DOCTOR PLOOBADOOFS FIRST AID TIPS
This handy fold out pocket guide is an invaluable tome of information for all those holiday home accidents you are liable to have during the Easter period. Look up your ailment and follow the accurate guidelines by our resident specialist Doctor Ploobadoof.
Dress the wound. I find a nice little tie and maybe a top hat looks just the ticket for finger injuries. Other areas of injury may require further dressing such as a nice pair of leggings or a skirt.
Sellotape and cotton wool make excellent plasters for small cuts as do thinly cut rashers of bacon.
LARGE CUTS AND WOUNDS
To stop any bleeding tie a large tourniquet around your waist until you have trouble breathing. This will ease the flow of blood around the body and stem the flow. Any uncomfortableness will wear off as you pass out.
Wrap the wound in cling film to seal the skin and to allow you to show off your injuries to friends with your see through bandage. A little pin prick in the cling film will allow you to make an amusing blood fountain for entertainment purposes.
Immediately switch off the electric but do not touch the person injured, electricity cost money and you should save the pennies as soon as possible.
Should you need to break the connection between the person and the electricity connection and you are unable to switch the supply off immediately inform your supplier that you cannot pay your bill this month and you will be cut off in seconds.
Switch to a different supplier, green energy electric companies supply safe electricity made from flower petals.
BONUS - After being electrocuted you will be able to light bulbs and start car engines without the need for electricity, probably.
Tell the injured party that the break is indeed far worse than it looks, should it not prove so it will provide some light relief later on.
Matchsticks make ideal splints for hamsters.
Say 'I hope you made a wish' and laugh before attempting to get them to stand in the case of broken legs.
Poke the injured area lightly with a stick until they wince with pain and pass out, it will make your job a lot more easier.
A drop kick to the back normally dislodges most food stuck in the windpipe. Failing that stand behind the choaker and pull back their arms before kicking away their legs from under them. The sudden shock of hitting the floor using just their undercarriage as a cushion will dislodge anything including small plastic horses and dingoes.
Perform the Hielmainik, Hiemlock, Hiemlickle, whatever manoeuvre.
Add to the confusion by turning off all the lights as the injured regains consciousness, wait thirty seconds then shout 'Surprise!' as you turn them back on. Talk in nothing but Italian for further mirth giving laughs before holding up a packet of sausages and asking them to count the fingers.
Rub the affected area in lard and wrap in newspaper, do not remove for six months or until your arthritis has gone.
Arthur Itis has had to endure japes about his name for more years than you have had arthritis, just think about that before you moan.
Worms don't get arthritis according to the latest survey so take a leaf out of a worms book and wriggle your way around the house improving your flexibility until arthritis is just a distant memory.
Stop watching reality TV and it will soon go away.
PAIN IN THE REAR
Stop watching Bargain Hunt and it will soon go away.
Carefully remove all the lawnmower parts from the victim and set aside. Soak them in oil to remove any blood etc before carefully reassembling them. Your lawnmower should be perfectly restored to working order.
Doctor Ploobadoof is a qualified Scalectrix and Lego surgeon, we take no responsibility for the accuracy contained in this free guide and should be used as a reference only in the presence of the Archbishop of Canterbury. Accurate to 1mm (c) 1673 Verily & Sons, Londone.