You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.
Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.
Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.
The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.
Expect rain.
Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.
It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.
Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :
A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.
Six eggs and one chicken.
Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.
A football signed by a premier footballer.
A flask of tea and crumpets.
A travelling rug.
One Carry On Film DVD
A Corgi called Colin.
Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.
Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.
To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.
Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.
That's it for today's handy pocket guide bought to you by the UK Borest Tord, all information contained in this valuable guide can be purchased in a handy paperback form for two pounds of broccoli at your nearest police station.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal
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