FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Imagine

Bagpuss awoke and yawned, he didn't realise how long he had been asleep but it had been a long, long time. The others didn't seem to mind, professor Yaffle the carved disginguished bookend in the shape of a woodpecker was also prone to taking the odd nap. Madeleine the rag doll patted him, 'old furry catpuss, you have been asleep, come and see what Emily has bought you'.

Bagpuss looked over at the empty jar Emily had left. It was covered in dust and had a small peeling label on the front. The mice from the mouse organ had already rolled it across the floor convinced it was a fabulous glass house made for a very important snail. Paddington who had been listening from the corner of the room disagreed and gave the mice a hard stare. It's a jar for marmalade said Paddington as he removed a large marmalade sandwich from underneath his hat. A whistle from behind the mouse organ disagreed and Tiny Clanger stepped out. No matter how hard he whistled he just couldn't get the rest to understand until Parsley the lion who had been listening intently sat up and started to speak only to be interrupted by Dill who raced across the floor chasing his tail.

The 'ching' of the door drew everyone's attention and they all looked up to see good old Mr Benn step in followed by Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub the Trumpton Firemen. Even they were puzzled by Emily's object and it was only when Hartley the outspoken hare and Zippy started to argue that they all realised what it was.

But before they could finish the door opened and in stepped a grim looking man.

'I'm here to inform you all that on this day April 3rd 1987 this shop 'Childhood' and all its contents has been declared unworthy and is to be closed with immediate effect. All characters are to be disbanded and all found objects to be destroyed along with imagination, innocence and manners.'

Emily's shop, 'Childhood' closed its doors and lay dormant for several months until a development firm moved in and ripped out the Victorian frontage and replaced it with a large glass window. It's new owners, four armed turtles opened the doors of its new refurbished shop 'Brats' and business was never better. It was louder, brasher and you could see children racing around screaming and kicking all day long. During a special Power Rangers event children became so excited they were sick and it took a lot of cleaning by the Pokemon's to put the shop back in order the next day but they all agreed that such mayhem was great fun indeed.

All went fine until one day in the year 2000 a familiar grim looking man stepped in to 'Brats'.

'I'm here to inform you all that on this day April 3rd 2005 this shop 'Brats' and all its contents has been declared unworthy and is to be closed with immediate effect. All characters are to be disbanded and all your attitude is to be retained for future generations.'

Overnight 'Brats' was gutted and remodelled into a shop not unlike every other shop in the high street. It was called 'All Growed Up' and contained everything a young adult from the age of three could ever want. Gone were the toys and tools of imagination, gone were the calming stories and soft comfort of being shielded from the world. In was gritty realism, mobile phones with access to an uncensored adult world, a overpowering message that fame was in your grasp and the only thing that mattered was you. Manners was swept under the carpet along with respect for others, tolerance and humility. Shelves were stacked high with arrogance, violence, sex and disrespect for others and the shop thrived. The shop was so successful it became a chain of stores and can be found in every corner of every town in every country to this very day.

Emily's 'Childhood' shop still exists, it's deep in us all if you look hard enough but it's voice is still, unable to call and be heard against the clamour of daily life. But for those that know, it never leaves and you can open the door and step in, just close your eyes and your there.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Millions Will Die

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 21st of December 2012.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed.

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Through The Round Window

Guess which one will it be today children. The arch window? Or will it be the square window? Maybe the round window?
Readers of a certain age will remember this from the popular children's program Play School, immediately you will be now thinking of Big & Little Ted, Humpty, Jemima and the rather peculiar and strangely spooky Hamble accompanied by many various presenters including Brian Cant, Floella Benjamin, Derek Griffiths, Toni Arthur and of course Johnny Ball. What prompted today's entry was reading how the BBC had junked many 2 inch Quadruplex videotape master copies of this program in the assumption that they were no longer of use and the few remaining episodes was sufficient to retain. I can't help feeling that by doing this we are chucking away more than just a roll of TV sentimentality, we have irretrievably chucked away a way of life that will never return.

Now one can say that I'm looking through rose tinted glasses at the past and really the programs were awful products made by adults to give kids what adults thought they wanted. In reality it was actually a burgeoning time for children's TV, production costs were limited and most programming although produced on a shoe string budget were fashioned with great skill, consideration and above all a passion. None more so than programs created by Peter Firmin and Oliver Postgate who even today are remembered for Bagpuss, The Clangers and Ivor The Engine and probably summed it up in an interview I read many years ago about what made making all these programs worth it. In his reply he talked about a letter he received from a girl, now an adult, who thanked him for Bagpuss with it's gentle nature and make believe world as it had been her only escape from child abuse for fifteen minutes each week.

The destruction of Play School marks a watershed of changing attitudes to the way children's television has evolved, gradually we have moved away from the gentle nurturing of childhood and promotion of certain values and into a more, should I say, aggressive style of nurturing. Gone is the 'Watch with Mother', a special time set aside on television for mother and child to share, gone also is real after school children's programming, even the stalwart Blue Peter has had a dramatic makeover to appeal to hip children. The TV schedule today has no special format to allow a more progressive children's programming and the multitude of 24 hour children's channels nullifies any special aspect of a program.

Not a criticism just an observation, time as they say moves on, society cannot live in the past but sometimes the greatest things are gone before we have a chance to save them. Wasn't it more beautiful when you believed in everything?

So for the sake of preservation here are a few of my special programs that helped me through my childhood. First the unlikely Mary, Mungo and Midge, a girl, a dog and a mouse all living in a perfect block of flats that requires a mouse touch to operate the complex lift button. It's quirky home location was one of the first programs to place a character in an urban setting to reflect it's viewing audience. It always started and finished the same giving a sense of familiarity with a small adventure taking place in between.

Bagpuss needs no introduction, repeated regularly since it's release in 1974 it remains firmly at the top of the greatest children's programs ever made. Bagpuss wakes to find a lost often broken object, throws in some tall tales and a few facts to help restore the object then places it back in the window for it to be found. He then sleeps. Simple. It was Bagpuss that first made me realise that imagination is unboundless, from simple objects great delight can be sought, it also fired my passion for creative writing and a love of stripes.

Making use of things you find. The Wombles lived on Wimbledon Common in secret from humans making use of all the discarded house hold items we disposed of. Orinoco, Tobermory, Great Uncle Bulgaria and Tomsk became household names in the mid 70's and even spawned a real band that went on to narrowly miss the number one slot for Christmas in 1974 with Wombling Merry Christmas peaking at number 2. At least we saw them on Top Of The Pops on Christmas Day.

Another set of characters that need no introduction, The Clangers burst onto our screen with a sense of surreal in 1969 and remained firmly lodged in my head. With a peculiar whistling sound they experienced adventures beyond imagination, musical trees, iron chickens and plastic creating machines that cannot be turned off are just a few examples, couple this with a Soup Dragon and assorted Froglets and you have a perfect springboard for perfection.

The Herbs on the other hand is remembered for something completely different, it was the first program I saw in colour as a child. I was awestruck. A new television was delivered and as it warmed up, yes, you really did have to wait for it to warm up, a yellow faced, green mane talking lion lit up the screen. The sophisticated writing style and narrative delivery often went over the heads of children watching but it's hypnotic quality worked on so many levels.

For pure surrealism though you can't beat Mr Benn. Imagine pitching this idea to a television company today. 'Well, basically it's about a civil servant who likes to dress up in weird clothes, he has an arrangement that allows him to indulge his fantasy with a fez wearing local fancy dress shop owner. He strips down to his smalls, dresses in his fantasy attire and opens a mysterious door into a world where he can act it out with like minded individuals'

On paper it shouldn't work on television though under the creative guidance of David McKee it became a gentle classic.

So far we have looked at animation but programs of this era went even to even simpler yet still charming with programs such as Fingerbobs. The inventiveness placed numerous objects in front of Fingermouse and his friends who throughout the ten minute program created a new use for them. Simple but effective all delivered by Yoffy, a live actor who didn't hide the fact that Fingermouse and his friends were indeed puppets. The magic came from the interaction and clever use of objects, Yoffy talked to all his 'finger' creations. The theme tune lyrics probably explain the whole thing.

"Yoffy lifts a finger, and a mouse is there / Puts his hands together, and a seagull takes the air / Yoffy lifts a finger, and a scampi darts about / Yoffy bends another, and a tortoise head peeps out / These hands were made for making, and making they must do."

Hidden away in the listings and often after Pebble Mill at one was The Flumps. Small balls of wool filmed in a stop motion way. Father Flump was an inventor, Grandfather Flump played a Flumpet and Pootle guided us through the Flumpet world. Cute, cuddly, innocent with a very real familiarity for the viewer.

The eBay of the 70's this 1976 launched program allowed children not only to swap unwanted toys and gifts but also communicate directly with the program they were watching. For a children's TV show this level of interactivity was truly ground breaking. Unfortunately it was also one of the first programs that started to hype up children with celebrities, cartoons and other road show appearances to bring the ultimate in interactivity to it's viewers. It has it's place and influenced me greatly with it's genuine skilful approach to Saturday morning television but this was to me more of a turning point and by the time Swap Shop aired it's last ever episode in 1982 the gentler approach was already on it's way out.

Still going strong though from it's 1972 launch on ITV was Rainbow, an innovative format that delivered songs, stories and strong ties between the characters. Over a 1000 episodes were produced in total, Zippy, Bungle and George were very British about everything and retained a naivety to anything and everything, Zippy was the hyperactive child whilst George was the quiet shy type and as most children could relate to one or the other it worked perfectly.

Chigley, Trumpton and Camberwick Green, gentle tales set in the fictional Trumptonshire delivered with the unmistakeable voice of Brian Cant. It's probably one of the only children programs that covered most jobs of it's day. Not only do we have a postman , firemen and builders but also characters that seem so out of place today, a miller, milkman and chimney sweep. Even the description for the resident artist, who incidentally has no name, is classed as an un-named transient is quite naive and probably apt all at the same time. Set in a real world they existed and worked as one unit, problems were solved together and even though there were policemen and firemen there was never anything other than mild peril. Trumptonshire was a place that children of the time imagined that they were growing in to.

When it's gone, it's gone. Losing these programs and memories would be such a mistake. The creators of these programs believed with an unbridled passion in what they were doing and in turn created something very special for most people, a childhood.