Get With It

Welcome to YOUR COMPUTOR 2014, the only magazine for computer enthusiasts with regular articles, tips, free software and our special in depth reviews and articles showing the future of technology. Let's start off with our first review and a brand new release from Sinclair Computing, the ZX-81.

Designed to take on the latest iPad and Tablet computers the ZX-81 is a real enthusiasts computer pitched directly to compete for our Christmas stockings this year at a humbling £49.95 self assembly kit version, far undercutting Apples latest offer. The ZX-81 comes with a built in 1k of memory, enough to hold 1024 characters and large enough for most brief word processing requirements with the ability to expand to 16k in the future through the innovative RAM pack. It's full sized touch sensitive keyboard is so cutting edge and space age it makes touch screen technology look shoddy by comparison. Even better it comes with no software whatsoever so you have a completely blank canvas to work with. All ready we are receiving home grown software absolutely free for this new machine and I'm sure it won't be long before so called programmers come up with some killer apps, it's already rumoured that a calculator is on the horizon and arcade games such as Breakout in glorious black and white graphics has been announced.

Fully portable along with its own storage unit (not supplied, a C90 cassette and tape player is required) it has full hack proof security by having no access to the internet making its competitors security arrangements look shoddy by comparison. The display can utilise any television built before 1989 and as these can now be picked up for less than £5 even the display is a bargain during these difficult times.

As part of our celebrations for the launch of the ZX-81 we have included absolutely free a computer program that will give you hours of entertainment allowing you to type literally anything in to your ZX-81 for it to be gloriously displayed in a scrolling display of delight.

SUPER SCROLLER

10 INKEY$=A$

20 PRINT A$ + " ";

30 GOTO 20

Simply type in and then type RUN followed by return, experts may experiment with the code and remove the ';' from line 20 to give a pleasing column scroll effect.

NEWS

Apple have announced the latest addition to their popular 'i' range, it's called the iTosser, basically it's an overpriced piece of kit that turns you into a tit. Shown above it comes with a pair of shades and a tendency to over act in photos like you are having a good time. The guitar attachment comes separately and it ambitiously priced at £349 in the UK and only available from Apple stores providing you have booked an appointment with an iPenis, the iTosser specialist.

Commodore has taken the world by storm and bought out the first computer pet, called the Pet it removes the need for a furry four legged companion with a penchant to soil the floor and replaced it with an expandable unit that purrs, barks and even bytes!

GAMES

As graphics technology gets better every year we are now reaching the pinnacle of its technology with a almost photo realistic game from the makers of Grand Theft Auto called 'Modern Life', a gritty game allowing you to experience real life outside your house in today's world.

Our reviewer couldn't get enough of this when he tried out the beta version. 'The graphics are unbelievable, when it told me to get off my arse and leave the room I though I would wet my pants. As I left the room the graphics suddenly came alive, there was even a section where someone called 'my mum' asked me what I was doing out of my hole and isn't it time you got yourself a job. Amazing 9/10 nearly as good as Zelda'

It was about then that I realised that I'm not an editor for a computer magazine or a geek addicted to online gaming, I'm a rabbit with a drinking problem.

Cool.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bunnyopolis - A Winters Tale

Bunnyopolis, home to Iona, Jura and Aaran our three continental giant rabbits gets its winter protection added now the days are getting shorter and colder. Basically frames of clear Perspex protect the run side whilst the low level heating is turned on in the living quarters.

They don't really like change though and prefer a routine, to clean out the run we had to move various toys around much to their disapproval. Here Jura is rather concerned that the wooden bridge is temporarily at a new eye level, something she tells us through her expression and a concerned leg nudge she gives us. Equally all three are very tactile and communicate best they can through the use of body stances, nudges and head pushing. If they want a stroke the will push their nose into the palm of your hand and push up, if you are perceived to ignore them you will get several hard nudges until you look down. Get in the way and a few paw punches will get you to move, if they are bored with a particular toy then that will be thrown about in your presence until changed.

Rabbits, like people, also have grumpy days. Yesterday after several days of rain we had a keeness to be left alone to do all the rabbity things they hadn't be able to do for a while, chewing, running, eating grass, so we humans had to take a back seat until they were rabbited out.

Best thing though with the shorter days is that we get chance to spend a lot more time with them indoors. They pretty much use us as climbing frames especially when home dried carrot and apple is available. The sensation of having a three foot long, 25lb rabbit balancing on your back is something to experience, Aaran in particular has a new habit of running at me and seeing how far he can run up my chest and face whenever I sit down. Nice as it is last night he reached my bald patch (it's not that hard to reach as it pretty much covers my whole head so from above I look like an egg wearing a fur lined skirt) which now has a nice red, difficult to explain scratch mark.

We have had our three fur kids for quite a while but still discover more and more about them everyday. Iona is slightly plumper, away with the fairies and quite often gets into trouble, two weeks ago we found her in the turn up of the curtain that stops draughts coming through the door. She has a habit of licking fabric only this time decided to nibble at the cotton which inevitably made a hole for her to explore. Her shear weight nearly bought the whole thing crashing down. Aaran is a little scaredy cat and delightfully simple and cuddly, he will sit for hours being stroked. Jura is boss bunny, always first on the scene and very quick to work things out, she also worries a lot which she reveals through her typical continental giant eyes. A little V on her bottom means her five inch long tail can fit perfectly and she also uses her tail as an indicator when she turns a corner and can wag it like a dog.

So Bunnyopolis is ready for the winter, let's hope it's not as bad as they are predicting although there is one benefit...

Bunny Racetracks!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sensible Safety

Here at Bunnyfluffs Health & Safety Tufty Club Ltd I want to inform you of the potential hazards in your daily routine and help you avoid potential accidents and inconvenience.

Lets start with potty training, as an adult you may think you know everything about going to the loo la but did you know that 14,263 slipping seat accidents could have been avoided last year if people had been informed about the correct way to sit? The most important thing when making yourself comfortable is to make sure both feet touch the floor, sliding backwards or 'dunking the apples' as its known is a common mistake. Make sure that both feet touch the floor and remain vertical to your body, splaying at this stage will cause unnecessary pressure on your lower back whilst leaning forwards will cause you to tumble into a messy forward roll.

The are of course exceptions, if you have had a particularly heavy night you are of course allowed to assume the brace position using towel rails and toilet roll holders. In extreme cases the toilet brush can be used as an emergency crutch.

Toilet roll should be completely unwound to check for sharp corners before being rewound onto the spool. At night trap one end of the toilet roll in the lid of the toilet and return to your bed leaving behind a trail of toilet paper like the Andrex puppy. Pull this tight and tie it to your bed post, then if you have the urge to use the loo in the night simply straddle the paper and shuffle along keeping the paper between your legs to find the toilet in the dark without the need for pesky lights.

Always wash your hands, I personally wash my hands six times in a row, spin round three times, throw salt over my left shoulder and chant 'Now I have been, six times thrice I am clean'. A simple routine I'm sure you will find easy to incorporate, after all it's hygienic.

Carrots are the best food to eat, they are orange and you can eat the packaging. They will give you x-ray vision, they smell carroty and taste like carrots. Eating carrots is a great way to lose weight and maintain a healthy heart. Carrots taste like chocolate if chocolate tasted like carrot. Carrots make suitable substitutes for cigars and have less of the side effects, I have also been told they can be used for something else too but I seem to have forgotten what. Carrots are great. I love carrots. No really, I luuurve carrots. Gimme a carrot dammit. I'm being paid in carrots to write this lousy article, where are they?

I am not writing any more unless you give me a carrot.

Thankyou. I'll carry on... Munch,munch

What the hell is this? Whatever this is don't eat it, in fact don't even look at it. Look at it, it's hideous! Why is it all slimy and wet? Do you eat it raw?

Take it away, I'm disgusted. It's made my ears curl.

This is more like it. Knives cause more accidents in the kitchen than tins of beans. To avoid becoming a cropper learn to use your knives properly. Practice knife throwing in the kitchen, pretty soon you will be able to spear fruit from ten paces. Amaze visitors by pinning toast to the wall after it has been fired from a toaster. All this practice pays off and because of your new knife skills you will have less accidents, it really is that simple.

Running with scissors has always been frowned on but if you always carry a pair with you it soon becomes second nature. Here I am just about to take part in a marathon, notice I'm carrying my scissors, point out, so if I do fall I stab someone else instead.

When ascending any kind of staircase never, ever do it upright. The correct procedure is to bend down and slowly put your hand on the first step followed by one leg. Then slowly put the other hand on the step,and raise your second leg. Repeat until you reach the top and reverse the procedure to descend. If at work it is permissible for ladies to ascend and descend stairs in a sidesaddle way to avoid potential embarrassment. Simply sit on the step and keeping your legs together swing them up, repeat as necessary. If you need to carry anything up or down a staircase simply get an untrained colleague to do it for you. You never know you might get a comedy fall to laugh at.

Snow, a potential hazard, it is not recommended to stay out in it too long due to its freezing temperatures. To combat frost bite build all your snowmen indoors next to an open fire, not only will you be warm but the very next day your snowman will have miraculously tidied itself away.

Pricks. That's what you get from these very dangerous cacti, plants that have been known to hook small children and eat pets. Nasty things, if you see them run away before they fire their spikes at you.

This is called the Happy Truth Drink, I love this stuff, it's far safer than water and I recommend you consume the government guidelines of two litres a day to remain healthy and to cope with today's hectic lifestyle and pressures. I'm going to have a little drinky now, care to join me? I know it's early but somewhere in the world it's night time.

Wow, everything is like awesome. Did you know, did you know, did you know you are my best buddy. Hic!

Buuuurrpp! Pardon me garçon, that was a great kebab, put cheese on me chips and don't hold back on the vinegar. Cm'ere love, do you like rabbits? I've got a big car and stuff, let me show you my impression of an elephant using just my turned out pockets.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, what did I do last night. The only thing I can remember is running down the street naked shouting 'I'm the real Ken Dodd and here's my tickling stick, what a wonderful day for sticking a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting quick, the Martians have landed!'

Best thing to do to avoid any form of accidents is to stay in bed, yes, that's it, phone up work, phone up your school, phone a friend, tell them all you are not coming in today because of bed. I'm sure they will understand.

It is my duty to leave you with a handy poster to remind people of health and safety at work, print it out and pin it up in bathrooms, canteens and even in your own office.

Have a safe day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Snowpossimal

Having no children in which to share the snow with my inner child decided to pick up the challenge this morning from a collector who suggested that I put down my brushes and instead build a snowman, or in my case a Snowpossimal.

So returning back to my childhood I donned my big coat and put on my wooly gloves, slipped my stocking feet into my wellies and off I went. Unfortunately it left Jayne snow clearing but I'm sure she understood, Snowpossimals are serious business. With eight inches of snow to play with I had plenty of material but as soon as the rolling snow ball reached waist height I knew that was it. The sheer weight stopped me rolling any further and it came to rest beside the Bunnyopolis fence much to the dismay of Aaran, Jura and Iona.

So any neighbours looking out of their window at 8:30am this morning would have seen a slightly disturbed middle aged man giggling in the garden and occasionally stopping to stand and talk to himself Winnie The Pooh style rolling snow. It looked even worse when I rolled the head and added the ears, even to me it looked a little obscene.

Still, half an hour later and using a trowel and a small dibber I had somehow managed to carve myself a Snowpossimal and heart. Two small stones for the eyes completed the look and it now stands proudly looking into Bunnyopolis.

So, can you beat it? Send me your pictures on either twitter (#Impossimal), Facebook (Impossimal) or Instagram (Impossimal) and let the world see them!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Being Bunny

Hi, Jura here, we do get up to all sorts of fun at Bunnyopolis so I thought I would show you a few of the things we do to fill our day.

This is our hay bar, a swish little box full of good stuff to eat, you can mostly find Iona here, not that I'm saying she is big or anything she just requires more bunny fuel than the rest of us or at least that's what she tells us.

Aaran however loves playing with string, I'm sure he thinks he is a cat. Sometimes he gets very demanding and will attention seek by throwing wooden toys and play carrots around Bunnyopolis until one of us licks his ears. Orange string is his favourite after he realised that if he nibbled the ones around the bale of straw it miraculously exploded allowing him to burrow a tunnel through it.

Sometimes we congregate on our set of steps, they are looking a bit battered though but they help keep our teeth nice and healthy.

Most of the time we just like to chill in a huddle, just inside the doorway is a favourite but we can also be found under the bench or on our bale of hay.

We leave our strangest behaviour to night time where we like to puzzle watchers of Bunnycam, lining up is kinda cool but we have been known form star shapes too!

So bye, bye from all at Bunnyopolis, I'm off to beg for a piece of dried carrot, you don't get this figure by any other means. Have a great day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals