FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Terror Treasures Of The World (issue two)

Issue 2 of 250, Second Issue 50p with free Carrier Bag Of Craziness.

Normal Price £4.99

Welcome this stunning collection of antiquities and mysterious objects that aim to beguile and amaze you. In easy to collect parts over the next 250 weeks it will build up into a stunning library that will stun visitors with its stunning collection of the weird and wonderful.

Cortez Coat Of Goats

A young goat herder once had so much time on his hands and was tired of getting cold night after night that he decided to use his time wisely and create a coat from his herd. The coat took him many months to make and was made from the hair of a thousand different goats, each hair individually plucked. Unbeknownst to the young Cortez was that one of the goats in his herd was no other than the Goat Of Destiny, a goat that looks after the well being of goats worldwide.

The Goat Of Destiny had watched the young goat herder night after night as he very carefully asked each goat if he could take three hairs and skillfully plucked them causing no harm. The Goat Of Destiny was impressed, this young goat herder really cared for his charges so decided to offer his own hair as part of the coat and to bestow a special power to the finished clothing.

Once the coat was finished it was tried on for size, immediately Cortez noticed a change, all the goats suddenly paid attention to him as if they were waiting on his every move. He walked to the left they all side stepped left, he walked right they all went right, the coat bestowed the power of remotegoating, the ability to control a goat without causing giddiness or distress. The goats quite simply thought he was a god.

Unfortunately Cortez whilst marching three hundred goats down a mountain slipped and fell, his coat snagged on a tree and was torn off. Three hundred goats suddenly became giddily overwhelmed and in their exuberance delightfully trampled him to death and ate his hat.

Copies of this infamous coat can be found in many thrift shops up and down the country, all have the same peculiar smell, a feint odour of the great outdoors and a heavy dose of a smell resembling a herd of gnus but only one will give you the power of remotegoating, will you find it?

P.S. Avoid the ones smelling of wee, they may be the Coat Of Splishsplashiness an item that grants the wearer lavish uncontrollable urination skills that have been likend to controlling a loose hosepipe.

Tourette's Kettle

In 1946 Fred Brittle of Urmskirk found a battered old copper kettle in the rubble of a bombed out Anderson shelter. It's spout had been bent a little but remarkably it had survived the Luftwaffe. He took it home, gave it a polish and showed his find to his wife Myrtle. Feeling thirsty they decided to try it out and filled it up and placed it on the coal fired hob. As it began to boil Fred heard his name called from the kitchen but as he entered there was no one there. Turning around he started to walk back to the lounge when he distinctly heard his name called again only this time more aggressively.

'Fred yer flicker!'

Again, the kitchen was empty apart from the bubbling kettle which now seemed to be making a weird spluttering noise. Fred listened to the kettle. 'Hobknob nuts sack breasticular mooning orbs nipply erect' it seemed to be steamily saying. As the kettle reached boiling point the noise got louder and the profanities emitting from its filthy spout became far, far worse. Then it began insulting Myrtle with a torrent of potty mouth filth that turned the air blue and had neighbours banging on the walls.

Myrtle shouted from the lounge. 'Fred! That's disgusting, I do not @£&? like a @&!£ you foul mouthed £&@&-//(. The kettle had claimed its first victim after Myrtle filed for divorce on the grounds of her husband was unable to control his mouth when he boiled the kettle. His defence was undermined when he tried to recreate the noise by boiling the kettle in front of the lawyers, unfortunately the small camp stove could not generate enough heat to boil and all that could be heard was a long protracted hiss that sounded like 'aaaaarrrssse'

The kettle was again thrown away and disappears from history although there is a rumour that the Duke Of Edinburgh will have his tea made from nothing other than the kettle which he found whilst scavenging through a skip in Mayfair sometime during 1953. It is also rumoured to have even taught him some of the language he has used in his many colourful episodes and the Queen occasionally uses it to entertain guests at her lavish meals by using it to recreate the language of the guttersnipes she has to address each and every Christmas.

The Phone That Dialled Hell

Little did Marty Bottal know that his life would turn upside down the moment he purchased a retro trim phone from an antique shop that he was about to be plunged into a nightmare. Looking for the right look for his new apartment the trim phone suited his quirky outlook on life, a mixture of old and new with a few classic design items to turn a blank space into his own. He unplugged his BT359 and plugged in his trendy trim phone, it looked just the ticket.

The first time he used his new phone he dialled for a pizza only to be connected to a sinister voice announcing 'Welcome to hell, stay a while, stay forever!' followed by the sound of splashing and maniacal laughing that sounded like souls trapped in throws of purgatory. Marty slammed down the phone quaking with fear. Over the course of the next few days Marty tried again and again to phone out but was always treated with the same message and the sound of tortured souls.

Plugging in his old phone everything returned to normal but plug back in the trim phone and the direct link to hell reconnected. He became obsessed listening to the voice but was unable to continue listening after the screams, eventually it drove him insane and he was taken away babbling about hell and damnation and has not been seen since. His property and contents were sold by auction a year later to a ex BT engineer who had heard the rumours about the phone.

On his first night with the phone he cautiously plugged it in and dialled a number. 'Welcome to hell' said the sinister voice, 'stay a while, stay forever!' He was unshaken, it was exactly what he expected and carried on listening to the gurgles, splashes, screams whilst quietly chuckling to himself only he didn't put the phone down after this, he continued to listen.

'Hull's new water park opens in the Summer of 1998, the laughter and splashes will fill you with shrieks of delight' carried on the recording, a recording he now identified as a prerecorded advertisement for Hull's Water Sensations embedded in a phone that used to sit in the tourist information office for visitors to pickup and listen to.

Although the 'Hull' had mysteriously changed to 'Hell' on the recording it was later put down to a Freudian slip by the narrator who had endured horrendous family holidays on the east coast.

P.S. There was a piece on BBC News today that claimed creatives and people who write off the wall things may actually be mentally ill, I would like to assure readers of this blog that indeed I am mentally ill and you should have no further worries regarding my authenticity in being mentally unstable.

Issue Three out sometime never.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Last Off The Bus

Always be the last off the bus, remember that, it has served me well.

Many years ago when I left school and started work I used to walk a lot. I walked to work, I walked to town during dinner breaks and walked home at night. These cars were a familiar sight on the roads, their history is an incredibly rich one and was a solution the government decided on to give mobility back to all the injured servicemen from World War II. They were meant for one and the inside resembled the handlebars of a motorbike stuffed in a telephone box, they cornered in a wide arc to stop rolling but could get up to some incredible speeds.

How do I know this? Well, I was unfortunate enough to be working with an individual that was not disabled but then again didn't have a driving licence only a motor bike licence hence he had one as a runabout. It never dawned on him as he pulled up along side me one Autumn morning that offering a lift was a little rash.

Still, with the stupidity of youth I climbed in. I say climbed in, it was more like playing sardines. I opened the door and look in disdain, five inches were left on the single seat, how on earth was I going to fit.

'Come on, I'll budge up.' and he did giving me the luxury of six inches to fit my amble bottom in. It was a squeeze, you know when you see stupid attempts at how many people you can fit in a telephone box well it was that, from outside it must have looked like a car full of badly dressed flesh for I was wearing cords and he had a brown suit on. Come to think of it there was a couple of other chaps in the office with weird cars, one of them attended big parties on family estates at the weekend but drove to work in a Russian car with two gears, cinema seats for extra comfort and used the handbrake as the main brake, I kid you not. He did upgrade it later to a Lada which had the luxury of indicators but stuck with the habit of signalling with his hands.

Anyway, if you were walking down that road around '84 you would have seen two blokes crammed in a small three wheeled metal box squashed up against the doors, faces inches from the windscreen, sorry if we startled you. Trundling away we approach our first problem, how to turn corners. It was too cramped for him to reach over properly without being sued to steer so he came up with the unique solution of us having our own side of the steering handlebars. Basically if we wanted to go left I pulled and breathed in if we wanted right he pulled and did the same a sort of driving rowing excercise. As you can see health, safety, Highway Code and any other law you would like to throw at it went out of the window.

It got more daring as we went faster, hit anything potholey and we bounced into the roof to compress our spines, took a corner rakishly and alley oop, two wheels bond style. Braking was fun, I just love pressing my face at 30mph against angled glass whilst the single front wheel ground into the carriage way leaving a waving squiggle of rubber behind us. So with that we swerved and wound our way down straight roads and bounced off the kerbs on curved ones. Parking was a pain, we had to get out and lift it when he wanted to reverse. I arrived to work five minutes faster but developed a fine streak of grey hair. The same day I went out with another guy in the office who drove at high speed everywhere and braked Sweeny style, I had all on stopping him shouting 'Shut it, you slag!' At every opportunity. Yes, he had a potty mouth too. Anyway he Sweenied to a halt a little too quickly and a car thudded in to the back of ours turning my neck into a rubber band. This was days before whiplash injuries so I just wore stiff polo necks for the next six months. Climbing out of the car Mr Potty Mouth had a field day, I just curled up in the footwell and wept.

It's shortly after this that I decided to get my own transport and bought myself a push bike. I was knocked off weeks later when a disqalified motorist didn't see me but decided I needed to perform a forward somersault over his bonnet. He drove off leaving me and my bent bike in a bleeding muddled mess, I had a bang to the head but I'm alright sausages and trifle.

Looking back it was quite an lively few months in '84, a vintage year for transport related failures. I eventually gave in and started to get the bus, I must be one of the only people to witness a horror hurl. Riding upstairs was always exciting but sit at the back on the top deck sometime near Christmas when you have had rather a lot to drink and you get bounced about an awful lot, gradually you feel like a shaken pop bottle and something's got to give. Fortunately for me I was not that person, I was sat a few seats ahead but was well aware of the grunts and groans emitting from behind.

My stop came up and I rose, so did the bouncy groaner from the back seat, my spider sense tingled and I paused just long enough for him to stumble by. I didn't fancy him falling on me as he climbed down the narrow stairs. There were quite a number of people getting off so the queue was building from below and about three people were on the stairs when he reached the top and let it all go.

It sounded like somebody had dropped a soggy blamange. Lets just say that I never want to pick my way down that staircase ever again, it was like the ill persons version of the Tunnel Of Love. Dark, slippy with a smell that curled your toes. How they got it out of their hair, clothes and carrier bags I'll never know. Hope they had plenty of sand on board because as I strode away I heard a chorus of synchronised sympathy hurling. Merry Christmas indeed.

And that is why I will always be the last off the bus.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Arthur Mullards Used Donkey

CLASSIFIEDS

1987 Large Donkey

1040cc, one lady owner, good runner, full service history £4995 ono.

1998 Giraffe Convertible

Nice little family giraffe comes complete with fitted high seat, excellent full pattern bodywork £5995

1975 Vintage Gnu

Low mileage, twin horns, immaculate condition and reliable, easy to park. £3995

FOR SALE

Two large marrows, ideal for phallic vegetable arranging or just to impress girls. Optional melons available whilst stocks last. £10 the pair, will split for hairy coconuts.

Wolf proof house of straw construction. Sale due to relocation to a house of wood, contact Three Little Pigs on 0726-Blowmyhousedown. £25

Tombola ticket, face value 10p but willing to sell this potential winner for £1, prizes include tins of beans, odd socks and a packet of Polo's. You could be a winner! Ticket holder must be willing to travel to St Stephens Church Hall on the day of the jumble sale.

Tiger Feet single by the band Mud, selling due to contractual problems. Contact Showaddywaddy sometime during the 70's

Cat Aerials, cunningly designed aerials to deter unwanted birds from landing, includes cat cot should you decide to upgrade to a real cat with our hydraulic lifting mechanism to place your cat securely in the cot.

BUSINESS

Plumber, Ideal to service your old boiler, as seen in sordid cinemas. Guaranteed to always be on the job. Clothing optional, does not include BDSMUYAR or FCGHIZ scenes.

Electrician, Experienced sparky still smouldering from the last job but capable of fitting light bulbs and plugging things in. Unfortunately the shakes make taking on large jobs like actually fitting a plug problematic but willing to flick switches etc on demand.

JOBS

Shandy Drinkers required for top shandy specialist, applicants must be fully converse with shandy etiquette. Possibility of Snakebite overtime. No Guinness drinkers please, we are still trying to get the toilet clean from last time. Contact Shady Handy Shandy today.

Earn £££ at home, learn to grow animal appendages on your own body. You can really have a trunk in your trousers. Real udders a speciality for all you ladies. Tail2trunk.com.uk

PERSONALS

Male, 40's, groomed, well built gentleman with old fashioned respectable values looking for that special lady's with big knockers who goes like the clappers. BOX 82

Male, 89, Goes like the clappers but has creases. Intrigued? Preferred age 20, will consider 21 if blond.

Male, 34, Has own push bike and bike clips, looking for first girlfriend after being scared off in the 90's when I realised it wasn't a hedgehog.

Male, kinky muscular giant, loaded, looking for cross dressing bodybuilding professional wrestler to socialise with a group of like minded friends. Nothing weird. Ring and leotards supplied (cleaned between bouts)

Female, 50, professional drinker, NSFW, OMG, LOL, interests include pubs, clubs, off license etc.

Female, 39, Good looking if a bit bingo around the edges but has excellent back doors and windows.

MISC

Magic Purse found at the bottom of Plumbton Lane, contents include £2 in change, a pen, two lipsticks, a six foot ladder, boxing gloves, a Ford Mondeo and three dancing sheep. Contact 12712-121521-99

Would the person who caught the 12:05pm bus yesterday at the bus station please contact me. You were really ugly and I want to tell you in person.

Disused bag of chips and half a fish cake found left outside the chip shop, contact if you wish for them to be returned. If unclaimed in two days time they will be donated to charity.

Did anyone notice a horrible smell last night? I though it was the dog as he has some terrible farts but it wasn't. I wretched violently until nine'o'clock then I went to bed. If you can enlighten me contact 2666-526647-783

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Well I Never!

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Wonders Of Electricity

Electricity has been with us for a long time, from the first static sparks created rubbing two sticks together in 60,000BC to today's clean green electricity made from fans spinning to the gusts of flatulent cows. Today we explore electricity of the ancients and uncover the secrets of internal wiring before trumpeting cows were even invented.

Rome and the colosseum, home to the Roman spectacle of donkey shaving, an orgy of creativity as competitors try to out shave their opponents donkey, truly one of the seven wonders of the world. To shave donkeys safely they needed good lighting and that was provided using a triple spur mounted cable shuffler.

These shufflers enable the electricity being created by Nubian slaves on large treadmills to be transported from neighbouring Spain using cable made from reeds and the spit of the humble dung beetle. These cables ran for many miles finally meeting at the colosseum to provide not only lighting but the first ever two point shaving socket. So the next time you plug your shaver in spare a thought for the Romans and the humble donkey, without them you wouldn't know how to shave.

Slightly smaller than our magnificent Blackpool tower the 162ft Eyeful tower was erected in 1635, six years after the one in the northern resort. Originally intended to be the worlds biggest helter skelter a freak accident involving one of the spirals plunged a workman to his death as he sped around the tower at speeds reaching 264mph (that's 8726kmph in old money) until his coconut mat caught fire and his shoes combusted blasting him twenty two miles only to land in a smouldering heap through the window of a bakery in Calais. He declared the ride 'grand' before expiring on a pile of cream horns.

Anyway, this is the massive junction box that powered the tower in 1704. Rumour has it that when the switch was thrown the static burst was so big that Parisians hair stood on end for three months. The junction box was used to power a small electric light at the top of the Eyeful Tower that was visible to aeroplanes, great foresight as aeroplanes were still 200 years into the future.

Possibly the most complex wiring job ever taken on was Stonehenge, or as it used to be known No.6 Salisbury Way, Camelot, England. The first ever domestic two up, two down house that today looks a shambles. Archeologists differ on their opinions of why Stonehenge exists but really the answer is quite simple after scientists deciphered strange markings on the side of one of the stones.

This is the markings, the first ever wiring diagram for a domestic setting, proof indeed that ancient man was way ahead of its time. Electricians have studied this diagram and came to the conclusion that the ancient sparky go his sums wrong and sent a full 20v to the hallway and 240v to the kitchen where a new gas pipe was being laid. The resulting explosion destroyed everything around it for miles leaving only what we see today. A stone slab found in Wales from the explosion had the words 'Shi' etched on it, possibly the last words our ancient electrician ever scratched.

By the miracle of modern science our very own Battersea power station opened in 1902. Powered by a thousand dogs on treadmills trying to catch a dancing bone it remained in full use until 1944 when it was bombed heavily during the war. After WWII it was replaced with a more sustainable cat and ball of wool system although that tended to randomly do what it wanted and occasionally plunged everyone into darkness if anybody left a cardboard box around.

Inside was a simple system to feed our need for electricity, three cables, one for earth that is placed in the ground, on called neutral that was left loose for cats to bat and one live that carried the cat bats energy generated directly to kitchens up and down the country.

Finally the secrets of the Pharaohs, a four point pin socket that reveals that it was not all about Sirius, Nubius, Dubious and Mummies. During excavations of Tutankhamen's chamber they found a curious item resembling scissors. It turned out to be curling tongs and when out together with an unusual shaped gap in the centre of the pyramid it was revealed for the first time that the great pyramid was in fact an ancient beauty salon specialising in the curling of hair.

You can see here that the socket found fits perfectly with all four corners of the pyramid and also helped design the look for Toblerone.

A set of hieroglyphic markings on one of the internal chamber turned out to be a price list with bikini lines costing a jar of asses milk whilst a short back and sides was a whopping bushel of corn. Amazing stuff I'm sure you will agree.

I hope you have enjoyed your travel through time, tomorrow we will discuss Facebook through the centuries and the founding of Twitter in 0BC with the very first tweet 'no @mary I'm not following a bloody star to Bethlehem it's Christmas #leaveittothethreekings'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Nosmo King

Being a gorilla you wouldn't have thought I would have to put up with this rubbish. Only today I opened Bananas Weekly, the magazine for discerning banana collectors only to have six leaflets drop out on to my hairy lap. It drives me bananas, I already get enough crap through the bars of my cage, last week I had three takeaway menus, one offering cleaning services, two charity bags and an Avon brochure, although that did come in handy and the lipstick I have bought looks stunning.

As the leaflets dropped I reflected on my life, here I am in my mid forties and already advertising is tormenting me to consider a future chipping in for my funeral arrangements at 14p a day, fashion essentials up to sizes 34 that don't take into account how gorillas walk and 2p electronic tickets so I can play Bingo with my laptop sat in a tree. Really, is that all there is to look forward to? No, hang on, there's two more leaflets, 'Shower and bathe in comfort and safety again', I didn't even realise it had got dangerous and no, I do not want to buy a charm bracelet strictly limited to 4,995 worldwide that comes in 27 parts at £24.99 a month for four months no matter how luxurious or radiant it is.

I noticed the new classifieds section at the back of Bananas Weekly has been hijacked too. 'Remove facial hair instantly', bitch, please! 'Win this luxury riser recliner', I'm sure it works perfectly well and gives aid to those that need it but the damn thing looks a little too lethal to me and I'd imagine I'd get my coconuts trapped in the gaps as it started to tip. Half price cotton sandals that are apparently 'rugged' its a wonder they didn't add all terrain but they are described as 'a treat'.

See if you can guess what uses these descriptions, 'you can upgrade', 'converts in seconds', '40% more powerful' and finally 'fast and manoeuvrable', I nearly fell out of my tree, it sounded awesome, as I wrote out my cheque using my Parker pen and squinting through my reading glasses I realised with some degree of disappointment it was in fact a 2 in 1 vacuum cleaner and not a sports car.

Putting down my magazine I notice the hyenas are laughing for some reason. I swung over to see what was so funny only to find this unamusing sign.

Really, life just gets worse doesn't it. Not content with bombarding me with rubbish now they want to tell me what to do. Well, bitch, please! I do what I want.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Towering Infertilizer

'The pigs under the quilt again Mabel, you know what a mess he made last time, no amount of Daz is going to shift that stain.'

Mabel and Stan had decided to give up the rat race and try some of the good life. Being self sufficient in a council flat ten stories up does present it's own hilarious problems for our happy couple...

'I'm just going to muck the chickens out Mabel, the bathroom is starting to honk a little, although that may be down to the horse manure in the bathtub. Have you seen the shovel?'

'It's in the hallway, next to the horse, I left it there after digging over the veg patch behind the settee. I'm having all on with the goat, it's only gone and ate the shower curtain, rings and all.'

DING DONG

'Don't worry, I'll get it Mabel, it's probably the rotivator I ordered, that lounge carpet needs turning before I put the fertiliser down'

Click, Stan opens the door.

'Oh, hello, what can I do for you neighbour?'

'Can you keep the noise down mate, I hearing some strange things from you at all hours of the day, what are you doing in there?'

'Ah, sorry about that, it's the sheep you see.'

'Sheep? You have sheep?'

'Yes, we make our own cheese, they have been a bit noisy I admit, it's all down to the goat teasing them.'

'You have a goat too? Really?'

'They live in the bedroom, they shouldn't make much more noise though we moved them in with the pigs.'

'Unbelievable, you should be reported, the noise is appalling, the smell is quite frankly offensive. My tiger has started to pace the lounge and that is never good.'

'You have a tiger?'

'Yes, it lives in the lounge to keep it away from the zebra in the bedroom and that's only in there because the bathroom is full of gazelles. Anyway, I hope you are not getting as bad as Roger in number 67, I had to tell him to keep the noise down last week, it was getting too much.'

'Why, what was Roger doing, he's normally quite quiet.'

'It's that bloody Walrus of his, ever since he converted his lounge into a twenty foot pool we have heard nothing but splashing and as for the penguins that keep running around the landing it's getting annoying. I'm told he's getting a dolphin delivered this week so looks like we are going to be treated to endless clicking.'

'Well, I'll try and keep the noise down a bit, fancy Roger having a walrus, a bit weird isn't it?'

'That isn't the half of it, you know what number 73 has on the floor above?'

'No?'

'Haven't you noticed the cracks in your roof and the loud roars late at night, or notice glasses of water to suddenly tremor?'

'Well, maybe, I just thought it was to do with the bonfire I had last week drying the ceiling out a little too much.'

'Well he's only gone and put a Jurrasic Park in his hallway, you can't bloody shift for Tyrannasaurus Rex's and Pterodactyls. I told the council about it but they said they didn't have any procedures to deal with prehistoric creatures in council flats unless it was a neglect case, even then they only have nets capable of catching a small dog. Bloody useless. Only last week Mrs Bundle was mugged by a Raptor, the whole things got out of hand if you ask me.'

'Oh, I didn't know that.'

'Anyway mate, I have just heard my elephant call, he loves his sugar lumps. Just keep the noise down a little eh?'

'No problem.'

Click, the door shuts.

'Mabel, unbelievable, you will never guess what I have just found out!!'

'What's that Stan?'

'Elephants like sugar lumps, who'd have thought it.'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sweary Mary

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Secret Art Of Cricket Fighting

Martial arts have been around for quite a while and are considered old hat I today's society, a new craze sweeping the nation is cricket, this combined with our need for unnecessary violence in our lives have led to Cricket Club, the secret society of Cricket Fighting. It only has one rule, LBW but that doesn't apply here.

We will skip weaponry, I'm sure you can already make a pair of makeshift nunchucks from a couple of wickets so we will get straight into the secret methods with 'How To Start And Win A Fight'

First choose you opponent, this can be done anywhere or anytime and some Cricket Fighters may find it easier after a drink. Take the stance shown above called 'The Challenge', then shout 'Oi, mate, you look at my pint?' or the more eloquent 'Lookin' at me or chewing a brick caus' either way yer lose yer teeth.'

Before they can answer pull the 'Tight Taunt' pose and shout 'Fink yer 'ard enough do ya?'. Notice how the right hand is already fist shaped.

Do not wait for a reply to your taunt, instead skip your legs into this position for the 'Stumper' and launch a devastating punch using the full force of your upper body. Aim for the jaw and shout 'Take that!' as you connect. Step back place your hand on your chin as if you are stroking a beard and laugh whilst nodding.

If your opponent fails to get up then skip to the last picture, if by any chance the old boy gets back up then you need to put the next stage into action.

'The Clouter' is a simple move to learn, take hold of your cricket batten that you carry always in your back pocket and raise it over your right shoulder as shown and say 'Want sum of this do ya? I'm gunna bat your balls over your shoulders'. Take one step forward.

And thwack! Twist your body in one lightening movement and concentrate your full force on the end of the bat with a scream of anger. Aim the blow between your opponents legs and watch them fly until they snap back as if they are on elastic. Occasionally they may detach but this can be considered a six, well played.

With your opponent defeated all the remains is the 'Scoop'. Frisk them down and remove any items of value to compensate for your insult. Return back to the club house and add a perfect century to your score. Occasionally you will accidentally challenge a fellow Cricket Fighter, this can be considered being 'Caught Out' and you should both shake hands before beating each other to a pulp. The winner in this case is the one to keep their teeth.

Cricket fighting is a dangerous art and should only be practiced by trained professionals or people familiar with Golf Grappling, the secret art of wrestling on the golf course.

Visit our website for more details www.cricketfighterswwfhulkbigdaddyultimatewarrior.ouch.that.hurt.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Twenty Things You Never Knew About Pies

1. Pies are more popular than horses. Last year a staggering 9,726,263,163 pies were consumed, that's an amazing 173.68 pies per person whilst horses accounted for only 3,000,000 burgers.

2. The largest man made pie was the Piepockalypse, a whopping 45,000lb chicken pie created by master bakers R.U.Fatt Ltd in 1983. It remained in the British Museum's pie exhibition until last year when it was part of the Jubilee celebrations when it became the first ever Pieboat in the Jubilee flotilla. It sank shortly after launch when it was discovered that its lard and flour casing had sprung a leak, pieces of pastry still litter the banks of the Thames till this very day.

3. The expression 'Easy As Pie' does not mean pie's are easy it actually means something is easy to do, just like pies.

4. 'A Piece of Cake' means the same although its about cakes not pies and never mentions that cakes are easy too.

5. Never ask a mathematician to slice a pie, you will be there all day. The first slice will be fine but the rest will be cut to 23,363 decimal places and take several days to complete all the cuts.

6. That is because a mathematician will think a pie is actually Pi which is a character from Midsummers Night Dream or something, I don't know, I only know about pies don't ask me to be academic.

7. If a gangsta wants to 'Pop Your Pie' you had better run, especially if you are in the jail shower at the time.

8. Pies containing fruit are called fruit pies and are not very good served with chips.

9. Use gravy instead, it helps bring out the flavour of the fruit.

10. A fisherman's pie contains real fishermen trawled from the seabed using large nets whilst a supermarket fish pie contains 2lbs of potato, a small chopped carrot and a prawn.

11. The first pie shop was opened in 1066 after the battle of Hastings. A war over who got the rights to the name 'Ye Olde Pie Shop' was resolved when it got out of hand and somebodies eye got poked out. A pie can still be seen in the Bayeux Tapestry, panel seven, top left, just under the iPod.

12. A pizza is a pie just don't expect steak and kidney to be on your local Pizza House menu, that's because in Italian 'pie' means 'windy bottom' so they changed it to pizza instead but kept the round shape and removed the lid.

13. A custard pie is a pie containing custard whilst a fruit pie contains fruit with a possibility of custard and a meat pie contains meat but no custard, handy to know if you don't like custard.

14. If you want a nice pie M&S will probably do one, pop down and check them out.

15. Or try your local supermarket or small shop.

16. Don't try the hairdressers, unless you want to be embarrassed by asking for a pie that is hairy.

17. 'Shut Your Pie Hole' means just that, any hole you have created for storing pies needs to be filled in as its no longer required.

18. When Tutankhamen's tomb was opened in 1998 they found amongst all the treasure an ancient pie made from giraffe and slaves. Etched in the intricate pastry work was the hieroglyphic inscription 'On swift wings death will arrive after a bite or a munch on this'. Sir Albert Tacklock dismissed the inscription and ate a bit of burnt crust, he died immediately after a long illness several years later on his 106th birthday.

19. By 2015 Greggs is expecting to open its first ever pie shop in space - on the moon! The international space station already has a concession shop on board with pies for sale at a whopping £234,253 each!

20. A lot of pies are named after their place of origin, Cottage Pie comes from Cottage, a small house shaped like a pie, Pork Pie comes from Pork, a small village in Yorkshire whilst Pasty describes somebody who is looking off colour.

21. Using pies to count up to twenty doesn't work very well.

22. Arithbitematics - If you want to count using a pie simply take a bite for each number, if you ever get stuck simply count the number of bites you have taken to know where you are.

23. Multiple pies can be used for advanced Arithbitematics.

24. A Pork Pie can be used in formal situations as a smart hat. Simply remove the lid and eat the contents. Turn it upside down an place it at a jaunty angle to look pie-tastic at weddings, funerals etc. Use miniature pork pies for added amusement factor.

25. 95% of people reading this will have at some point eaten a pie, or horse depending on which shop you went to.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Loose Moose Fat Fighting Sooper Shoos

Right all you festive fun loving people, it's nearly the new year so I, the fitness moose will help you all to shed those extra few pounds you have put on over the holidays with my new product the Loose Moose Flab Fighting Sooper Shoos. Specially adapted footwear will enable you to do your normal tasks whilst burning away those extra calories.

Each Shoo has been tested for ultimate comfort and fitted with a patented tilting system causing you to correct your balance every step. It's these balance corrections that will cause your muscles to work overtime and shed calories as fast as you eat them. Results may vary as will the associated injuries from using these footwear incorrectly. For your chance to own this cutting edge fitness technology simply cut out this coupon and mail it to P.O.Box 62737262513.1 and pay no money now.

BONUS!

As part of our introductory Shoo offer you will also get our Food Fitness program of which you can find excerpts from below. Eat yourself to a better body with our scientifically proven system guaranteed to change your body shape. N.B. Results may vary and may not be what you expect.

Banana Bends

Who would have thought a simple banana would help you lose weight? Using just your hands pick up two bananas one in each hand as illustrated above. Using only your teeth try to peel each banana until the fleshy bits are exposed. This should take you a few minutes, feel free to gag as much as you like as the pithy stuff gets stuck in your clack. Once both are peeled eat them both at the same time by bringing your arms together in a arcing movement and force them into your mouth. Chew each piece twice, the object is to eat them both in less than ten seconds. Congratulations you have now started to lose weight.

How Does It Work?

It seems like magic but actually its based on sound principles, you had to hold a banana in each hand forcing you to use your teeth, this extra jaw motion burnt two calories whilst the gagging out of disgust burnt another one calorie. This combined with force feeding yourself made your jaws move faster and your heart rate increase as you found it difficult to breath. We all know an increased heart rate burns fat so the rest is simple fitness science, jaw movement + gagging + heart rate increase = fat burning! N.B. not suitable for monkeys and apes as they tend to cheat or indeed homosapiens of any age. Always follow the guidelines and don't replace bananas with marrows as injury could occur.

Remember, keep hydrated at all times, wine makes a good isotonic drink and should be consumed freely during Foodercise as its good for your heart or something.

Healthy Cookie Fat Reducing Smoothie

Take one pack of cookies and place them in a small tub.

Keep hydrated, drink a little more then carry on.

Add one full tube of low fat mayonnaise, this is important as it helps break down the fatty cookies.

Keep hydrated, it's really important!

Next, add to the cookie and mayonnaise a whole twelve pack of low fat crisps, this adds an extra 'crunch' to to your new power food. Shake it all around until the contents are entirely covered in mayonnaise. Get somebody to tie your hands behind your back and place the full tub on a sturdy table. Using only your mouth try to eat the entire contents of the tub safe in the knowledge that all the extra low fat content will offset the fatty cookies.

How Does It Work?

Because the crisps and mayonnaise are low fat they act as negative calories so you can easily offset any food be it cheese, pork scratchings or even chocolate by covering them in low fat mayonnaise and low fat crisps, it's a secret that food manufacturers have kept from us for years. We have added the extra excercising of eating without your hands to pimp up the negative calorie effects. After consuming your fat reducing smoothie it's perfectly normal to feel bloated and sick, it's all part of the fitness regime working with your body. For best results take the smoothie twice a day for six weeks, you will feel and look like a different person and people will comment. Probably.

The above is an excerpt from the multi award winning Foodercise - Eat More, Lose More, Gain More, Drink More, Grow More, Your Key To A New You, my free gift to you with each Sooper Shoo purchase, get yours today and start 2013 with a new Sooper Shoo You!!!

Ah, now I have got that out of my system I did notice this festive message on an advert over Christmas should you wish to borrow a few quid...

I'm really in the wrong business, anybody want a few quid to tie themselves over in the New Year? I have perfectly reasonable rates at only 277% APR. undercutting my competitors by £££ and I promise I won't kick down your door and empty your house if your default by as much as 1p. Probably.

I'll even throw in a Sooper Shoo, see, now your tempted!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals