Bunnyopolis

The garden is gradually coming to life with the addition of plenty of new plants and a lick of paint. It amazing how one can of weather shield can transform buildings, pots and even bird tables making the whole garden look a lot brighter than before.

The veg bed in Bunnyopolis has also started to produce results. We have had our first radishes, Aaran, Jura and Iona our three continental giant rabbits have started to enjoy the small carrots we have been growing as they help out with a bit of pruning. Several trees and shrubs have been rabbit protected to a certain diameter, the bits they can get to get snipped off and enjoyed which in turn keeps the plants in shape. This year the small veg plot has radishes, carrots, onions (not bun friendly so they are for us only), parsnips, courgettes and mini pop sweet corn.

Now the threat of frost has just about passed the greenhouse has received its first batch of plants in the form of tomatoes, cucumbers, chillies and peppers. Outside we have a herb selection and pots of beans, peas and two tubs of Sweetpea flowers to brighten up the studio.

The improvements in Bunnyopolis have been well received, now the buns can settle outside even when it rains should they wish to escape their five star accommodation by using the new open fronted 'summer house' or the victorian chimney pot. Two seats also make great places to enjoy the small bunny paddock we call Bunnyopolis.

Inside Bunnyopolis the residents are shedding their winter coats in preparation for a hot summer, life it seems doesn't get any better and they pass their days lounging in their day beds before hopping around the garden until sundown.

Bliss.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

You May Feel A Small Prick

DOCTOR PLOOBADOOFS FIRST AID TIPS

This handy fold out pocket guide is an invaluable tome of information for all those holiday home accidents you are liable to have during the Easter period. Look up your ailment and follow the accurate guidelines by our resident specialist Doctor Ploobadoof.

SMALL CUTS

Dress the wound. I find a nice little tie and maybe a top hat looks just the ticket for finger injuries. Other areas of injury may require further dressing such as a nice pair of leggings or a skirt.

Sellotape and cotton wool make excellent plasters for small cuts as do thinly cut rashers of bacon.

LARGE CUTS AND WOUNDS

To stop any bleeding tie a large tourniquet around your waist until you have trouble breathing. This will ease the flow of blood around the body and stem the flow. Any uncomfortableness will wear off as you pass out.

Wrap the wound in cling film to seal the skin and to allow you to show off your injuries to friends with your see through bandage. A little pin prick in the cling film will allow you to make an amusing blood fountain for entertainment purposes.

ELECTROCUTION

Immediately switch off the electric but do not touch the person injured, electricity cost money and you should save the pennies as soon as possible.

Should you need to break the connection between the person and the electricity connection and you are unable to switch the supply off immediately inform your supplier that you cannot pay your bill this month and you will be cut off in seconds.

Switch to a different supplier, green energy electric companies supply safe electricity made from flower petals.

BONUS - After being electrocuted you will be able to light bulbs and start car engines without the need for electricity, probably.

BROKEN LIMBS

Tell the injured party that the break is indeed far worse than it looks, should it not prove so it will provide some light relief later on.

Matchsticks make ideal splints for hamsters.

Say 'I hope you made a wish' and laugh before attempting to get them to stand in the case of broken legs.

Poke the injured area lightly with a stick until they wince with pain and pass out, it will make your job a lot more easier.

FOOD OBSTRUCTION

A drop kick to the back normally dislodges most food stuck in the windpipe. Failing that stand behind the choaker and pull back their arms before kicking away their legs from under them. The sudden shock of hitting the floor using just their undercarriage as a cushion will dislodge anything including small plastic horses and dingoes.

Perform the Hielmainik, Hiemlock, Hiemlickle, whatever manoeuvre.

CONCUSSION

Add to the confusion by turning off all the lights as the injured regains consciousness, wait thirty seconds then shout 'Surprise!' as you turn them back on. Talk in nothing but Italian for further mirth giving laughs before holding up a packet of sausages and asking them to count the fingers.

ARTHRITIS

Rub the affected area in lard and wrap in newspaper, do not remove for six months or until your arthritis has gone.

Arthur Itis has had to endure japes about his name for more years than you have had arthritis, just think about that before you moan.

Worms don't get arthritis according to the latest survey so take a leaf out of a worms book and wriggle your way around the house improving your flexibility until arthritis is just a distant memory.

HEADACHE

Stop watching reality TV and it will soon go away.

PAIN IN THE REAR

Stop watching Bargain Hunt and it will soon go away.

LAWNMOWER ACCIDENTS

Carefully remove all the lawnmower parts from the victim and set aside. Soak them in oil to remove any blood etc before carefully reassembling them. Your lawnmower should be perfectly restored to working order.

Doctor Ploobadoof is a qualified Scalectrix and Lego surgeon, we take no responsibility for the accuracy contained in this free guide and should be used as a reference only in the presence of the Archbishop of Canterbury. Accurate to 1mm (c) 1673 Verily & Sons, Londone.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Hare Today

Not a bad start to the year, we have just entered the fourth month and I'm starting number 11,12 and 13 Impossimal paintings of the year. They are a combination of model constructed Impossimal pieces and others that have been developed directly onto the canvas from several sketches. They do look slightly different to each other as the ones that were painted from a model reveal more depth but the others feel more quirky if that makes sense.

So today I'm working on 'It's All About Me', 'Falling In Love With You' and 'Somewhere Only We Know' a varied selection of pieces from humour to sentimentality. I suppose that's the Impossimal theme this year, a little of everything as we are not putting together any kind of collection or tour but more of Impossimals that we wish to paint. Favourites so far are 'Swingers' and 'I Got Ninety Nine Problems', classic Impossimal paintings but there is also a return to pieces including the distinctive tall house such as in 'Welcome Home'

I'm also using a new technique of overlaying sculpture on top of the oil paintings, it's early days but the results are quite impressive.

So lots of new things developing as I plough away in the studio, meanwhile however Jayne is about to eclipse everything...

Jayne has been developing Foreverbunny for the past three months and this weekend she created some pieces that are simply quite stunning. Forget everything you ever knew about Foreverbunny these big hitting creations punch heavily above their weight now she has combined Foreverbunny with Foreverhare to bring you 'Lord Of The Dance', 'Joy' and 'Field Of Dreams'. They are not available on the website yet as the website will be shortly disabled whilst everything is put in place with a brand new look and feel.

Looks like I have some stiff competition for studio space as the hares and rabbits take over and Jayne keeps producing piece after piece, some measuring a whopping 32'' x 32''. Any galleries or publishers looking to work with Jayne to bring her Foreverbunny dream to fruition, now is probably the right time to contact her whilst I still have a studio left!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Get In!

Fancy spending this coming Saturday 22nd March at 7:30pm being entertained, dining on world class food and being part of one of the big events in Londons prestigious Landmark Hotel?  Due to popular demand we have been allocated a few more exclusive tickets to this fabulous event The Mariposa Masquerade Ball in conjunction with HELLO! magazine and Hyundai who will be supplying the fleet of cars to bring the VIP guests to the star studded night.

You too can be part of this spectacular night as we have extended our table due to popular demand and made several more tickets available on a first come, first served basis to join us. We will be your guides for the night as you eat, drink and make merry in sumptuous surroundings.

 Tickets now include performances by BOND, the worlds biggest selling string quartet and sensational Jazz singer Abby Scott as well as the super auction with some stunning lots. We have upped the game with several new additions to the Impossimal auction line up.

 First a sold out Edisons Sherlock Sidewinder sculpture from our own personal collection, countersigned by both myself and Jayne with additional tour brochure.

Secondly a fabulous Cantering Caketacular Queen Of Bakes, personally framed by in the studio this black framed triple mounted limited edition is a unique one off piece like no other, again from our personal collection, signed on the back and complete with dedicated brochure.

These are in addition to the stunning original available on the night celebrating the story of Andy and Zoe, founders of Saying Goodbye, part of the Mariposa Trust.

So come along and join us at our own personal tables for a once in a lifetime treat, for full details and ticket prices email impossimal@gmail.com , alternatively use our contact page on the website or send us a message on Facebook, Twitter or any other social media.

Not long now for a night to remember!

Titter Ye Not

After spending pretty much most of the time either cooped up in the studio or on tour last year we decided to change our working habits and become a little more flexible in 2014. This involves making sure we have at least one day a week out and about to break up the routine. Yesterday was that day and our destination was the Hope Valley, a wonderful walking destination and the start of a seven mile hike.

You know that things aren't going to go smoothly, after all, I'm involved so it was no surprise to find out that the car park we had chosen had a broken ticket machine. Phone this number it's gleefully displayed only to be contradicted by two other phone this number stickers around the coin slot. So with dour expectancy I phoned, either that or get a £50 fine.

'Hello, I'd like to report a problem with one of your car park ticket machines'

'Ok, what is your name?'

'Err, Peter'

'No, full name please'

'Peter Smith'

'Thankyou, now your postcode and house number'

'Hang on, why do you need my postcode and house number?'

'For security reasons.'

'What security reasons? I'm reporting a ticket machine problem from a cold and empty car park what kind of security breach I'm I going to achieve here?'

'Its standard procedure'

'For MI5 maybe but all I want to do is tell you it's broke.' You can see by now this phonecall was going to go every way bizarre as is usual for one of my days.

'Ok, in that case use another ticket machine. Goodbye.'

'Hang on, hang on! There is no other ticket machine, the car park has ten spaces and I'm in the middle of nowhere with three bearded men approaching me who are going to have the same problem when they use the machine, either that or I'm going to experience the Derbyshire equivalent of Deliverance.'

'There is no other ticket machine?'

'No, and guess what, the one there is doesn't work.'

'Would you like to report it?'

'WTF! No,no, I wouldn't like to trouble you with trifling details like that, I was lacking a bit of stress in my life and hoped you could supply it, I'm so glad I phoned.'

Silence...

'Can I report it?'

'No, you need our car parks division.'

'Aaaarrrggghh!!' I then proceeded to kick the ticket machine until the three bearded men managed to calm me down.

Anyway, I eventually got through to the right department and had to report it using a special code, they had to take all my details down including car make, reg, shoe size etc and I had to write a lengthy explanation and leave it in the car window. Then, get this, I had to hand my phone to three other strangers to verify them individually and for them to confirm all their details too. I ask you, and you wonder where all our money gets spent.

That sorted it was off to use the public conveniences before setting off and lo and behold they were spotless. As I stood there concentrating I heard a polite cough from the cubicles, there was indeed someone else resident, obviously in for a good read as I could hear the pages turning. Then get this, another classic moment. A noise sounding like a building brick being dropped in a water filled bucket emitted from the cubicles direction, followed by a sigh, then unbelievably a fanfare such as you would get to announce the bride and groom at a Royal wedding. Then, unbelievably, no really unbelievably, they spoke 'And that my friends is a Doppler dump, don't forget you can see more on my YouTube channel xxxx'

The guy was filming himself, I kid you not.

I hurried out into the arms of Jayne and urged her on. I shudder to think, I have so many questions, how, why, what camera angle and should I look it up on YouTube.

I won't regale the rest of the strangeness but I'll just add one thing, I know many of you probably think it's all made up but no, really, these things happen and on an all too regular basis including general unexpected randomness in typical fashion as I turned the corner with Jayne.

For lo and behold another surprise, I ask you, who wouldn't smile as you approached this little gem and with that we tittered away into the hills.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Perfectopartner.com

Welcome to perfectopartner.com Comp-u-date, please fill in our questionnaire to find your perfect partner in seconds. Love guaranteed at first sight, soul mates a speciality, no time wasters or pugly people.

Ideal build

A) Slim and svelte

B) Average with a tendency to over eat

C) Bouncy castle

D) Thunder thighs with roll top bottom and back rack

Attractiveness

A) Bland and attracts flies

B) Considered attractive by some forgotten tribes

C) Drop dead gorgeous with a lazy eye

D) A cross between Rod Hull and Emu

Interests

A) Helium balloons and goats

B) Counting rivets on trains

C) Gorging on chocolate and cheese whilst watching Twilight movies

D) Squat thrusting in supermarket aisles

Age preference

A) 18-25

B) Cougar

C) OAP

D) 34 years, 7 days and 2 hours 23 minutes.

Hair colour

A) Grey

B) Puce

C) Blond but is a brunette

D) Brunette that is a blond

Shoe size

A) 3-4

B) 9-11

C) Kayak

D) Clown

Outlook

A) Positive thinker

B) Jerk

C) Miserable sad sack

D) Couch potato

Likes

A) Cats

B) Cats

C) Cats

D) Siberian Pygmy donkeys

Dislikes

A) Cats

B) Removing nasal hair with pliers

C) Playing Dutch ovens

D) Moustaches on mice

One sentence to describe your perfect mate

A) Suave, sophisticated with a tendency to oil squirrels which is why they never make a noise

B) Quiet stay at home type with homicidal tendencies

C) Loud obnoxious ugly slob with lots of money

D) Perfect partner with julabubs to rub and a well used fan belt

Bzzzzzkkkkkt! Your perfect partner is Zoink! being selected from our Krunk! database, please wait.

.

.

.

.

Mostly A's

You will be Oprah the moon with your selection, they come fully loaded and with a free razor.

Mostly B's

Baby faced Brian, a popular choice due to his incredible physique that unfortunately falls down in the trouser department with his petit pois and baby carrot. Comes with free rusks.

Mostly C's

No more horsing around with this thin faced catch, comes with baggage and saggage but lives in the city and has pretty friends. Makes films and wears a saddle without kicking.

Mostly D's

Dang nabbit it's country boy yawl, you can go squirrellin' and feast on grits. Free crazy teeth for all your kids, comes with tin bath and friends called Cletus.

We hope you find everlasting love with our accurate selections, please call again and leave you message after the tone.

Comp-u-date software has been developed by Sinclair Electronics. ©ZX-80 version 2.0

PERSONAL SECTION

Dog goes woof, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet. Funky fox looking for sexy stoat, come and find out what the fox says and stroke my brush. Dial 018726-62552-66 now!

Pale face seeks Pocahontas to Pocahontas all night. Box 6524

Flyboy wants to take you to heaven and back on his golden unicorn of delight. No time wasters or Ogres. Box 8263

Troll, own bridge seeks flirty goat for gruffing. Box 862

Sleeping beauty requires waking, must fight dragon first and ride a silver stallion. Please note, I am NOT Rapunzel, use the stairs, key under mat. Box 829163

Still looking, desperate house maid trapped by two sisters. Feet in bandages after accident with glass slippers. Will meet but must be home before midnight. Box 91625

Naive girl followed wrong path in life and ended up with three losers for friends. Let down at last minute by a fake magician and followed by small people. Accidentally killed a lady, owns ruby shoes and comes with pigtails. Reply Dorothy Box 41637

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Terror Treasures Of The World (issue one)

Issue 1 of 250, First Issue 10p with free Telephone Of Terror plastic replica

Normal Price £4.99

Welcome this stunning collection of antiquities and mysterious objects that aim to beguile and amaze you. In easy to collect parts over the next 250 weeks it will build up into a stunning library that will stun visitors with its stunning collection of the weird and wonderful.

1. The Haunted Shoe of the Trimbini Tribe of Sumatra

Rumoured to have been left by a disillusioned cobbler who after arriving in Sumatra discovered that in fact the only footwear worn was banana leaves studded with cloves the shoe is held in esteem by the elders of the various Trimibini tribes. Decorated with leather laces and a small floral tongue it is often bought out at ceremonial occasions whereupon they will perform the dance of the river, a line of dancers perform a high speed tapping move specially created to annoy other local tribes and to remind them who has the shoe.

If any person should be foolish to wear the shoe without the proper protection bestowed by the god Cobbleteetee then they will be haunted for two full moons by the spirit of he cobbler who will attempt to re-heel them every night as they sleep using nothing but a coconut and a guava leaf.

In today's current antiquities market the haunted shoe is a prize worth having and will easily be swapped at TK-Maxx for a pair of second hand brogues.

2. The Tell Tale Toaster

Found in 1998 at an undisclosed address in Hull this Breville Masterblaster two slicer purchased from Currys around 1982 according to the receipt has the uncanny ability to communicate with the dead. Experts have witnessed toast burn with peculiar symbols on them, undescipherable to most except for a select few that have the toastituality to foresee the hidden messages. One, a D.Ackordian has deciphered messages from many spirits said to posses the toaster and the accompanying drinks cabinet.

The toaster recently became famous when it had its own television series 'D.Ackordians Most Toasted' a tour de force of mystery as the spirit world residents of the tormented toaster was given a voice by our toastituality medium Derick. So far he has uncovered a young delivery boy ran over by a cart and horse in a freak boating accident, the plaintive cries of a young woman overcome by fumes from over ripe cheese and surprisingly a Martian who first landed in 2094BC and died trying to change the toaster plug when he accidentally touched a live wire whilst trying to release a trapped crumpet.

Current worth £unknown

3. The Revengeful Rug of Regret

Shortly after the death of Major G.Raffe at the base of his extravagant staircase the items left in his extensive mansion were sold at a Sotherbys auction in 1949. One of these items has been attributed to more than fifteen deaths. The Persian Rug of Regret as it has become to be known claimed its first victim shortly after it sale when it was placed in the hallway of its new owner. Unfamiliar with its ornate corner decorations it caught under his feet whilst he was otherwise engaged carrying in his other auction purchases and fell on the umbrella stand. Unfortunately the umbrella stand was also home to his wife's extensive collection of knitting needles and ceremonial spears which punctured him several times before he staggered back and fell onto the coal scuttle. He passed away shortly after the small shovel and several lumps of coke were removed.

In 1962 an unbeliever tried to destroy the rug by throwing it out of a first story window, the rug snagged on the latch and he lost his balance falling to his death in a small patch of shrubbery below. By 1977 it had made its way to Uphem Hall which burned to the ground six months later, the rug survived. The rugs fame had reached epidemic proportions and Michael Jackson based his 1982 hit Thriller on the remarkable yet scary story of the indestructible rug. Reminants if the indestructible rug were taken for analysis and later woven into Bruce Forsyths wig raising rumours about the secret of his entertainment immortality.

Current wearabouts unknown but be on the lookout for a soiled multicoloured rug with tassels and a penchant for murder!

Part 2 tomorrow!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Canny

Morning ladies, as you know I am Canny Fradock the celebrity cook from off the television and whilst I get through my breakfast I am going to teach you how to feed your family the Canny way using my new book Canny Creative Cooking available from all good book shops in 1953.

We all know good cooking starts at home and where better than a well equipped kitchen with all the mod cons.

Here's Judith, diligently staying at home and chained to the kitchen whilst her brute of a husband takes a well earned business break with his tarty secretary the hussy. Notice how she has got the brand new electric golly-hob, four knobs to expertly vary the rings from off to on and back again, thoughtfully her husband has remembered not to include the kitchen sink as these tend to get blocked and require a plumber and Mr husband knows from his visits to that seedy cinema on the corner what happens to housewives when a plumber visits. Sensible man. The scene is set for domestic bliss, just don't forget his pipe and slippers, that cellar is awfully dark!

To cook any decent meal you are going to require a set of gay pans, in fact you need as many gay things in your life as possible. Here we have a gay set of pots and pans to grace any kitchen, even that mucky hole that you have Mrs Maude Billowbottom at number twelve. Don't forget to include a Dial-o-matic pressure cooker, ideal for removing the flesh, skin and gristle from a multitude of animals allowing you to make every meal tender enough for aged relatives with a bonus of removing all flavour too.

Table settings are just as important, here we have a romantic meal for one to help single people feel as if they are being entertained lavishly in the company of friends. Eat a starter at one place setting then move, eat the main course them move again to a different seat, eventually you will have lots of used dishes and a scene that looks like your friends have just popped off for a minute. When you reach the coffee and cigar stage sit back and admire a night of entertainment and salute your three absent friends before weeping dolefully in the kitchen.

Starters should never be small, if you get a small starter in a restaurant immediately demand to see the manager and ask for a main for starter before you start your main. When the main comes demand to see the manager and complain that it looked like your starter then ask for your money back and order pudding.

Anyway this is a delicious nutritious starter you can make at home, I call it the Spudpea-chick-a-wing, a delightful starter comprising of minted tinned peas, potato cheese pushed through a hollowed out corned beef tin and deep fried chicken bones with a coating of sawdust mixed with sand. My mouth is watering already, your husband will love you forever or at least until his next business trip.

For main you need to supply plenty of salt, salt is a natural ingredient that should be lavishly issued on any table. Here I have a small bowl of salt which is adequate for one main meal per person. This delicious salad main is called Meat Mountain with peas. A simple dish to make, all you need is a lettuce, a tomato, tinned peas and of course finely cut squares of liver and luncheon meat combined in a strawberry jelly mold glazed with a beef dripping and decorated with a slice of acelet or tongue. If this doesn't get your man going nothing will.

If he is still hungry then why not make our Man Flan, this is one impressive dish and uses ground up pedigree chum mixed with a tin of tuna to give a meaty fish surprise with every bite. With a pastry made from chalk and copydex glue this man pleaser will stick to every inch of his ribs and leave him speechless.

Finally pudding and what could be better than a cake which celebrates his hair colour. I'm sure he will be over the moon to receive such a cake letting everyone know that he dyes his hair. See page 273 for recepies to create cakes for blondes, brunettes and even mousy looking hair friends.

That's it for today's cooking tips, buy my book please I'm a humble celebrity cook that needs the money to support my ten restaurants, my new gay pan range, the monthly magazine, television spin off programs, my campaign to introduce span fritters and rainbow pudding back into schools, the other campaign I have to rid the world of sandwiches made out of rhubarb, the full microwaveable range of meals that I invented before they had microwaves and all the other activities I do to scrape by on a yearly income of £24 million.

Only £9.99 at all good bookshops today!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

TV Pluschoiceradiotimes

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecombe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia interspliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecombe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it singlehandedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Scwartssssyyyyigger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With Stephen Fry

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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Still, there's always this...

Click to play or click here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Scrooged

Christmas on a budget will be at the top of most agendas this Christmas so to help you make the most of this time of the year here is your free guide to the perfect cost free Christmas without busting the bank.

Advent Brussels

 

1 x Egg Box

24 x Brussels

1 x Marker Pen

 

Turn that unhealthy chocolate advent calendar into something more exciting and healthy with our advent brussels. Each day you get to carefully unwrap each piece revealing a juicy delicious centre with crunch. Imagine a child's delight as each day they get to decide how they would like to eat their brussel, will they microwave, bake, boil, fry or eat or raw? The possibilities are endless.

 

METHOD

 

Take each brussel and using the pen add a number between 1-24, on the reverse draw something Christmassy like a goat or cat. Place carefully in the egg box. Remove one each day, unwrap and enjoy!

 

N.B. For an extra special treat add Christmas Day by writing 25 on a pickled onion.

 

 

This exquisite cracker was made using household items, it has all the surprises a real cracker has and looks attractive to boot but it was SO easy to make.

 

CRACKING CRACKER

 

1 x Toilet roll tube, if not are available ask neighbours to save theirs.

1 x A great joke, feel free to use mine or this one 'How do shortsighted ghosts see? With spookticles!'

1 x A hat made from paper or newspaper rolled into a cone and secured using tape.

6 x Peas, everyone loves the versatile pea and it makes an excellent gift.

1 x Spaghetti, snap in two and place both pieces in the tube, when pulled the pasta 'cracks' making an excellent substitute bang.

 

METHOD

 

Place everything inside the bog roll and decorate with paper to seal the ends. Grab both ends and pull to enjoy.

 

N.B. Crackers are best shared with two people although one handed pulling is permitted but it's not as satisfying. Different toilet roll tubes have different pulling strengths, always be aware of elf and safety.

 

DECORATIONS

 

BRUSSEL BAUBLES & SATSUMA SUSPENDERS

 

Very easy to make these attractive pleasant smelling Christmas ornament would grace any home with their simplicity and design. Take any brussel and carefully peel away one layer leaving it attached at the top to give a pleasing skirt effect as above. Using a screwdriver make a small hole and thread through a short piece of string, ideally reclaimed free from potato sacks or use shoelaces instead.

Do the same for the satsumas but this time decorate them using your imagination, be creative, you can even personalise them and sell them on Etsy.

N.B. Use less force with the screwdriver when tackling the satsuma, juice can squirt in any direction so always wear protective clothing when tackling citrus fruits.

HERALD ANGELS

 

1 x Paper cone

1 x Brussel

 

METHOD

 

Place the brussel on top of the cone and decorate as shown above to give yourself a celestial choir that is so realistic you can almost hear the sound of carols drifting through the house. After a couple of hours you could have made an entire chorister gathering or whatever and you can take great pleasure in singing out loud Christmas carols as you join in with your new found friends. Our angel above has a special expression called the 'surprised altar boy', other expressions are available from good book shops.

 

Don't forget, this can also join our project from Summer when we made a boyfriend/girlfriend from carrots and onions so you never have to feel lonely ever again.

 

N.B. If you did make our project from the summer it's probably best to change the carrot anytime now.

 

Finally the gift that keeps on giving, brussels, the main problem is though is wrapping them. Here is our demystified guide to brussel wrapping.

BRAPPING

 

Place brussel on paper, stand on one leg and using your right hand grasp the brussel and pull up the paper using your left hand. Change legs then use your mouth to grab a bit of tape and stick. Voila! Do this to an entire 5lb bag of brussels and you will keep the children busy unwrapping until Christmas dinner keeping them from getting under your feet. Teach them to peel them as they unwrap and you have Christmas dinner veg covered too, it really is the gift that keeps on giving all the year round.

 

I hope these handy tips save you a few bob during the festive period, you can find these tips and more in my latest book about saving money and scrimping called 'The 365 Day Scrooge' only £99.99 or twelve monthly payments of £10 at a typical 263% Apr

 

Merry Scrimping Christmas and a Sponging New Year to one and all!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bunnyopolis - A Winters Tale

Bunnyopolis, home to Iona, Jura and Aaran our three continental giant rabbits gets its winter protection added now the days are getting shorter and colder. Basically frames of clear Perspex protect the run side whilst the low level heating is turned on in the living quarters.

They don't really like change though and prefer a routine, to clean out the run we had to move various toys around much to their disapproval. Here Jura is rather concerned that the wooden bridge is temporarily at a new eye level, something she tells us through her expression and a concerned leg nudge she gives us. Equally all three are very tactile and communicate best they can through the use of body stances, nudges and head pushing. If they want a stroke the will push their nose into the palm of your hand and push up, if you are perceived to ignore them you will get several hard nudges until you look down. Get in the way and a few paw punches will get you to move, if they are bored with a particular toy then that will be thrown about in your presence until changed.

Rabbits, like people, also have grumpy days. Yesterday after several days of rain we had a keeness to be left alone to do all the rabbity things they hadn't be able to do for a while, chewing, running, eating grass, so we humans had to take a back seat until they were rabbited out.

Best thing though with the shorter days is that we get chance to spend a lot more time with them indoors. They pretty much use us as climbing frames especially when home dried carrot and apple is available. The sensation of having a three foot long, 25lb rabbit balancing on your back is something to experience, Aaran in particular has a new habit of running at me and seeing how far he can run up my chest and face whenever I sit down. Nice as it is last night he reached my bald patch (it's not that hard to reach as it pretty much covers my whole head so from above I look like an egg wearing a fur lined skirt) which now has a nice red, difficult to explain scratch mark.

We have had our three fur kids for quite a while but still discover more and more about them everyday. Iona is slightly plumper, away with the fairies and quite often gets into trouble, two weeks ago we found her in the turn up of the curtain that stops draughts coming through the door. She has a habit of licking fabric only this time decided to nibble at the cotton which inevitably made a hole for her to explore. Her shear weight nearly bought the whole thing crashing down. Aaran is a little scaredy cat and delightfully simple and cuddly, he will sit for hours being stroked. Jura is boss bunny, always first on the scene and very quick to work things out, she also worries a lot which she reveals through her typical continental giant eyes. A little V on her bottom means her five inch long tail can fit perfectly and she also uses her tail as an indicator when she turns a corner and can wag it like a dog.

So Bunnyopolis is ready for the winter, let's hope it's not as bad as they are predicting although there is one benefit...

Bunny Racetracks!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals