Believe It Or Not, It's All True!

Did you know that MC Hammer invented flipflops? In 1967 MC Hammer was making breakfast when he accidentally dropped a waffle onto the floor of his luxury apartment. As he was barefooted at the time he stepped on the waffle which stuck to the base of his foot because of the maple syrup that covered it. In his surprise he lost grip of a rasher of bacon and this too fell but draped over toes and onto his waffle shoe effectively joining them together. As he stepped around his kitchen the resulting flip flop sound please him and he realised he had invented some funky new footwear. MC Hammer went on to release 'Hammer Time' with its catchy 'Can't Touch This' and voluminous trouser to raise funds for his flipflop business. It worked and flipflops became the trendiest beach wear around.

MC Hammer once bumped into pop hasbeen Chico and when a passing fan spotted them and asked what the time was it turned into carnage.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Bruce Lee once punched Chuck Norris so hard that the resultant blast created the Ngorongoro crater in Tanzania and caused dormant DNA to form into a hundred different species of butterfly.

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Justin Bieber was once carried by his minder all the way around the world after he found a stone in his shoe and refused to remove it but that's nothing compared to celebrity pouter Nikki Minaj who once purchased two Fabergé Eggs at a whopping £45 million each to stuff down her pants for the ultimate back rack.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

Des'O'Connor loves Christmas so much that he celebrates it everyday and dresses up as Santa Claus each and every night. Des starts the day with a smoked salmon Xmas breakfast and follows it up with a full cooked dinner in front of the television. He has an extensive collection of Queens Christmas Day messages recorded on solid gold VHS tapes which he watches from 3pm until bedtime. The only day he doesn't celebrate Christmas is on Christmas Day itself, he celebrates Easter instead and gorges himself on Creme eggs.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

In 1881 radio two presenter Chris Evans was a young man who decided to experiment not the gaseous properties of the humble brussel. Using his extensive knowledge of plant husbandry he managed to grow the ultimate wind giving brussel sprout which he nicknamed the 'Little Boy'. Fearing ridicule he borrowed a small island in Indonesia from his friend Richard Branson to test out his discovery. There he cooked the brussel over an open camp fire causing it to crackle and pop as noxious fumes poured out of the brussel that could be seen for miles around.

On the morning of August 26th, 1883 Chris Evans started his initial tests and popped in a small piece of the miracle brussel. It tasted exactly like a normal brussel, disappointed he popped in the remains and bent over to put out the fire.

The resulting blast was the loudest ever recorded in history. Reports from London 3,600 miles away recorded a large rasping sound ending in a high pitched whistle, multicoloured sunsets and an overpowering smell that lingered for two months as Chris's flatulence blew with a force equivalent to 200 megatons of TNT. It destroyed Richard Branson's small island of Krakatoa, created twenty six separate tsunamis and left Chris's designer trousers in tatters. He was later found aimlessly walking in circles muttering to himself and smelling of rotting vegetables.

Many years later Chris joined the BBC but was forced to confess to his island destruction after breaking down on Desert Island Discs.

NOW THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Talking Ballcocks

Part seven of our gentle series of scientific discussions continues with 'Talking Ballcocks', this week Reginald and Harold discuss the wind giving properties of pickle based items.

The scene opens with a gentle river flowing through idyllic countryside, our two gentlemen drift aimlessly in a small wooden boat. We join them admist a conversation that had been going on for some time.

'...and with that it blew out the upper floor windows and singed her eyelashes!'

'Good god Reginald that would make a stuffed bird laugh, all that from a pickled onion you say?'

'Indeed, she started off nanty narking and before I knew it she'd popped one in, mad as hops I say. She never really recovered and her eyes never did uncross.'

'My, what a tale, and these are the pickled onions are they?'

'I'd handle them very carefully Harold, they are pickled in Dr Canes Ptang Yang Kipperbang Pickling Peculiar, a very potent brew heavy with sulphur. The label tells you to have one onion a day divided into four equal portions to be taken at rise, midday, afternoon tea and supper to keep you regular. It's very strict about the dosage and you can see why Mrs Dangle took it so badly, she did choose a particularly large one though. Pity, it still looks like she's ridden a horse.'

'What's in the other jar? It looks like a jar full of eyes.'

'Ahh, this Harold is what I wanted to show you. It's a delicacy eaten by the lower classes but I'll warn you now, the smell is odious to say the least. They call it pickled eggs, lord knows how they stomach such stuff, personally I find it offensive to my sauce-box. I bought it from a ruffian in a drinking establishment who had had this jar handed down to him as an heirloom, apparently it's quite common for the pickled eggs to go from generation to generation only being eaten on New Years Eve to help with the celebrations for they create the most fearsome erutications of intestinal gas on earth, the Barking Mumper or Pant Ripper as it's more commonly known. It causes great merriment amongst the common, it's also blamed for the explosions in coal mines so there is a ban on taking them down there in your lunch. Indeed they have special canaries trained to sniff them out.'

'And you want me to try one?'

'Yes, I can't bare the thought of it myself but in the interests of science one of us must try it. I know you are a fellow to try anything once after your last experience with that funnel and castor oil. By the way has the leaking stopped yet?'

'Only just as long as I clench.'

'Here, smell them now the lids off.'

'My god, that could drop a horse! I hope they taste better than they smell, it reminds me of the time I stood too close to that elephants behind and it took my hat off and parted my hair.'

'Here, I have pulled one out for you, pop it in like a good fellow and let's see what happens.'

'Nom, nom, doesn't taste, nom, too, nom, bad. Egg you say? It tastes a little rubbery but not bad at all.'

'Anything?'

'No'

'Anything now?'

'No, hang on, I can feel something'

'And?'

'Pooot!'

'Was that it? A poot? It's supposed to be an absolute Krakatoa of a chuff and all we get is a mouse trumpet! The cad has sold me a dud, I shall return and challenge him to the fisticuffs club.'

'Here, try another.'

'Nom, nom, nom. Mmm, these are quite nice. Here we go! Pooot!'

'Another bally poot! I knew he was a lushington, the drunken mumper.'

'Let me have the jar, I'll finish them off, nom, nom, nom. Hang on, what's this? There's a label on the bottom.'

'Hand it here, let me read it. Hmm, it's badly written but I think I can make it out. It says 'beware of second wind' what on earth could that mean?'

'Oh no. OH NO!'

'What is it Harold? Do you know what it means?'

'Know what it means! It means that the real action starts on the second Poot, I have done two eggs and two poots, I have a double whammy coming!'

'Quad whammy Harold, you have eaten two more!'

'Pooot! Pooot! Bugger!'

The resulting explosion could be heard ten miles away, Harold's legs were found in York and his hat in London. Reginald was left completely hairless with a permanent look of surprise and was found clutching a piece of fabric from Harold's jacket sat bolt upright in half a boat that had landed in Cambridge. Such was the power of the blast that pickled onions from the other jar were found embedded in tree trunks around the area. A smell of rotting cabbage hung in the air across the centre of the country for much of the week, sunsets had taken on a strange hue that drew many a comment and moves were taken by parliament to ban further egg based heirlooms, a practice that continues to this day.

Next episode Reginald finds a replacement for Harold, experiments with hallucinating drugs and meets a talking dog called Colin who writes poetry.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals