Titter Ye Not

After spending pretty much most of the time either cooped up in the studio or on tour last year we decided to change our working habits and become a little more flexible in 2014. This involves making sure we have at least one day a week out and about to break up the routine. Yesterday was that day and our destination was the Hope Valley, a wonderful walking destination and the start of a seven mile hike.

You know that things aren't going to go smoothly, after all, I'm involved so it was no surprise to find out that the car park we had chosen had a broken ticket machine. Phone this number it's gleefully displayed only to be contradicted by two other phone this number stickers around the coin slot. So with dour expectancy I phoned, either that or get a £50 fine.

'Hello, I'd like to report a problem with one of your car park ticket machines'

'Ok, what is your name?'

'Err, Peter'

'No, full name please'

'Peter Smith'

'Thankyou, now your postcode and house number'

'Hang on, why do you need my postcode and house number?'

'For security reasons.'

'What security reasons? I'm reporting a ticket machine problem from a cold and empty car park what kind of security breach I'm I going to achieve here?'

'Its standard procedure'

'For MI5 maybe but all I want to do is tell you it's broke.' You can see by now this phonecall was going to go every way bizarre as is usual for one of my days.

'Ok, in that case use another ticket machine. Goodbye.'

'Hang on, hang on! There is no other ticket machine, the car park has ten spaces and I'm in the middle of nowhere with three bearded men approaching me who are going to have the same problem when they use the machine, either that or I'm going to experience the Derbyshire equivalent of Deliverance.'

'There is no other ticket machine?'

'No, and guess what, the one there is doesn't work.'

'Would you like to report it?'

'WTF! No,no, I wouldn't like to trouble you with trifling details like that, I was lacking a bit of stress in my life and hoped you could supply it, I'm so glad I phoned.'

Silence...

'Can I report it?'

'No, you need our car parks division.'

'Aaaarrrggghh!!' I then proceeded to kick the ticket machine until the three bearded men managed to calm me down.

Anyway, I eventually got through to the right department and had to report it using a special code, they had to take all my details down including car make, reg, shoe size etc and I had to write a lengthy explanation and leave it in the car window. Then, get this, I had to hand my phone to three other strangers to verify them individually and for them to confirm all their details too. I ask you, and you wonder where all our money gets spent.

That sorted it was off to use the public conveniences before setting off and lo and behold they were spotless. As I stood there concentrating I heard a polite cough from the cubicles, there was indeed someone else resident, obviously in for a good read as I could hear the pages turning. Then get this, another classic moment. A noise sounding like a building brick being dropped in a water filled bucket emitted from the cubicles direction, followed by a sigh, then unbelievably a fanfare such as you would get to announce the bride and groom at a Royal wedding. Then, unbelievably, no really unbelievably, they spoke 'And that my friends is a Doppler dump, don't forget you can see more on my YouTube channel xxxx'

The guy was filming himself, I kid you not.

I hurried out into the arms of Jayne and urged her on. I shudder to think, I have so many questions, how, why, what camera angle and should I look it up on YouTube.

I won't regale the rest of the strangeness but I'll just add one thing, I know many of you probably think it's all made up but no, really, these things happen and on an all too regular basis including general unexpected randomness in typical fashion as I turned the corner with Jayne.

For lo and behold another surprise, I ask you, who wouldn't smile as you approached this little gem and with that we tittered away into the hills.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Terror Treasures Of The World (issue two)

Issue 2 of 250, Second Issue 50p with free Carrier Bag Of Craziness.

Normal Price £4.99

Welcome this stunning collection of antiquities and mysterious objects that aim to beguile and amaze you. In easy to collect parts over the next 250 weeks it will build up into a stunning library that will stun visitors with its stunning collection of the weird and wonderful.

Cortez Coat Of Goats

A young goat herder once had so much time on his hands and was tired of getting cold night after night that he decided to use his time wisely and create a coat from his herd. The coat took him many months to make and was made from the hair of a thousand different goats, each hair individually plucked. Unbeknownst to the young Cortez was that one of the goats in his herd was no other than the Goat Of Destiny, a goat that looks after the well being of goats worldwide.

The Goat Of Destiny had watched the young goat herder night after night as he very carefully asked each goat if he could take three hairs and skillfully plucked them causing no harm. The Goat Of Destiny was impressed, this young goat herder really cared for his charges so decided to offer his own hair as part of the coat and to bestow a special power to the finished clothing.

Once the coat was finished it was tried on for size, immediately Cortez noticed a change, all the goats suddenly paid attention to him as if they were waiting on his every move. He walked to the left they all side stepped left, he walked right they all went right, the coat bestowed the power of remotegoating, the ability to control a goat without causing giddiness or distress. The goats quite simply thought he was a god.

Unfortunately Cortez whilst marching three hundred goats down a mountain slipped and fell, his coat snagged on a tree and was torn off. Three hundred goats suddenly became giddily overwhelmed and in their exuberance delightfully trampled him to death and ate his hat.

Copies of this infamous coat can be found in many thrift shops up and down the country, all have the same peculiar smell, a feint odour of the great outdoors and a heavy dose of a smell resembling a herd of gnus but only one will give you the power of remotegoating, will you find it?

P.S. Avoid the ones smelling of wee, they may be the Coat Of Splishsplashiness an item that grants the wearer lavish uncontrollable urination skills that have been likend to controlling a loose hosepipe.

Tourette's Kettle

In 1946 Fred Brittle of Urmskirk found a battered old copper kettle in the rubble of a bombed out Anderson shelter. It's spout had been bent a little but remarkably it had survived the Luftwaffe. He took it home, gave it a polish and showed his find to his wife Myrtle. Feeling thirsty they decided to try it out and filled it up and placed it on the coal fired hob. As it began to boil Fred heard his name called from the kitchen but as he entered there was no one there. Turning around he started to walk back to the lounge when he distinctly heard his name called again only this time more aggressively.

'Fred yer flicker!'

Again, the kitchen was empty apart from the bubbling kettle which now seemed to be making a weird spluttering noise. Fred listened to the kettle. 'Hobknob nuts sack breasticular mooning orbs nipply erect' it seemed to be steamily saying. As the kettle reached boiling point the noise got louder and the profanities emitting from its filthy spout became far, far worse. Then it began insulting Myrtle with a torrent of potty mouth filth that turned the air blue and had neighbours banging on the walls.

Myrtle shouted from the lounge. 'Fred! That's disgusting, I do not @£&? like a @&!£ you foul mouthed £&@&-//(. The kettle had claimed its first victim after Myrtle filed for divorce on the grounds of her husband was unable to control his mouth when he boiled the kettle. His defence was undermined when he tried to recreate the noise by boiling the kettle in front of the lawyers, unfortunately the small camp stove could not generate enough heat to boil and all that could be heard was a long protracted hiss that sounded like 'aaaaarrrssse'

The kettle was again thrown away and disappears from history although there is a rumour that the Duke Of Edinburgh will have his tea made from nothing other than the kettle which he found whilst scavenging through a skip in Mayfair sometime during 1953. It is also rumoured to have even taught him some of the language he has used in his many colourful episodes and the Queen occasionally uses it to entertain guests at her lavish meals by using it to recreate the language of the guttersnipes she has to address each and every Christmas.

The Phone That Dialled Hell

Little did Marty Bottal know that his life would turn upside down the moment he purchased a retro trim phone from an antique shop that he was about to be plunged into a nightmare. Looking for the right look for his new apartment the trim phone suited his quirky outlook on life, a mixture of old and new with a few classic design items to turn a blank space into his own. He unplugged his BT359 and plugged in his trendy trim phone, it looked just the ticket.

The first time he used his new phone he dialled for a pizza only to be connected to a sinister voice announcing 'Welcome to hell, stay a while, stay forever!' followed by the sound of splashing and maniacal laughing that sounded like souls trapped in throws of purgatory. Marty slammed down the phone quaking with fear. Over the course of the next few days Marty tried again and again to phone out but was always treated with the same message and the sound of tortured souls.

Plugging in his old phone everything returned to normal but plug back in the trim phone and the direct link to hell reconnected. He became obsessed listening to the voice but was unable to continue listening after the screams, eventually it drove him insane and he was taken away babbling about hell and damnation and has not been seen since. His property and contents were sold by auction a year later to a ex BT engineer who had heard the rumours about the phone.

On his first night with the phone he cautiously plugged it in and dialled a number. 'Welcome to hell' said the sinister voice, 'stay a while, stay forever!' He was unshaken, it was exactly what he expected and carried on listening to the gurgles, splashes, screams whilst quietly chuckling to himself only he didn't put the phone down after this, he continued to listen.

'Hull's new water park opens in the Summer of 1998, the laughter and splashes will fill you with shrieks of delight' carried on the recording, a recording he now identified as a prerecorded advertisement for Hull's Water Sensations embedded in a phone that used to sit in the tourist information office for visitors to pickup and listen to.

Although the 'Hull' had mysteriously changed to 'Hell' on the recording it was later put down to a Freudian slip by the narrator who had endured horrendous family holidays on the east coast.

P.S. There was a piece on BBC News today that claimed creatives and people who write off the wall things may actually be mentally ill, I would like to assure readers of this blog that indeed I am mentally ill and you should have no further worries regarding my authenticity in being mentally unstable.

Issue Three out sometime never.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Virtual Reality

LOADING

(C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Light Lamp"

You light the lamp, you are in a dark cavern holding a lamp. On the floor is nothing, exits are North. Lighting the lamp caused the smelly gas to explode.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Go North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Go North'

"North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'North'

"N"

You go North, you are in a smelly dark cavern, on the floor is a lamp. Exits are North.

"What?"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'What?'

"N"

You go North, in the dark you trip over the lamp and break your neck.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Nothing"

You do nothing. In walks a six foot fire breathing toilet that beats you to death with a broom. Maybe some light would have been a good idea.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Fight six foot fire breathing toilet"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Fight six foot fire breathing toilet'

"What a crap game"

You sit down in the dark smelly cavern and have a crap, in walks a hippopotamus carrying a duck. They proceed to trample you to death whilst singing the Birdie Song.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"No, I think the question is what would YOU like me to do"

You are in a cavern trying to be a smart ass, in walks a bag of midget gems, you taste one and choke to death for being so cocky.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take the bloody lamp and stick it up your arse"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'bloody lamp' but I do understand 'arse' so for that in walks your mum, I say walk it's more like in wobbles your mum because she's so fat. She trips and crushes you with her left breast.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take lamp but DO NOT light it"

You take the lamp and do not light it. You are in a dark smelly cavern, on the floor you see nothing. Exits are North.

"N and don't trip this time"

You go North, very carefully you avoid tripping. You are in poorly decorated room, the cave exit disappears. You see a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look"

You are in poorly decorated room, there is a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look at light"

You look at the light. It's actually a window, if you look carefully you can see other people passing by. It's called LIFE, go and get one you geek.

"Wha!"

I'm sorry, I don't understand "Wha!" just like I don't understand LOL or TXT SPK, this is a text adventure, it's 2013, go and talk to someone instead of sitting inside twiddling your knobs or whatever you do with your tablet computer. Whilst we are at it pull your pants up you look ridiculous.

"Quit"

Yeah, just quit you quitter, it's a wonder you even knew that word. I bet you say things like 'I woz quit plezed wiv me self' lol.

Quit (Y/N)

"Y"

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"For flippers sake, what a load of shunt"

For flipping me a shunt in walks a whale, it's your partner, together you get married, you have kids. No, literally, your kids look like baby goats and you look like a horse and will probably be made into burgers sometime in the future. I quit, enjoy your day loser.

Thank you for playing a (C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series production. Why not try our other award winning games like 'The Bus Stop' and the 'Mysterious Dustcart'. Now go North and multiply. have a nice day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals