Thursday, December 03, 2015

Merry Christmas, S*itter Was Full

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.

2. Roll out paper so it's flat.

3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.

4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.

5. Curse.

6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.

7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1

8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.

9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.

10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.

11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.

12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.

13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present

14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.

15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.

16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.

17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.

18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.

19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.

20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.

21. Stick first edge down carefully.

22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.

23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.

24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.

25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.

26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.

27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.

28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27

29. Get present.

30. Buy a bag bigger than present.

31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.

32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.

33. Sleep in chair.

34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.

33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.

34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.

35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.

36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.

37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.

38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.

39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.

40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.

41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.

42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.

43. January 5th join Gym.

44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.

45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.

46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.

47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.

48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.

49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.

50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.

51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

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