How Dirty Are You?

Q. Which of these words are obscene to you?

1) Trumpet

2) Trombone

3) Waffle

 

Q. You are watching Blue Peter do you?

1) Cover yourself in Vaseline and roll in glitter.

2) Make yourself a boil in the bag rice dish and serve it by candlelight to yourself.

3) Fix a pully system to the roof and hoist yourself up by the ankles singing songs from Frozen.

 

Q. At a bus stop you notice an attractive person of the opposite sex, do you?

1) Break the ice and ask them how odd shoes get on top of bus stop roofs.

2) Break the ice and jump on their backs whilst shouting 'Room for one more on top!'

3) Break the ice, strip naked and perform the balloon dance shouting 'I'm Olaf, look at my snowballs!'

 

Q. If I said the word 'Frumbler' what would you think it meant?

1) One who has difficulty catching a ball.

2) One who frumbles their frumbler frequently.

3) It's time to fasten myself to the bed and get sprayed with silly string whilst dressed up as Elsa from Frozen.

 

Q) Complete this popular movie 'Fifty Shades Of .....'

1) Gurning

2) M&S Slippers

3) Oooooooooohh!!! My thrumble bits!

 

Q) You are on a romantic night out and everything is just perfect, do you?

1) Talk about the shunting possibilities of the Mallard versus the Flying Scotsman.

2) Break wind to blow out the candles.

3) Blow out the candles romantically and dress up as Bella, when you relight them shout 'I'm Bella to your beast let's dance with the candlesticks!'

 

Q) What does this photo mean to you?

1. Those shorts don't go with that turkey.

2. Draw me like one of your french girls.

3. My desires are unconventional...show me.

 

Results

Mostly 1's - You are a damn dirty pervert, go take a cold shower and let's have less filthy talk about shunting and trumpets you potty mouth. People like you should be stripped naked and spanked, vigorously, with a feather. Covered in blamange and with a rose betwix your cheeks. Oooooooooohh!

Mostly 2's - You are borderline and prone to episodes of dirtiness that is unhealthy. Go stand in the corner and spank yourself with your slippers whilst rubbing your nose with a copy of the telephone directory you naughty person. Go on, do it, I command it.

Mostly 3's - Thank god you're normal, now go and get yourself dressed in your Disney princess dress and join me in a singalong as we perform Chim-Chim-Cher-ee along the rooftops. This Mary Poppins outfit is SO tight, come here, feel it. Oooooh, my what a big chimney sweep you are. Is that your brush or are you just pleased to see me?

How dirty are you? 1,2 or 3?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How To Have A Good Sit

Did you know just how important your posture is when sitting down concentrating? Sometimes you may be sat down for a few minutes, other times it may be for hours but having a good sit is all part of our natural day, although as you get older apparently it gets harder to sit and you may need medication to sleep and sit properly.

So what kind of sitter are you? Use this handy identification guide to help.

The Brucie.

Whilst having a good sit you love to think, this is a confident sit, knees bent head held respectably in thought concentrating on sitting properly, a masterclass in correct sitting posture. Didn't you sit well?

Shout If You Want To Go Faster

Shrieks and lots of hand flapping leads to a surprising sit, caught unexpectedly you needed to have a sit very quickly causing panic and the feeling of sitting on a roller coaster, accompanying noises may sound like a flock of pigeons being let out of a basket. This type of sitting normally follows a curry and lager night.

The Bracer.

You expect the worst sitting experience of your life, timing is everything as you need to maximise your sitting position just when you expect the unexpected. Place you hands behind your back and grip onto something you are going to ride that seat like a bucking bronco. Stay on for a full sixty seconds to win.

The Side Saddler

A special sitting position for delicate bottoms, no bracing this time just an elegant sitting position to show status and refinement. Not to be confused with the straddler and the bomb bay door positions, both of which are more suited to gentlemen of a discerning nature.

The Regretter.

Resignation that whichever way you sit it's going to be uncomfortable. Eating nuts, Jacobs crackers and hard boiled eggs can lead to this and should be avoided at all costs. This sitting position has once been described as feeling like broken glass scratching a balloon and is normally accompanied by colourful language as the sitter tries in vain to get comfortable. It's also a noisy sitting position sounding somewhere between a loose hose firing frozen peas into a bucket of water to the sound of king Edwards being dropped into the same bucket from twenty feet up.

The Fifty Shader

Lets be blunt, sitting this way is going to hurt, you have the wrong posture and will need handcuffs to keep you in the sitting position. For experienced sitters only.

The Puzzler.

You have been sitting for hours only to be rewarded with one of the most unsatisfactory sits since you first started sitting. Also known as the Houdini you will be wondering why you waster so much time trying to have a good sit in the first place.

The Cabaret.

All singing all dancing sitting position. Life is a cabaret old son, sit back, jiggle your arms and legs to stop them from going to sleep, jazz hand your way through a great sit. This sitting position has the bonus of being hugely entertaining to watch too, take a bowler hat into your favourite sitting place to enhance the whole experience.

What sitter are you?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's An Impostrophy!

Have you ever wondered just who is Aunt Bessie or Uncle Ben? Are they real people or are they impostors? Find out with Impostrophy, the new sleuth column that unearths the secret of household names.

Aunt Bessie - Real or Impostor?

REAL - Aunt Bessie is a grandma and mother of five children and lives in a small flat in Cricklewood on a meagre pension. Every week she pre-bakes 20 million Yorkshire puddings in her small two shelf oven and freezes them overnight before dispatching them to the supermarkets. Recently she has moved into mashed potato to help pay for her heating bills.

Uncle Ben - Real or Impostor?

IMPOSTOR - Uncle Ben is not an uncle and he is not called Ben, he is based upon Quentin Spindlethorpe, a cross dressing champion weight lifter from Ohio who's fame was built on the fact that he ate nothing but rice and marshmallows all his life. Quoted as saying 'I have a dream' this one little line started off the entire Rice movement in America and abolished the segregation of rice and pulses on buses.

Tony The Tiger - Real or Impostor?

REAL - Tony lives in the jungle and learnt how to make Frosted Flakes from the Eskimos that live there with him. It's a closely guarded secret that is only know to a handful of people. In 1976 an employee stole the secret frosting recepie, Tony eventually ate him after a brief argument. The song 'Eye of the Tiger' was written to celebrate Tony's fortieth birthday and went on to become the most annoyingly pointless song ever even though now you have read it you are probably humming it to yourself. Where as the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only ever a whim away.

Ronald McDonald - Real or Impostor?

REAL - Ronald McTavish Donaldson started his famous burger chain dressed as a clown selling toilets from a small shop in Glasgow. He got the idea for a burger from a peculiar shaped deposit left in one of his display models after mistakenly asking Sean Connery to sit over there. He created his meat patties by shaping them using a sink plunger and originally called them Plungepatties until it was pointed out to him that it sounded like an illness. The first McTavish restraurant was opened in 1764 and contained burgers that had as much as 29% horse meat, something considered unthinkable in today's strictly regulated burger industry. McTavish later sold the restaurant to a conglomerate that dropped the Tavish but kept the creepy clown.

Blue Dragon - Real or Impostor?

REAL - The Blue Dragon lives by the sea next to his best friend Puff The Magic Dragon, between them they dreamt up their now famous Chinese sauce based business after a heavy night of puffing on Puffs latest shipment of Colombian gold.

Green Giant - Real or Impostor?

FALSE - The jolly green giant is in fact a normal sized person called Cecil Bosenskill, a successful businessman that discovered that if people are told by a twenty six foot green man with a booming voice that they should buy sweet corn in tins they will. In 1982 a rival product of tinned carrots was launched complete with a rival giant, the 'orrible Orange Giant. To decided which product was best a cage match was held between the two giants in 1984 and became one of the biggest TV events in history when the jolly green giant beat 'orrible Orange Giant into submission with a sack of potatoes.

Should you want any name myths busting then let me know at whothehell@isthatoverthere.con and I'll feature them in the next issue!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin

B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page

C) Move it to the children's section

D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP.

B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.

C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.

D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1


'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping.'

A) fumble, frumpit

B) curdle, milk

C) wallpaper, wall

D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1


'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.

B) Captains log star date XXXL

C) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.

D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second

B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute

C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP

D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Victory V

If you received this Victor annual in your Christmas stocking in 1966 you probably marvelled at all the manly things in its contents. From big game hunters to snipers and footballers, it's so packed full of testosterone it's more likely to buy you a pint and whip your butt with a towel in the showers but beneath all that musky overtones lays something a little more unnerving, get ready for Fifty Shades Of Victor.

It was the end of a wild night, one minute it was a party and the next something that the sword master had never witnessed before, stumbling upstairs he found somebody had left...

So that's what the banging was he thought as he untied Chesil from the bed, better hide that...

And...

Or you will be...

And you know what that means. Chesil didn't want to be first in the barrel, he had learnt his lesson when he realised that the cupboard under the stairs is no longer referred to as a glory hole.

Down stairs the sword master bumped into Julie, reminding her to keep quiet about last night, not that it was required she was too embarrassed to talk about it, she should have realised when the sword master said to her 'brace yourself or...'

The party though was still in full swing and the sword master removed his clothes as he entered the reddish room.

' Let's get stuck in, anybody fancy a pant python?'

In the corner things were already hotting up in a regal way although they had gone too far the other side of the room when the livestock escaped...

Even so, Tupper, the youngest participant was enjoying himself...

'In for a penny in for a pound' said the sword master as he donned his mask and was tied to the rack...

He was stretched starfish like in a new position called the allotment that ended an hour later when someone shouted...

But before he was untied their sordid activities were interrupted by the vice squad that burst through the door that very moment...

They all protested, including Chesil who was only now covered in Vaseline and wearing a leather cap but one by one they were bundled semi clothed in the police van.

Said the policeman as they closed the door, 'The mayor will pay for all your services at his special party, are you up for that?'

'You bet!' said the sword master 'as long as...'

THE END

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Video Killed The Flat Pack Star

My first experience of a flat pack was a cassette storage unit (remember cassettes? Primarily they were used to record the charts on Sunday night and were prone to getting eaten by your cassette recorder). It was a disaster, instructions written by a lunatic guided me through twenty tortuous steps involving nails, screws, glue, a few bits of flimsy hard board and a shredding of patience. I was left with a wobbling carousel holding a hundred cassettes that was prone to fall over regularly injuring small children and pets.

Household furniture was no better, a stereo unit, yes, I know that is old fashioned, never really fitted together correctly and finally lost its insides one night after loading it a little too heavily with LP's. Saggy bottoms or droopy drawers was the most common weakest point on most flat packs apart from the person constructing it that is. Instructions written in Cantonese and Danish only added to the confusion, you needed tools from Mr Greys box and always, always something was missing or the instructions showed something impossible to achieve without giving yourself a triple hernia or indeed getting arrested.

So imagine my dismay that the only office furniture we could find that was suitable was of the flat pack nature. My track record wasn't too hot so as I sat in front of five sturdy boxes and I felt a shudder run through my spine.

For a flat pack it was extremely neatly packed, every item had been carefully wrapped and every little screw, washer and bolt had been placed in little packets to aid identification. I gave a little shriek of delight as the instructions proved themselves to be of the readable variety and after a quick count not only was all the parts there but they had even thought to include spares and an assembly tool. My, how things had moved on.

So, two hours later everything was constructed, the instructions worked like a dream, everything fitted without injury or arrest and more importantly the things were so sturdy. I was impressed.

I still have that old cassette carousel somewhere in the murky heights of the loft, not long after its construction out came CD's requiring yet another storage system only to be followed by DVD cases, yet another storage nightmare. Thankfully in a digital age I no longer need a big wooden construction to flaunt my wares, just a degree in information technology, accounts with media providers, more equipment than they used in the first moon landing and a penchant to complain on how everything has changed since flat packs and cassette tapes.

Now, where's that video recorder the size of a battle ship? I must remember to record that old repeat of The Two Ronnies after I have used a bit of Sellotape to make it recordable again. There's a thought, I have never built a storage unit for my video tapes, I wonder if they will catch on, they are the latest craze apparently, imagine, being able to record television and get this, you can even rent films out.

How very decadent and rakish.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Helpful

The Olympics has thrust the UK onto the main stage for millions of people so for the 200 countries taking part here's a quick handy pocket guide to the United Kingdom.

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

That's it for today's handy pocket guide bought to you by the UK Borest Tord, all information contained in this valuable guide can be purchased in a handy paperback form for two pounds of broccoli at your nearest police station.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Fifty Shades Of Green

I might be a little rough said Arthur Cumberpatch as he undid his corderoys. Muriel Ramsbottom squirmed at the mere thought of Arthur's rampant snake as he pulled at it frantically. It needs a woman's touch he whispered, lowering his gaze to look at Muriel's ripe melons. Give it a tug for me I can't do it on my own said Arthur as he gripped her hand and pulled it towards him.

Muriel paused, touching Arthur's snake had seemed a dream, this man of sixty, this man of means was complex, a paradox, a fantasy. Arthur's muscular stature and chiseled features were burned into Muriel's memory, how she had longed to hold him in her arms, feel his firm grip and touch his gigantic snake.

At this point, if you have read a popular book at the moment you will be wanting more so let me reveal the tawdry secrets behind Arthur and Muriel...

Arthur had run his pet shop for years, Muriel had watched Arthur from behind her row of ripe melons on her fruit and veg stall as he looked after his favourite pet python, a snake she had always wanted to hold.

They both joined hands and walked down the street to the local pub, the Cockwell Inn, Tilit, Herts.

TBC...

Or if you prefer a different type of novel, primarily the bodice ripper try Captain Giles Welldeep in his latest adventure One Good Thrust...

The bedroom door burst open as Giles unbuttoned his tunic, Lady Amy Upforit stood seductively in the doorway licking her lips. That needs a good seeing to said Giles as he rose from the bed holding his stiff sabre. Lady Upforit nodded, I know, it's what I have been waiting for she replied then lifted her petticoat.

Giles tore off his tunic and using his sabre cut a neat strip from it and wrapped it around her leg covering the cut she had sustained just moments before whilst clearing out fireplace. See, said Giles, that's a lot better, if you don't see to injuries like that they could turn nasty. Lady Amy sat down relieved that it had stopped bleeding, filled her pipe and smoked some rough shag.

Romantic gold I'm sure, maybe I should try to do a whole book...

John Hardsteel stood on the roof of his chip shop holding the girl of his dreams, Tracy Murmington, a fish skinner from Urmston and bent to kiss her. The smell of the grease from her hair mingled with the heady aroma of fish guts and made him feel light headed. After their first encounter over a mangled carp that Tracy had just skinned their love had grown. Could this be the one?

Can't decide if that passage is a bit too romantic though, maybe I should change the location to the local refuse tip.