Let's talk about old money not this fictional Bitcoin or digital money but proper solid money. Old money was real, you could feel it in your pocket as it jangled away, your pocket money felt like something when you was given it, old money was so cool but do you know your bits from your bobs I wonder?
Penny
Small, grubby and a little cheap, Penny lived at no.4 and was well known for her antics every weekend when she would down a full bottle of White Lightening and play the Oboe until the early hours. She eventually decided to clean up her act and went back to collage earning the nick name Penny Wise.
Ten Pence
The cheap brother of Louie Spence, he can't dance or show off but is useful around vending and car park machines.
Thruppenny Bits
Common term for a ladies fun bags or a good session in the little boys room as in 'Good god that was a thruppenny bit and a half, I'd give it twenty minutes if I were you.'
Crown
Fancy headgear for a monarch or small coin that was made of brass and shaped especially for mathematicians with its twelve sides so it couldn't roll away if dropped. The first ever vending machine that sold lumps of coal opened in 1897 outside Scrooges Emporium, London. Customers deposited a crown in the machine and a three year old boy was sent down a chimney on your behalf to steal coal from unsuspecting victims.
Half Pence
Made from one pence pieces cut in half the half pence was especially created to buy halves of things. In 1973 decimalisation transformed the humble half pence to be worth ten times it's value. You could buy dinner for two including prawn cocktail, ten pints of bitter, a small sherry for the missus and still have change to go to the cinema and have a Kiora each. Unfortunately by 2014 the humble half pence is now almost forgotten even though it can still buy you nothing today.
Bob
Penny's friend, an odd job man that occasionally helps with the plumbing and brings the white lightening every weekend.
Ten Bob
Bob's White Lightening order for the weekend. 'How many this weekend Penny?', 'Ten, Bob and don't forget your plunger.'
Shilling
A specially created coin to celebrate a sitcom in the seventies called Shillingbury Tales and spin off series Cuffy that starred Bernard Cribbins as a tramp. Cockney rhyming slang for Shilling.
Guinea
A small island just off Cornwall with expensive houses owned by London commuters. Rumour has it that so much money is made by bankers that this special island contains houses built from gold ingots. Residents also get a special off shore tax rate of 0.0000000000001% enabling them to generously lobby the government to charge you 20% of your earnings, 20% VAT, road tax, poll tax, bedroom tax and any other tax they can think up along he way to make up the shortfall. In 2013 the residents of Guinea clubbed together to buy a mile long wood saw so they could cut the UK in half somewhere around Milton Keynes in the hope that the grim North and Scotland would just float away.
Groat
An old grumpy goat.
Pound
Comes from Pound Land where pounds can be often found grouped together in 5's and 10's
Dime
Populate chocolate covered snack created by wooden puzzle experts IKEA
Lint
The contents of my pockets right now.
Skint
The skin that is touched through the hole in my trouser pocket that feels strangely rubbery.
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