The Wonders Of Electricity

Electricity has been with us for a long time, from the first static sparks created rubbing two sticks together in 60,000BC to today's clean green electricity made from fans spinning to the gusts of flatulent cows. Today we explore electricity of the ancients and uncover the secrets of internal wiring before trumpeting cows were even invented.

Rome and the colosseum, home to the Roman spectacle of donkey shaving, an orgy of creativity as competitors try to out shave their opponents donkey, truly one of the seven wonders of the world. To shave donkeys safely they needed good lighting and that was provided using a triple spur mounted cable shuffler.

These shufflers enable the electricity being created by Nubian slaves on large treadmills to be transported from neighbouring Spain using cable made from reeds and the spit of the humble dung beetle. These cables ran for many miles finally meeting at the colosseum to provide not only lighting but the first ever two point shaving socket. So the next time you plug your shaver in spare a thought for the Romans and the humble donkey, without them you wouldn't know how to shave.

Slightly smaller than our magnificent Blackpool tower the 162ft Eyeful tower was erected in 1635, six years after the one in the northern resort. Originally intended to be the worlds biggest helter skelter a freak accident involving one of the spirals plunged a workman to his death as he sped around the tower at speeds reaching 264mph (that's 8726kmph in old money) until his coconut mat caught fire and his shoes combusted blasting him twenty two miles only to land in a smouldering heap through the window of a bakery in Calais. He declared the ride 'grand' before expiring on a pile of cream horns.

Anyway, this is the massive junction box that powered the tower in 1704. Rumour has it that when the switch was thrown the static burst was so big that Parisians hair stood on end for three months. The junction box was used to power a small electric light at the top of the Eyeful Tower that was visible to aeroplanes, great foresight as aeroplanes were still 200 years into the future.

Possibly the most complex wiring job ever taken on was Stonehenge, or as it used to be known No.6 Salisbury Way, Camelot, England. The first ever domestic two up, two down house that today looks a shambles. Archeologists differ on their opinions of why Stonehenge exists but really the answer is quite simple after scientists deciphered strange markings on the side of one of the stones.

This is the markings, the first ever wiring diagram for a domestic setting, proof indeed that ancient man was way ahead of its time. Electricians have studied this diagram and came to the conclusion that the ancient sparky go his sums wrong and sent a full 20v to the hallway and 240v to the kitchen where a new gas pipe was being laid. The resulting explosion destroyed everything around it for miles leaving only what we see today. A stone slab found in Wales from the explosion had the words 'Shi' etched on it, possibly the last words our ancient electrician ever scratched.

By the miracle of modern science our very own Battersea power station opened in 1902. Powered by a thousand dogs on treadmills trying to catch a dancing bone it remained in full use until 1944 when it was bombed heavily during the war. After WWII it was replaced with a more sustainable cat and ball of wool system although that tended to randomly do what it wanted and occasionally plunged everyone into darkness if anybody left a cardboard box around.

Inside was a simple system to feed our need for electricity, three cables, one for earth that is placed in the ground, on called neutral that was left loose for cats to bat and one live that carried the cat bats energy generated directly to kitchens up and down the country.

Finally the secrets of the Pharaohs, a four point pin socket that reveals that it was not all about Sirius, Nubius, Dubious and Mummies. During excavations of Tutankhamen's chamber they found a curious item resembling scissors. It turned out to be curling tongs and when out together with an unusual shaped gap in the centre of the pyramid it was revealed for the first time that the great pyramid was in fact an ancient beauty salon specialising in the curling of hair.

You can see here that the socket found fits perfectly with all four corners of the pyramid and also helped design the look for Toblerone.

A set of hieroglyphic markings on one of the internal chamber turned out to be a price list with bikini lines costing a jar of asses milk whilst a short back and sides was a whopping bushel of corn. Amazing stuff I'm sure you will agree.

I hope you have enjoyed your travel through time, tomorrow we will discuss Facebook through the centuries and the founding of Twitter in 0BC with the very first tweet 'no @mary I'm not following a bloody star to Bethlehem it's Christmas #leaveittothethreekings'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

J.Okes

This made me laugh a lot this morning, I found it on the back of a very old joke book and before you add it, yes I know, all my jokes are old. It's an advert for taking exercise. As the blurb says "Don't kid yourself any longer, you're not proud of your body...the only attention you get is ridicule and abuse...other fellows walk off with the prettiest girls and the best jobs...it works for weak men, fat and skinny men- men like you who had all but given up" Gee, thanks for that pep talk, I had a complex about it before and now you have just made me want to curl up in a ball and sob. Not quite sure if our advert model is looking at the scantly clad female or at the contents of his budgie smugglers, either way its unnerving me. Anyway, old Charles Atlas and his dynamic tensioning is still going strong so it must be good which brings me on to part of today's blog, deep fried Mars bars and the strange case of a disclaimer issued to the creator of said fried bar announcing that Mars does not approve or condone deep fried Mars bars as it goes against their principles of promoting a healthy active lifestyle.

So instead I have decided to come up with a healthy Mars Atlas Fried diet lifestyle that will help you increase your muscle tone, fry food and eat a Mars bar whilst burning off those calories. For this you will need a washing machine, a deep fat fryer, two carrier bags of sand, a building brick and twenty four Mars bars. Stop being a slob, just look in the mirror you scarecrow, nows the time to become superhuman with the new Mars Atlas Fried Diet System, it's so not a diet it's just like eating real food on an electrical appliance.

Step one - warm your deep fat fryer up an place it next to your washing machine along with the Mars bars.

Step two - remove all your clothes for maximum wobble and put each arm through the carrier bag handle and let it rest on your wrists. You will already notice that everything takes a lot more effort due to the 24lbs of sand in the bags, that is good, it means it's working and you are well on your way to shedding fat and building muscle.

Step three - place the brick in the washing machine and sit on it. Set it to the fastest spin and hang on, the brick will throw off the centre point of your washing machine and your body will compensate by wobbling violently. Occasionally the washing machine will move with you on it, if you pass a window during this phase don't be afraid to wave to neighbours.

Step four - unwrap a Mars bar and dip in batter (forgot to tell you that bit but it's easily prepared whilst on the washing machine, just don't get any sand in it from the swaying bags on your arms). Carefully deep fry the Mars bar, this is the dangerous bit as occasionally Mars bars can be underdone so make sure you cook it well at temperatures approaching molten lava.

Step five - Eat Mars bar. Essentially all that swaying, jigging, wobbling that you have hardly noticed has burnt off 1000's of calories so go ahead stuff your self silly with deep fried confectionary until the spin cycle stops, that's you cue that the diet has worked. You will step off the washing machine feeling like a new person. Walk out side and punch something with your new sledgehammer fists and surging power fuelled rippling muscles.

NB Effects differ for different body shapes and ages, please consult a doctor, a vet and a chiropodist before starting this new regime, oh, and inform your fire brigade you are about to try stunt frying and they should be ready for any accidents. Also inform your local accident unit to be on standby to cope with broken limbs, possible burns and baby oil for your new rippling hulk of a body.

Any way, before I go I must show you this in the same book, it's a classic joke advertisement, these things were cool but ultimately you realised you were going to be a tad disappointed when your £1.20 giant skeleton was I fact made of cardboard, I'm still bemused why the advert says it would be good fun in the bedroom.

The reason this is in today's blog is my one vivid memory of using Exploding Cigarette Whiz Bangs, basically small triangular bits of card impregnated with gunpowder. These were billed as 'After a few puffs - bang! - and watch them jump'. What it didn't say was if your eight and you put one in your Granadads cigarette you had better be prepared to run like hell.

It was easy, he was out of the room so I opened his packet and placed one in the end of a cigarette and returned it to the packet, like a bit of cigarette based russian roulette I thought he would find it amusing and we would all laugh and say what a fantastic jape it was. Reality bit as he raised the cigarette to his lips and struck a match.

BOOM!!!!! Shake the room!

Not only did the thing explode with one blinding flash of light showering the room with tobacco but it blew the match into his lap and was starting its own bush fire as I watched. Apparently I had not stuck it in enough, the force of the explosion reduced his brand new cigarette to just the filter and set fire to his eyebrows. A small mushroom cloud rose above his head and a soot like deposit covered his hands. To say he looked surprised was an understatement, if you can imagine Wile-e Coyote after a stick of dynamite he was holding had exploded you are half way there.

I ran.

Still, I never learned when a few months later I tried a similar trick only this time with a new item The North Pole Blizzard, needless to say, no one was amused.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal