Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

---------------------------------------------------

| TV Pluschoiceradiotimes 10p OFF |

---------------------------------------------------

FREE GIFT! Knob Twiddler Weakly

In celebration of Peter and Jayne appearing at Castle Galleries Norwich tomorrow between 1-4pm all welcome here's our Friday Free Gift to you, the knob twiddling public!

Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Ken Dodds Mattress

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabetes. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeer. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Ant and Deck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Ant and Deck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scarf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped in front of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end. Watch out for the exciting follow up tale including a dead dog.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathedral when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Riveting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered. 

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

Let's Go Birding

Have trouble identifying our common garden birds? Then guess no more with our cut out and keep handy guide to birds 'Birding' the companion guide to a similar sounding publication for dogs.

The Wheelsparrow

Immediately recognisable with its eight spoke all terrain twin wheels it can be often found trundling around the garden helping other birds move pots and large amounts of soil. It's wings can be extended to provide temporary handles and / or garden tool holders.

The Robbin

Thieving little birds that will peck a circular entry point through any window and bypass security systems with their miniature size to steal and thieve any shiny objects. A team of Robbins were used to drill the five foot tunnel used in the bank holiday robbery at Hatton Gardens a few weeks ago. Witnesses describe birds still flying around at the scene many days after, pigeons were used as lookouts. Probably.

The Cookoo

If you smell a barbecue or the whiff of bacon then it probably means you have a Cookoo in the garden. They like nothing more than a quick fry up when they land. Unfortunately Cookoo's are notoriously bossy and unpredictable and treat every garden as their personal kitchen often tweet swearing and throwing around garden ornaments. Listen out for their distinctive call of 'getoutofmykitchenyoucantcookandyouarenotainsleyharriotyoumasterchefwannabe'

The Bearded Tit

Unfortunately these are becoming more common on our streets, often opinionated and self centred they will make sure any birds in the area know exactly who they are. Secretly they are very insecure but will quite happily bore any passing bird to death by reciting the full history of a favoured subject such as the history of all the meals served in the Star Trek films often spoken in Elvish. If you see one flying it's not actually flying, it's using Jedi levitation.

Great Tit

With a penchant to destroy washing lines and television aerials this oversized bird has all the hallmarks of the Bearded Tit but hides it all behind a jolly outward appearance and the ability to bounce upon landing. Often dresses in disguises to blend in or assumes being obnoxious will win friends. Other birds stay well away and learn to keep wings and legs away from a Great Tit when they are eating as they consume anything not nailed down. See Posh Pigeon for more details.

The Kingfisher

Perennial bore that likes to spend large amounts of time dipping a piece of string in the water to tempt passing fish only then to attack them with a large wooden truncheon. Often they will be found sat at the edge of a garden pond discussing the virtues of a large fumble wool fly as opposed to a neon coated triple solar bob flytrap with other Kingfishers. Smells of fish.

Duckface

If you see a quick flash of light coming from your garden then I'm afraid you have a Duckface one of the most socially unaware birds to visit our gardens today. Constantly needs approval from other birds and will pester them for approval, often spouting random tweets for attention. The strange appearance of this bird has led to an explosion of 'Duckface' copycats on the Internet, most of them more hideous than the real plumped lipped bird we know and love today. See also Selfridge the Self Aware Partridge.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Arthur Sixpence

Let's talk about old money not this fictional Bitcoin or digital money but proper solid money. Old money was real, you could feel it in your pocket as it jangled away, your pocket money felt like something when you was given it, old money was so cool but do you know your bits from your bobs I wonder?

Penny

Small, grubby and a little cheap, Penny lived at no.4 and was well known for her antics every weekend when she would down a full bottle of White Lightening and play the Oboe until the early hours. She eventually decided to clean up her act and went back to collage earning the nick name Penny Wise.

Ten Pence

The cheap brother of Louie Spence, he can't dance or show off but is useful around vending and car park machines.

Thruppenny Bits

Common term for a ladies fun bags or a good session in the little boys room as in 'Good god that was a thruppenny bit and a half, I'd give it twenty minutes if I were you.'

Crown

Fancy headgear for a monarch or small coin that was made of brass and shaped especially for mathematicians with its twelve sides so it couldn't roll away if dropped. The first ever vending machine that sold lumps of coal opened in 1897 outside Scrooges Emporium, London. Customers deposited a crown in the machine and a three year old boy was sent down a chimney on your behalf to steal coal from unsuspecting victims.

Half Pence

Made from one pence pieces cut in half the half pence was especially created to buy halves of things. In 1973 decimalisation transformed the humble half pence to be worth ten times it's value. You could buy dinner for two including prawn cocktail, ten pints of bitter, a small sherry for the missus and still have change to go to the cinema and have a Kiora each. Unfortunately by 2014 the humble half pence is now almost forgotten even though it can still buy you nothing today.

Bob

Penny's friend, an odd job man that occasionally helps with the plumbing and brings the white lightening every weekend.

Ten Bob

Bob's White Lightening order for the weekend. 'How many this weekend Penny?', 'Ten, Bob and don't forget your plunger.'

Shilling

A specially created coin to celebrate a sitcom in the seventies called Shillingbury Tales and spin off series Cuffy that starred Bernard Cribbins as a tramp. Cockney rhyming slang for Shilling.

Guinea

A small island just off Cornwall with expensive houses owned by London commuters. Rumour has it that so much money is made by bankers that this special island contains houses built from gold ingots. Residents also get a special off shore tax rate of 0.0000000000001% enabling them to generously lobby the government to charge you 20% of your earnings, 20% VAT, road tax, poll tax, bedroom tax and any other tax they can think up along he way to make up the shortfall. In 2013 the residents of Guinea clubbed together to buy a mile long wood saw so they could cut the UK in half somewhere around Milton Keynes in the hope that the grim North and Scotland would just float away.

Groat

An old grumpy goat.

Pound

Comes from Pound Land where pounds can be often found grouped together in 5's and 10's

Dime

Populate chocolate covered snack created by wooden puzzle experts IKEA

Lint

The contents of my pockets right now.

Skint

The skin that is touched through the hole in my trouser pocket that feels strangely rubbery.

------><------------------CUT HERE TO KEEP-------------------------

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals