sort it for you' malarkey, you do it our way or no way.

4) Change of landline number. Be prepared to smash you head against the wall for several weeks as you wrestle with phone companies on the availability of the single engineer to come along and flip a switch for you. Apparently it takes a month, even though the phone line is installed, live with a dialling tone and is used by telemarketing companies to phone us at 2am in the morning to sell us PPI claims.

5) Moving day can be stressful, even more so when the chain you are in all get random bits of information that fails to match. It's awfully confusing when one completes and the other fail to get the same message, very soon a joyous day turns into a shambles as you fight over the keys.

6) The weather. Choose a fine day, not the absolutely miserable mother of a day they we ended up with that gave us 24 hours of non stop drizzle and around two tonnes of mud to swish around the house.

7) When buying a house consider a few things we had to take into account, first we are on a flood plane, secondly we are within range of a military shelling area, thirdly we are within range of a gas terminal that we have to register with in case it suddenly blows and they just find our teeth and last but not least check if you are within five metres of one of the last remaining 200 year old Elm trees in England and check that the seven directional tilt on the house is in fact quirky and not critical.

8) When viewing houses avoid places that bottle brown water and ask you to sample it, it's recycled urine as we found out when the tea tasted funny (seriously, it was wee)

9) Again, don't be misled, a swimming pool advertised that the owners bathed naked in and drank champagne actually turned out to be a children's inflatable paddling pool upon inspection.

10) Don't move.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Make Mine A Large One

(Theme tune)

Is it little? is it large?
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

Todays blog has been desperately bought to you by Crap Blog Entries Ltd purveyors of crap blogs since 1763

Shreddies

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

It's Krazy!

After sorting out the studio ready for the move I thought I would share with you a few japes that I grew up with, one in particular was a comic called Krazy. It often carried fake adverts and general randomness but I really enjoyed the imagination that went into the back cover so over the course of the year it was transformed into numerous things so you could disguise the fact the you were reading or indeed carrying your comic. I don't have half of the editions but here's a few I dug out for you.

Simply roll up your comic and it becomes a handy stock of rock. Quite what I would use it for is beyond me at the moment but this additional bit of thought appealed to me in my younger years.

More useful was this, a mock up of a school exercise book which as you can see I have conveniently filled in ready to fool teacher. Simply flick your comic over and it becomes just another book on your desk. Obviously it all falls apart when you open it to reveal cartoon strips but hey, I believed it could work. 

This was maybe my favourite, a mirth making book shelf, something I replicated in my painting of the Sherlock Sidewinder in 2012. Strange how things stay in your mind for so long.

Want to read at the dinner table instead of gobbling all those stuff greens? No problem, transform your comic into a place mat and voilà, camouflaged comic ready for a perusal between courses. So in the spirit of the Krazy comic I decided to bring it up to date and give you your own office jape using the latest technology. 

It's incredibly complex to do so bare with me, you will need a printer, a photocopier and of course, victims.

Save the above image and print it out ten times onto normal photocopy paper. Go to your office photocopier and load in the now printed paper underneath the first few blank pages. Make sure its in the correct way so anything that is photocopied goes over this image. Wait. Watch. Then promptly you will probably be sacked but that's all part of the fun.

Imagine an important meeting, a table full of serious faces all ready to go through the latest report which is facing them on the table. They all pick it up and start flicking though it, then one of them notices the word FUTTOCK! written across the report of the person opposite and starts sniggering. They in turn look over and see the word FUTTOCK! too and joins in. Pretty soon the whole office is laughing at such a clever jape and they start an internal inquiry to find the culprit and thank them for making their day. Probably.

So its Thursday, one day away from the best day of the working week so start your day with a FUTTOCK! and brighten up meetings, important documents and kick start your promotion today!

Today's blog has been bought to you by the FUTTOCK! Appreciation Society of Great Britain, putting Futtocks First since 1972. The F.A.S. is part of the CREVICE and CRACK Society and in no way is associated with the MANHOLE and BLOWHOLE Club.