Have you ever wondered just who is Aunt Bessie or Uncle Ben? Are they real people or are they impostors? Find out with Impostrophy, the new sleuth column that unearths the secret of household names.
Aunt Bessie - Real or Impostor?
REAL - Aunt Bessie is a grandma and mother of five children and lives in a small flat in Cricklewood on a meagre pension. Every week she pre-bakes 20 million Yorkshire puddings in her small two shelf oven and freezes them overnight before dispatching them to the supermarkets. Recently she has moved into mashed potato to help pay for her heating bills.
Uncle Ben - Real or Impostor?
IMPOSTOR - Uncle Ben is not an uncle and he is not called Ben, he is based upon Quentin Spindlethorpe, a cross dressing champion weight lifter from Ohio who's fame was built on the fact that he ate nothing but rice and marshmallows all his life. Quoted as saying 'I have a dream' this one little line started off the entire Rice movement in America and abolished the segregation of rice and pulses on buses.
Tony The Tiger - Real or Impostor?
REAL - Tony lives in the jungle and learnt how to make Frosted Flakes from the Eskimos that live there with him. It's a closely guarded secret that is only know to a handful of people. In 1976 an employee stole the secret frosting recepie, Tony eventually ate him after a brief argument. The song 'Eye of the Tiger' was written to celebrate Tony's fortieth birthday and went on to become the most annoyingly pointless song ever even though now you have read it you are probably humming it to yourself. Where as the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only ever a whim away.
Ronald McDonald - Real or Impostor?
REAL - Ronald McTavish Donaldson started his famous burger chain dressed as a clown selling toilets from a small shop in Glasgow. He got the idea for a burger from a peculiar shaped deposit left in one of his display models after mistakenly asking Sean Connery to sit over there. He created his meat patties by shaping them using a sink plunger and originally called them Plungepatties until it was pointed out to him that it sounded like an illness. The first McTavish restraurant was opened in 1764 and contained burgers that had as much as 29% horse meat, something considered unthinkable in today's strictly regulated burger industry. McTavish later sold the restaurant to a conglomerate that dropped the Tavish but kept the creepy clown.
Blue Dragon - Real or Impostor?
REAL - The Blue Dragon lives by the sea next to his best friend Puff The Magic Dragon, between them they dreamt up their now famous Chinese sauce based business after a heavy night of puffing on Puffs latest shipment of Colombian gold.
Green Giant - Real or Impostor?
FALSE - The jolly green giant is in fact a normal sized person called Cecil Bosenskill, a successful businessman that discovered that if people are told by a twenty six foot green man with a booming voice that they should buy sweet corn in tins they will. In 1982 a rival product of tinned carrots was launched complete with a rival giant, the 'orrible Orange Giant. To decided which product was best a cage match was held between the two giants in 1984 and became one of the biggest TV events in history when the jolly green giant beat 'orrible Orange Giant into submission with a sack of potatoes.
Should you want any name myths busting then let me know at whothehell@isthatoverthere.con and I'll feature them in the next issue!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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