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Merry Christmas, S*itter Was Full

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.

2. Roll out paper so it's flat.

3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.

4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.

5. Curse.

6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.

7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1

8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.

9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.

10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.

11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.

12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.

13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present

14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.

15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.

16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.

17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.

18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.

19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.

20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.

21. Stick first edge down carefully.

22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.

23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.

24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.

25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.

26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.

27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.

28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27

29. Get present.

30. Buy a bag bigger than present.

31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.

32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.

33. Sleep in chair.

34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.

33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.

34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.

35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.

36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.

37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.

38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.

39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.

40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.

41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.

42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.

43. January 5th join Gym.

44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.

45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.

46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.

47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.

48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.

49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.

50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.

51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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| TV Pluschoiceradiotimes 10p OFF |

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Something Special

Over the last eleven years we have only ever allowed Impossimal artwork to be used on a select few quality products, the last being over five years ago with the final set of cufflinks so after much deliberation and a lot of making sure we only find the correct products we decided in the lead up to Christmas to allow the Impossimals to grace a few more through the use of an innovative and select online store.

Impossimals do seem incredibly suited to certain items though. I myself fancied a new keyring and cufflinks and that is what started this new Impossimal creation, a need for something a little different and after a little bit of searching I found a place that would help us bring it all together.

Anyhow, I'm rambling.

Ahem, OK, here goes...

There is a new Impossimal online store; it has selected Impossimal creations that compliment the limited editions and celebrate the Impossimal collections over the years including the brand new Lost Alice release with a series of three Bone China Mugs created just for the tour.

It's not big, it's not here to replace anything, it's here to say thank you to everybody who has contacted us and all the emails we receive on a weekly basis asking for cufflinks, compacts, calendars and numerous other items for Impossimal collectors to cherish. We will be adding new Impossimal collectables on a regular basis and retiring others, each year we will have a single collectable Impossimal creation specifically just for that year. Other times we will have time limited editions to coincide with limited edition releases.

So a nice little compliment to the Impossimal world and if you have any ideas of future Impossimal pieces or designs you would like to see then just let us know.

The calendar is now on Amazon PRIME with guaranteed delivery times now they have finally got their act together after being overwhelmed by orders and breaking their system initially, you can find the link on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk or click HERE

As for the new online store, well that can be found  HERE

FINALLY...

2016 NEW LIMITED EDITIONS!

2016 is the Year Of The Impossimal where we and the galleries go IMPOSSIMAL crazy!

Oodles of new editions coming your way including...

The follow up to 'Go Big Or Go Home' - 'Wine Club'

A Fabulous 'You Are FAB'

The Wonderful Family of Four in 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This'

And for all you doughnut loving people 'Donut Worry, Be Happy!'

& MORE!

The galleries are getting ready, we are ready, are you ready?

And then at the end of 2016 when you think it's all over, is this...

It's going to be fab!

Close Encounters Of The Twerking Kind

Today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short to tell us about his latest extra-testicle phenomenon. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?

'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'

Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.

'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'

No Arthur.

'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'

Yes? tell us about it.

It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say 'We Come In Peace' but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'

'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'

Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.

Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahS, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?

'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'

No, what happened after that?

'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'

What?

'Aliens had taken over my television again.'

Really? How did you know?

They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'

Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!

Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.

Xmas Crimble Yuletide Advert Time For Sentimentality

Crimbo Cats Festive Survey

Chrismastide, Noel, nativity, call it what you will Christmas is here to stay along with all the latest nostalgic tear jerking adverts so we asked members of the celebrity obsessed public to tell us what their best Christmas spelling is and these are the results.

"I fink it means to me everyfing is shiny and like that's why I call it Crimble time. It's the stuff of jeezus and Maori wid da likkle donkey in da shed, innit? I mean if day r gunna ave it evry year why don't they tell us? This fanta bloke is ace but I don't know wat a chimney is. Is it like a long chin?" said a typical yoof yesterday.

"My dear I think you will find its actually Yuletide, Christmas is so common and don't even get me started with Xmas. Xmas is so, so, Peter Smith, he's as common as they come you know. Yuletide felicitations to you all!"

A.N.Arsehole, Notts

"I like Xmas, it's like a quick way to write and is a real boon when writing Christmas cards. Of course it sounds as if you couldn't be bothered and yes it may come across as lazy but hey, it's Xmas, were all in misery so get over it." 

Mr Crimble Claus, N.Pole

"Personally I prefer the season of Noel when we celebrate all things about that plumb bearded chap Noel Edmunds. I remember his Noel Edmunds House Party, the one with Mr Blobby, oh, he was such a great character. A great big pink thing with spots, or was that something I went to the doctors with? I dunno, anyway Noel is great and my first choice at this time of year."

N.Edmunds, Crinkly Bottom.

"I was always taught that it was pronounced Chrissymissymussytime to go along with the seasons, after all what else would go with Winterfrinterchillywilly and Bonfireywiry Night?"

That bloke off the television that makes rude phonecalls and gets let off to make millions of pounds more.

"Wibble poot, floooomffhh, pop, pop, booomph."

Po.

"Mr name is Noddy Holder and I like to call this time of year 'ker-ching!!' after the sound my royalty cheque makes at the bank after 'Merry Christmas Everybody' has been played 1,253,273 times."

Mr N.Holder 1976

"My name is Mariah and this Christmas I fancy something different to you."

Mariah Couldn't Carey, Hull

"My name is George Michael and I want my heart back even though you tore it apart."

George "It's not the only thing you tore" Michael

"Quite frankly I wish it could be Christmas every day" said Roy Wood.

"Really I hate Christmas, my name is Mary Berry and I often get confused with Merry. That sponge dear is over baked, what do you think Paul?"

"I think it's an ok bake Mary, not one of their best. Did you prove the dough correctly before putting it in the oven Cliff?"

"Hey Mary, you're a Livin' Doll want to go on a Summer Holiday and get away from all this Mistletoe and Wine?"

We had to cut our survey short as we started to be surrounded by ex-Christmas song celebrities and it was blocking the doorway to Greggs, more results tomorrow when we ask Showadywady and The Bay City Rollers what they really think of striped curtains in a bedroom.

Halloween Special

Not ONE but TWO spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are ALL FREE and open TO ALL!!!

Join us both with LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries, 1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course NAKED LINE DANCING absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or phone 01162 745333 for a good time!

Secondly we are at CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and see PETERS PUMPKINS and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals absolutely FREE!

To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.

SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

Teddypocalypse Is Upon Us!

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 15th of October 2015.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed. 

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office)