Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Indiana Solo

Indiana Groans here, my rugged good looks is a hit with women, today I will let you into my secret, the secret that is the Mystical Corrupting Ruggedtash, a Green Tash Of Ruggedness and boyish good looks.

I was busy exploring the sacred Inca temple of Moustachazuma, a temple built to worship all things hairy, when I inadvertently triggered a trap and I was sent tumbling down a stubble slipway and into a pile of discarded trimmings. The fall was not intended to injure, I had found a secret entrance to the heart of the temple and was about to discover the greatest artefact I had ever found, the fabled Corrupting Ruggedtash. Whispered in conversations and written about in ancient texts it was a mystical item that granted the wearer rugged good looks. Being the explorer I am it was obvious I didn't need it but it needed to be safeguarded and put in a large crate to be forgotten along with that pesky ark thingy I found a few years ago. Nothing but bloody trouble was that, glad to see the back of it, just don't get me started about those cheap crystal skulls and that crap gimmicky cup I found next to that OAP knight.

So here I am about to see for the very first time the Ruggedtash, even I was amazed at what I found and believe me it takes a lot to impress me girls, even though you are impressed with my boyish rugged looks.

Behold, it even had its own inscribed case warning the holder of the potency of wearing this babe magnet. Waterproof too. It started to shake as my hand approached it, I assumed it couldn't cope with my awesomeness and sexy body. Suddenly it jumped up and attached itself to my face. I felt ruggedlicious.

Look how rugged it makes me, wow, I'd go for me. Hold on world I'm about to explode with so much manly ruggedness that there will be a babepocalypse.

See how it moves and transforms according to what I am thinking. This is the plumber come to fix your pipes if you know what I mean ladies, want to see my spanner? You know you do.

How can you resist the power of my ruggedness with these handlebars. Something to grip on to as you start to feel faint eh, ladies? Man I feel good, by the power of the tash I AM the original he-man.

Handsome overload, can you take any more girls? Magnum P.I. Tash and a mono brow, there is just too much of me and too little of you, I need to start a religion. Come worship Indiana, clothing optional, women only.

It doesn't get any more rugged than this, look into my eyes, I am what you are looking for, I am what everyone is looking for, a tash, tan and a fantastic body, you are powerless to resist, I even have a whip. I rule the world, you can't get better than me, I'm superman, I'm supermodel, I'm a god! All worship Indiana Groans!

Vader, I want that corrupting tash, forget that oversized planet you are building to take revenge on that princess, get it for me. Use your force powers to seize it from his grasping hands.

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, So be it, Tssshhh Kaaaah, Tssshhh Kaaaah...

I assume you dealt with Indiana Vader?

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, I dropped him off on the planet of the Wookies and stripped him of his tash and name, he is now called Han, a local name meaning freebooter of little or no value. We will not see him again. Tssshhhh Kaaaah, Tssshhhh Kaaaah.

Good. On with pursuing the princess using far superior technology, millions more troops and better weapons, what could possibly go wrong. Did you fix the smell in the lavatory block Vader?

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, it is fixed. I had them install an air conditioning port the size of a small proton missile, it may weaken the Death Star a little but nobody is going to notice that we have placed it at the end of a handy trench to make sure the smells escape. Tssshhhh Kaaaah.

Good. Do I look good Vader? Go on, you know I do. Damn, I feel rugged.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals