The Wonders Of Electricity

Electricity has been with us for a long time, from the first static sparks created rubbing two sticks together in 60,000BC to today's clean green electricity made from fans spinning to the gusts of flatulent cows. Today we explore electricity of the ancients and uncover the secrets of internal wiring before trumpeting cows were even invented.

Rome and the colosseum, home to the Roman spectacle of donkey shaving, an orgy of creativity as competitors try to out shave their opponents donkey, truly one of the seven wonders of the world. To shave donkeys safely they needed good lighting and that was provided using a triple spur mounted cable shuffler.

These shufflers enable the electricity being created by Nubian slaves on large treadmills to be transported from neighbouring Spain using cable made from reeds and the spit of the humble dung beetle. These cables ran for many miles finally meeting at the colosseum to provide not only lighting but the first ever two point shaving socket. So the next time you plug your shaver in spare a thought for the Romans and the humble donkey, without them you wouldn't know how to shave.

Slightly smaller than our magnificent Blackpool tower the 162ft Eyeful tower was erected in 1635, six years after the one in the northern resort. Originally intended to be the worlds biggest helter skelter a freak accident involving one of the spirals plunged a workman to his death as he sped around the tower at speeds reaching 264mph (that's 8726kmph in old money) until his coconut mat caught fire and his shoes combusted blasting him twenty two miles only to land in a smouldering heap through the window of a bakery in Calais. He declared the ride 'grand' before expiring on a pile of cream horns.

Anyway, this is the massive junction box that powered the tower in 1704. Rumour has it that when the switch was thrown the static burst was so big that Parisians hair stood on end for three months. The junction box was used to power a small electric light at the top of the Eyeful Tower that was visible to aeroplanes, great foresight as aeroplanes were still 200 years into the future.

Possibly the most complex wiring job ever taken on was Stonehenge, or as it used to be known No.6 Salisbury Way, Camelot, England. The first ever domestic two up, two down house that today looks a shambles. Archeologists differ on their opinions of why Stonehenge exists but really the answer is quite simple after scientists deciphered strange markings on the side of one of the stones.

This is the markings, the first ever wiring diagram for a domestic setting, proof indeed that ancient man was way ahead of its time. Electricians have studied this diagram and came to the conclusion that the ancient sparky go his sums wrong and sent a full 20v to the hallway and 240v to the kitchen where a new gas pipe was being laid. The resulting explosion destroyed everything around it for miles leaving only what we see today. A stone slab found in Wales from the explosion had the words 'Shi' etched on it, possibly the last words our ancient electrician ever scratched.

By the miracle of modern science our very own Battersea power station opened in 1902. Powered by a thousand dogs on treadmills trying to catch a dancing bone it remained in full use until 1944 when it was bombed heavily during the war. After WWII it was replaced with a more sustainable cat and ball of wool system although that tended to randomly do what it wanted and occasionally plunged everyone into darkness if anybody left a cardboard box around.

Inside was a simple system to feed our need for electricity, three cables, one for earth that is placed in the ground, on called neutral that was left loose for cats to bat and one live that carried the cat bats energy generated directly to kitchens up and down the country.

Finally the secrets of the Pharaohs, a four point pin socket that reveals that it was not all about Sirius, Nubius, Dubious and Mummies. During excavations of Tutankhamen's chamber they found a curious item resembling scissors. It turned out to be curling tongs and when out together with an unusual shaped gap in the centre of the pyramid it was revealed for the first time that the great pyramid was in fact an ancient beauty salon specialising in the curling of hair.

You can see here that the socket found fits perfectly with all four corners of the pyramid and also helped design the look for Toblerone.

A set of hieroglyphic markings on one of the internal chamber turned out to be a price list with bikini lines costing a jar of asses milk whilst a short back and sides was a whopping bushel of corn. Amazing stuff I'm sure you will agree.

I hope you have enjoyed your travel through time, tomorrow we will discuss Facebook through the centuries and the founding of Twitter in 0BC with the very first tweet 'no @mary I'm not following a bloody star to Bethlehem it's Christmas #leaveittothethreekings'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How To Have A Good Sit

Did you know just how important your posture is when sitting down concentrating? Sometimes you may be sat down for a few minutes, other times it may be for hours but having a good sit is all part of our natural day, although as you get older apparently it gets harder to sit and you may need medication to sleep and sit properly.

So what kind of sitter are you? Use this handy identification guide to help.

The Brucie.

Whilst having a good sit you love to think, this is a confident sit, knees bent head held respectably in thought concentrating on sitting properly, a masterclass in correct sitting posture. Didn't you sit well?

Shout If You Want To Go Faster

Shrieks and lots of hand flapping leads to a surprising sit, caught unexpectedly you needed to have a sit very quickly causing panic and the feeling of sitting on a roller coaster, accompanying noises may sound like a flock of pigeons being let out of a basket. This type of sitting normally follows a curry and lager night.

The Bracer.

You expect the worst sitting experience of your life, timing is everything as you need to maximise your sitting position just when you expect the unexpected. Place you hands behind your back and grip onto something you are going to ride that seat like a bucking bronco. Stay on for a full sixty seconds to win.

The Side Saddler

A special sitting position for delicate bottoms, no bracing this time just an elegant sitting position to show status and refinement. Not to be confused with the straddler and the bomb bay door positions, both of which are more suited to gentlemen of a discerning nature.

The Regretter.

Resignation that whichever way you sit it's going to be uncomfortable. Eating nuts, Jacobs crackers and hard boiled eggs can lead to this and should be avoided at all costs. This sitting position has once been described as feeling like broken glass scratching a balloon and is normally accompanied by colourful language as the sitter tries in vain to get comfortable. It's also a noisy sitting position sounding somewhere between a loose hose firing frozen peas into a bucket of water to the sound of king Edwards being dropped into the same bucket from twenty feet up.

The Fifty Shader

Lets be blunt, sitting this way is going to hurt, you have the wrong posture and will need handcuffs to keep you in the sitting position. For experienced sitters only.

The Puzzler.

You have been sitting for hours only to be rewarded with one of the most unsatisfactory sits since you first started sitting. Also known as the Houdini you will be wondering why you waster so much time trying to have a good sit in the first place.

The Cabaret.

All singing all dancing sitting position. Life is a cabaret old son, sit back, jiggle your arms and legs to stop them from going to sleep, jazz hand your way through a great sit. This sitting position has the bonus of being hugely entertaining to watch too, take a bowler hat into your favourite sitting place to enhance the whole experience.

What sitter are you?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sensible Safety

Here at Bunnyfluffs Health & Safety Tufty Club Ltd I want to inform you of the potential hazards in your daily routine and help you avoid potential accidents and inconvenience.

Lets start with potty training, as an adult you may think you know everything about going to the loo la but did you know that 14,263 slipping seat accidents could have been avoided last year if people had been informed about the correct way to sit? The most important thing when making yourself comfortable is to make sure both feet touch the floor, sliding backwards or 'dunking the apples' as its known is a common mistake. Make sure that both feet touch the floor and remain vertical to your body, splaying at this stage will cause unnecessary pressure on your lower back whilst leaning forwards will cause you to tumble into a messy forward roll.

The are of course exceptions, if you have had a particularly heavy night you are of course allowed to assume the brace position using towel rails and toilet roll holders. In extreme cases the toilet brush can be used as an emergency crutch.

Toilet roll should be completely unwound to check for sharp corners before being rewound onto the spool. At night trap one end of the toilet roll in the lid of the toilet and return to your bed leaving behind a trail of toilet paper like the Andrex puppy. Pull this tight and tie it to your bed post, then if you have the urge to use the loo in the night simply straddle the paper and shuffle along keeping the paper between your legs to find the toilet in the dark without the need for pesky lights.

Always wash your hands, I personally wash my hands six times in a row, spin round three times, throw salt over my left shoulder and chant 'Now I have been, six times thrice I am clean'. A simple routine I'm sure you will find easy to incorporate, after all it's hygienic.

Carrots are the best food to eat, they are orange and you can eat the packaging. They will give you x-ray vision, they smell carroty and taste like carrots. Eating carrots is a great way to lose weight and maintain a healthy heart. Carrots taste like chocolate if chocolate tasted like carrot. Carrots make suitable substitutes for cigars and have less of the side effects, I have also been told they can be used for something else too but I seem to have forgotten what. Carrots are great. I love carrots. No really, I luuurve carrots. Gimme a carrot dammit. I'm being paid in carrots to write this lousy article, where are they?

I am not writing any more unless you give me a carrot.

Thankyou. I'll carry on... Munch,munch

What the hell is this? Whatever this is don't eat it, in fact don't even look at it. Look at it, it's hideous! Why is it all slimy and wet? Do you eat it raw?

Take it away, I'm disgusted. It's made my ears curl.

This is more like it. Knives cause more accidents in the kitchen than tins of beans. To avoid becoming a cropper learn to use your knives properly. Practice knife throwing in the kitchen, pretty soon you will be able to spear fruit from ten paces. Amaze visitors by pinning toast to the wall after it has been fired from a toaster. All this practice pays off and because of your new knife skills you will have less accidents, it really is that simple.

Running with scissors has always been frowned on but if you always carry a pair with you it soon becomes second nature. Here I am just about to take part in a marathon, notice I'm carrying my scissors, point out, so if I do fall I stab someone else instead.

When ascending any kind of staircase never, ever do it upright. The correct procedure is to bend down and slowly put your hand on the first step followed by one leg. Then slowly put the other hand on the step,and raise your second leg. Repeat until you reach the top and reverse the procedure to descend. If at work it is permissible for ladies to ascend and descend stairs in a sidesaddle way to avoid potential embarrassment. Simply sit on the step and keeping your legs together swing them up, repeat as necessary. If you need to carry anything up or down a staircase simply get an untrained colleague to do it for you. You never know you might get a comedy fall to laugh at.

Snow, a potential hazard, it is not recommended to stay out in it too long due to its freezing temperatures. To combat frost bite build all your snowmen indoors next to an open fire, not only will you be warm but the very next day your snowman will have miraculously tidied itself away.

Pricks. That's what you get from these very dangerous cacti, plants that have been known to hook small children and eat pets. Nasty things, if you see them run away before they fire their spikes at you.

This is called the Happy Truth Drink, I love this stuff, it's far safer than water and I recommend you consume the government guidelines of two litres a day to remain healthy and to cope with today's hectic lifestyle and pressures. I'm going to have a little drinky now, care to join me? I know it's early but somewhere in the world it's night time.

Wow, everything is like awesome. Did you know, did you know, did you know you are my best buddy. Hic!

Buuuurrpp! Pardon me garçon, that was a great kebab, put cheese on me chips and don't hold back on the vinegar. Cm'ere love, do you like rabbits? I've got a big car and stuff, let me show you my impression of an elephant using just my turned out pockets.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, what did I do last night. The only thing I can remember is running down the street naked shouting 'I'm the real Ken Dodd and here's my tickling stick, what a wonderful day for sticking a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting quick, the Martians have landed!'

Best thing to do to avoid any form of accidents is to stay in bed, yes, that's it, phone up work, phone up your school, phone a friend, tell them all you are not coming in today because of bed. I'm sure they will understand.

It is my duty to leave you with a handy poster to remind people of health and safety at work, print it out and pin it up in bathrooms, canteens and even in your own office.

Have a safe day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals