Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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FREE GIFT! Knob Twiddler Weakly

In celebration of Peter and Jayne appearing at Castle Galleries Norwich tomorrow between 1-4pm all welcome here's our Friday Free Gift to you, the knob twiddling public!

Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Ken Dodds Mattress

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabetes. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeer. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Ant and Deck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Ant and Deck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scarf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped in front of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end. Watch out for the exciting follow up tale including a dead dog.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathedral when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Riveting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered. 

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

A Tint Of Rose

One big festive event when I was young was the release of the Christmas Radio Times, this along with the new Trafford catalogue heralded the excitement of Christmas in the 70's. Christmas started when it should, in December and not the first week in September which kinda waters down the thrill nowadays. I cannot describe the feelings Christmas used to stir during this time; you need to remember that there was no quick fix for entertainment, the shops were shut on Sundays, pubs had proper open and closing times and television although there was only three channels television was an absolute must for entertainment so the arrival of the Christmas Radio Times used to fill me with giddy excitement.

Flicking through its pages I used to, like many of my friends, circle all the programs I wanted to watch. There was no catchup TV or on demand services and owning your own video recorder was still some distance away so you had one chance to catch all your favourites or the big films that used to be broadcast on the day.

Now the sad part, this side never left me and I have kept every Christmas edition of the TV listings magazine since, that is until the late 90's when the television schedule was so poor around Christmas I abandoned my collection. So what I have is a small sample of television Christmas gold to occasionally flick through and looking back the programming was really quite good.

You always worry you look back with rose tinted spectacles but after flicking through the 1975 edition and specifically Christmas Day it was all rather good...

9.00: Ragtime

with MAGGIE HENDERSON and FRED HARRIS

Some nice sing-a-long tunes to start of Christmas morning, no cartoons blasting out, TV didn't start until 9am.

9.15: Hark the Herald Angels Sing

The Christmas story told in carols - mostly very familiar but a few new ones - readings and pictures, all by pupils of schools in Leicestershire.

You were too busy messing around with your presents around this time but the carols singing out in the background was a nice memory and quite comforting too whilst you created mahem with your Evil Knievel stunt bike and Chopper.

10.00: The Happy Prince

A cartoon: Oscar Wilde 's classic bittersweet story of a swallow winging its way south which stays to rest upon the sorrowing statue of a once happy Prince and stays behind to help.

Can you imagine any cartoon today being based on Oscar Wilde's work and being broadcast at prime time to patient children? 

10.24: Weather: BARBARA EDWARDS

The BBC prided itself on punctuation hence the 10.24 slot.

10.30: Christmas Morning Service

From St George 's Chapel, Windsor Castle 1475-1975 in the presence of HM The Queen, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh and other members of The Royal Family followed by the National Anthem.

A bit of royalty to sombre the mood because what comes next caused extreme excitement.

11.45: Rod Hull and Emu

Sing a Christmas Song with help from BILLY DAINTY

Nice, exciting, silly, just what Christmas entertainment should be. Who remembers Billy Dainty? A music hall embracing performer that is long forgotten but provided a staple of Christmas entertainment.

12.20: Laurel and Hardy

Pack Up Your Troubles

Christmas wouldn't be the same without a bit of Laurel and Hardy, they often used to play these most mornings over the Christmas break along with Harold Lloyd so my knowledge of appreciating great comedy grew at an early age.

13.20: Holiday on Ice

Your annual rink-side seat at one of the world's most spectacular touring ice extravaganzas.

Extravaganzas was what Christmas was about, whilst you are waiting for Christmas dinner surrounded by relatives what better way than to watch pure uncontroversial entertainment, quite often as in this case it was a big stage or touring show that they broadcast, something you would have only got chance to see otherwise live.

14.10: Top of the Pops

A special Christmas edition featuring No 1 records of the year.

Introduced by Tony Blackburn and Noel Edmonds including Mud, The Tymes, Pilot, Telly Savalas, Bay City Rollers, Tammy Wynette , Windsor Davies and Don Estelle , 10cc, Stylistlcs. Art Garfunkel, David Essex. with PAN'S PEOPLE

This was what everyone was waiting for, never underestimate the power of Top Of The Pops Christmas special in the 70's, this along with several comedy shows was Christmas in a nutshell. Quite often this was on during Christmas day dinner.

15.00: The Queen

The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth

And everybody stood at the end to the national anthem.

15.05: Billy Smart's Christmas Circus

From the Big Top, a special international gala presentation of the world-famous circus.

This was special even though it would be frowned upon with today's values, but then again people in the 70's would frown upon today's Internet led values so where are we going with this? It was family entertainment that fitted the time it was broadcast.

16.05: The Wizard of Oz

a feature film starring Judy Garland with Frank Morgan , Ray Bolger Bert Lahr , Jack Haley

The unforgettable Judy sings ' Somewhere over the Rainbow '; we follow the yellow brick road on our journey to see the Wizard and on the way meet The Scarecrow, The Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion - all elements in one of the most magical movies of them all, being screened today on British TV for the first time.

Can you believe we had to wait until 1975 to see this film for the very first time out of the cinema? That's what made Christmas films all the more exciting to watch. If you missed it you really did miss it and you couldn't rewind it either!

17.45: National News

Kenneth Kendall ; Weatherman

Nice Mr Kenneth.

17.50: Bruce Forsyth and The Generation Game

Starring Bruce Forsyth with Anthea Redfern

A bumper Christmas edition with family couples from all over the country joining Bruce and Anthea and surprise guests for an hour of festive fun for all the family.

Brucie was going strong in the 70's, with a general public that wasn't used to appearing on television it had a charming naivety about it all, plus the conveyor belt of gifts were all rather tame. Oooh Cuddly Toy!

18.55: Some Mothers Do'Ave'Em

Slapstick comedy from Frank Spencer, his typical antics and stunts around Christmas time were always a must watch but then came the gods of BBC television with the most anticipated show of all.

19.40: The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show

A star-studded loliday special starring Eric morecambe and Ernie Wise

Over twenty seven million viewers watched the final Christmas show in 1977 such was the power of this well written and performed hour of entertainment, it was a pure Christmas staple. Watching it today brings back memories but it will never bring back the pure magic of the first time you watched it at Christmas.

20.45: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

The world television premiere of the famous feature film starring Paul Newman , Robert Redford Katharine Ross with Strother Martin , Jeff Corey Henry Jones

You never met a pair like Butch and the Kid! The two most affable amiable outlaws in Western history are the subject of the most exuberant, exciting and engaging of all western movies - the story of Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Longbaugh , otherwise known as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Big films got big billings, again a first time on television film in an age where most films had to survive seven years at the cinema before being allowed on our miniature televisions.

22.30: The Good Old Days

A Christmas edition of Old-Time Music-Hall from the stage of the Famous City Varieties Theatre, Leeds (by arrangement with Stanley and Michael Joseph )

For your delectation and delight, your Chairman, Leonard Sachs , introduces Vera Lynn

Sheila Steafel

A lot of viewers spanned a generation without television so programs like this catered for both worlds, television entertainment but music hall acts. Very well done and entertaining too.

23.30: Parkinson meets Bob Hope

Born in South-East London in 1903, Bob Hope moved to the United States four years later and grew up to become one of the legends of show business. Tonight he flies home to celebrate Christmas as Michael Parkinson 's special guest.

The King of chat shows normally had a big guest on at Christmas, Bob Hope was one of the biggest Hollywood could provide and completes a stunning line up for Christmas day, and this was just one channel!

The great thing was that hardly anything was a repeat, with only a few channels to fill it relied on quality rather than quantity and the 70's gave us some of the most cherished and well written television programs around and this made Christmas even more special. It was also quite calm television, shouting didn't really start until the eighties and has increased since.

ITV used to join in with a very similar paced day interspersed with films, special Christmas editions although by the time we had got to Morcambe and Wise time they had pretty much given up and resorted to the unfunny 'Get Some In' and 'Love Thy Neighbour', they did have Bay City Rollers though if you were Circused out on the Beeb.

9:00am Rainbow
9:15am A Heavenly Place
10:00am Service, from Luss Parish Church, Loch Lomond
11:00am A Merry Morning
11:45am Harold Lloyd's World of Comedy (b-w)
1:15pm Jack Parnell and the Big Band Show
2:00pm Chipperfields Christmas Circus
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Doctor in Trouble (film) starring Leslie Phillips, Harry Secombe, Robert Morley, James Robertson Justice 
4:45pm Captain Noah and His Floating Zoo
5:10pm News
5:20pm Bay City Rollers Show, with Gilbert O'Sullivan
6:20pm Christmas Celebrity Squares
7:00pm Crossroads
7:30pm Get Some In
8:00pm Love Thy Neighbour
8:30pm The Taming of the Shrew (film) starring Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton
10:00pm News
10:15pm The Taming of the Shrew (film continued)
11:00pm Beneath the Christmas Tree
11:55pm The Gabriel Assignment

BBC2 However loved to keep it all a little more serious.

11:00-11:25am Play School
1:25pm Yes to Man by Alan Ecclestone
1:30pm Christmas Day Play Away
2:05pm Prince Charles, Pilot Royal
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Swan Lake, ballet, with Margot Fonteyn, Rudolf Nureyev
4:45pm In Deepest Britain
5:35pm Nice One, a Cockney wedding
5:50pm The Yearling (film) starring Gregory Peck, Jane Wyman 
7:55pm Great Big Groovy Horse, rock-musical romp
8:45pm The Evacuees by Jack Rosenthall. International Emmy Award Winner 1975
10:00pm News
10:05pm Poems and Pints
10:30pm Presents Past. Victorian and Edwardian Toys
11:00-1:25am Guys and Dolls (film) starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank Sinatra, Vivian Blaine

The Christmas edition listing magazines will be out soon and I have just found a red marker in my drawer, I wonder...

God, did I really type all this out? I'm so sad! 

Television - It's The Future!

In the next few years we are expected to see a revolution in entertainment with the emergence of television! For those of you that don't know what television is it's a small version of the cinematography you are used to at the local picture houses that promises to beam small playlets and sporting events direct into your home without the need for a troupe of small actors living with you. These will be viewed on a small box and it's this brown box with a glass front that is called a television.

Scientists such as the one above have been working on this technology since 1878, twisting dials and playing with their knobs to bring you the future. We have already witnessed the latest communication technology such as the telegraph and semaphore that has changed our lives forever, will television do the same?

Preparations are already underway to bring you stunning entertainment such as Albert Crimblecock and his scissor skeletons star of the soon to be popular Vera Lynn's The British Empires Got Talent, a program that showcases talentless public and pointless pleading in front of a panel of judges including Norman Wisdom and Winston Churchill.

Every Thursday night will be Top Of The Popular Tunes From The Roxy presented by top radio presenter Lord Reginald Tombly host of BBC Radio's hit show 'Oh missus, where's my washboard?' and the equally popular 'War Stories For The Under Fives'. Young middle aged fifty year olds will be filmed fox trotting to guest bands comducted by Glen Miller playing such current music as 'Feuge Concerto Number 6 in D Minor' and the fox trotting explosion that is 'Whale Meat Again' by the Icelandic sensation Vera Lynn.

Whale meat again,

Don't know why ,don't care when,

But I know it's whale meat again, every bloody day.

Keep smiling through,

Just like you always do,

Till the whale pies drive me far, far away.

So will you please say bloody hell,

To the folks that I know,

Tell them I won't eat the tongue, (it's far too long)

They'll be happy to know that as you saw me go

I was gagging on a bone.

WHALE MEAT AGAIN - LYRICS COURTESY OF VERA LYNN

As you can see our scientists are still working away to bring you the miracle of television. This picture was taken yesterday at television headquarters in Hull.

Soon we will all be marvelling at the live events such as the exciting log race from Cambridge where teams of toffs sit astride a log and have a 'log off' as they paddle up and down the river. Never before will such exciting events be available for all to see. It will join other society events such as the Grandma National and Wombledon.

Exclusively we can now show you what 'television' will look like in your home. Thrilling isn't it, don't forget it's coming into your living room soon.

N.B. You will need a 'television' to receive 'television'. These are available directly from the BBC and cost £2837 2d. Customers must have at least 473 cubic feet available and have direct access to the national power grid to avoid 'brown outs' of electrical circuits and gas lights. Currenty only one program is broadcast and that's of a kitten playing with a ball of wool. The Radio Times comes out every week and contains listings for all the popular channels such as the BBC and the BBC.

 

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