Issue 2 of 250, Second Issue 50p with free Carrier Bag Of Craziness.
Normal Price £4.99
Welcome this stunning collection of antiquities and mysterious objects that aim to beguile and amaze you. In easy to collect parts over the next 250 weeks it will build up into a stunning library that will stun visitors with its stunning collection of the weird and wonderful.
Cortez Coat Of Goats
A young goat herder once had so much time on his hands and was tired of getting cold night after night that he decided to use his time wisely and create a coat from his herd. The coat took him many months to make and was made from the hair of a thousand different goats, each hair individually plucked. Unbeknownst to the young Cortez was that one of the goats in his herd was no other than the Goat Of Destiny, a goat that looks after the well being of goats worldwide.
The Goat Of Destiny had watched the young goat herder night after night as he very carefully asked each goat if he could take three hairs and skillfully plucked them causing no harm. The Goat Of Destiny was impressed, this young goat herder really cared for his charges so decided to offer his own hair as part of the coat and to bestow a special power to the finished clothing.
Once the coat was finished it was tried on for size, immediately Cortez noticed a change, all the goats suddenly paid attention to him as if they were waiting on his every move. He walked to the left they all side stepped left, he walked right they all went right, the coat bestowed the power of remotegoating, the ability to control a goat without causing giddiness or distress. The goats quite simply thought he was a god.
Unfortunately Cortez whilst marching three hundred goats down a mountain slipped and fell, his coat snagged on a tree and was torn off. Three hundred goats suddenly became giddily overwhelmed and in their exuberance delightfully trampled him to death and ate his hat.
Copies of this infamous coat can be found in many thrift shops up and down the country, all have the same peculiar smell, a feint odour of the great outdoors and a heavy dose of a smell resembling a herd of gnus but only one will give you the power of remotegoating, will you find it?
P.S. Avoid the ones smelling of wee, they may be the Coat Of Splishsplashiness an item that grants the wearer lavish uncontrollable urination skills that have been likend to controlling a loose hosepipe.
Tourette's Kettle
In 1946 Fred Brittle of Urmskirk found a battered old copper kettle in the rubble of a bombed out Anderson shelter. It's spout had been bent a little but remarkably it had survived the Luftwaffe. He took it home, gave it a polish and showed his find to his wife Myrtle. Feeling thirsty they decided to try it out and filled it up and placed it on the coal fired hob. As it began to boil Fred heard his name called from the kitchen but as he entered there was no one there. Turning around he started to walk back to the lounge when he distinctly heard his name called again only this time more aggressively.
'Fred yer flicker!'
Again, the kitchen was empty apart from the bubbling kettle which now seemed to be making a weird spluttering noise. Fred listened to the kettle. 'Hobknob nuts sack breasticular mooning orbs nipply erect' it seemed to be steamily saying. As the kettle reached boiling point the noise got louder and the profanities emitting from its filthy spout became far, far worse. Then it began insulting Myrtle with a torrent of potty mouth filth that turned the air blue and had neighbours banging on the walls.
Myrtle shouted from the lounge. 'Fred! That's disgusting, I do not @£&? like a @&!£ you foul mouthed £&@&-//(. The kettle had claimed its first victim after Myrtle filed for divorce on the grounds of her husband was unable to control his mouth when he boiled the kettle. His defence was undermined when he tried to recreate the noise by boiling the kettle in front of the lawyers, unfortunately the small camp stove could not generate enough heat to boil and all that could be heard was a long protracted hiss that sounded like 'aaaaarrrssse'
The kettle was again thrown away and disappears from history although there is a rumour that the Duke Of Edinburgh will have his tea made from nothing other than the kettle which he found whilst scavenging through a skip in Mayfair sometime during 1953. It is also rumoured to have even taught him some of the language he has used in his many colourful episodes and the Queen occasionally uses it to entertain guests at her lavish meals by using it to recreate the language of the guttersnipes she has to address each and every Christmas.
The Phone That Dialled Hell
Little did Marty Bottal know that his life would turn upside down the moment he purchased a retro trim phone from an antique shop that he was about to be plunged into a nightmare. Looking for the right look for his new apartment the trim phone suited his quirky outlook on life, a mixture of old and new with a few classic design items to turn a blank space into his own. He unplugged his BT359 and plugged in his trendy trim phone, it looked just the ticket.
The first time he used his new phone he dialled for a pizza only to be connected to a sinister voice announcing 'Welcome to hell, stay a while, stay forever!' followed by the sound of splashing and maniacal laughing that sounded like souls trapped in throws of purgatory. Marty slammed down the phone quaking with fear. Over the course of the next few days Marty tried again and again to phone out but was always treated with the same message and the sound of tortured souls.
Plugging in his old phone everything returned to normal but plug back in the trim phone and the direct link to hell reconnected. He became obsessed listening to the voice but was unable to continue listening after the screams, eventually it drove him insane and he was taken away babbling about hell and damnation and has not been seen since. His property and contents were sold by auction a year later to a ex BT engineer who had heard the rumours about the phone.
On his first night with the phone he cautiously plugged it in and dialled a number. 'Welcome to hell' said the sinister voice, 'stay a while, stay forever!' He was unshaken, it was exactly what he expected and carried on listening to the gurgles, splashes, screams whilst quietly chuckling to himself only he didn't put the phone down after this, he continued to listen.
'Hull's new water park opens in the Summer of 1998, the laughter and splashes will fill you with shrieks of delight' carried on the recording, a recording he now identified as a prerecorded advertisement for Hull's Water Sensations embedded in a phone that used to sit in the tourist information office for visitors to pickup and listen to.
Although the 'Hull' had mysteriously changed to 'Hell' on the recording it was later put down to a Freudian slip by the narrator who had endured horrendous family holidays on the east coast.
P.S. There was a piece on BBC News today that claimed creatives and people who write off the wall things may actually be mentally ill, I would like to assure readers of this blog that indeed I am mentally ill and you should have no further worries regarding my authenticity in being mentally unstable.
Issue Three out sometime never.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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