Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Terror Treasures Of The World (issue one)

Issue 1 of 250, First Issue 10p with free Telephone Of Terror plastic replica

Normal Price £4.99

Welcome this stunning collection of antiquities and mysterious objects that aim to beguile and amaze you. In easy to collect parts over the next 250 weeks it will build up into a stunning library that will stun visitors with its stunning collection of the weird and wonderful.

1. The Haunted Shoe of the Trimbini Tribe of Sumatra

Rumoured to have been left by a disillusioned cobbler who after arriving in Sumatra discovered that in fact the only footwear worn was banana leaves studded with cloves the shoe is held in esteem by the elders of the various Trimibini tribes. Decorated with leather laces and a small floral tongue it is often bought out at ceremonial occasions whereupon they will perform the dance of the river, a line of dancers perform a high speed tapping move specially created to annoy other local tribes and to remind them who has the shoe.

If any person should be foolish to wear the shoe without the proper protection bestowed by the god Cobbleteetee then they will be haunted for two full moons by the spirit of he cobbler who will attempt to re-heel them every night as they sleep using nothing but a coconut and a guava leaf.

In today's current antiquities market the haunted shoe is a prize worth having and will easily be swapped at TK-Maxx for a pair of second hand brogues.

2. The Tell Tale Toaster

Found in 1998 at an undisclosed address in Hull this Breville Masterblaster two slicer purchased from Currys around 1982 according to the receipt has the uncanny ability to communicate with the dead. Experts have witnessed toast burn with peculiar symbols on them, undescipherable to most except for a select few that have the toastituality to foresee the hidden messages. One, a D.Ackordian has deciphered messages from many spirits said to posses the toaster and the accompanying drinks cabinet.

The toaster recently became famous when it had its own television series 'D.Ackordians Most Toasted' a tour de force of mystery as the spirit world residents of the tormented toaster was given a voice by our toastituality medium Derick. So far he has uncovered a young delivery boy ran over by a cart and horse in a freak boating accident, the plaintive cries of a young woman overcome by fumes from over ripe cheese and surprisingly a Martian who first landed in 2094BC and died trying to change the toaster plug when he accidentally touched a live wire whilst trying to release a trapped crumpet.

Current worth £unknown

3. The Revengeful Rug of Regret

Shortly after the death of Major G.Raffe at the base of his extravagant staircase the items left in his extensive mansion were sold at a Sotherbys auction in 1949. One of these items has been attributed to more than fifteen deaths. The Persian Rug of Regret as it has become to be known claimed its first victim shortly after it sale when it was placed in the hallway of its new owner. Unfamiliar with its ornate corner decorations it caught under his feet whilst he was otherwise engaged carrying in his other auction purchases and fell on the umbrella stand. Unfortunately the umbrella stand was also home to his wife's extensive collection of knitting needles and ceremonial spears which punctured him several times before he staggered back and fell onto the coal scuttle. He passed away shortly after the small shovel and several lumps of coke were removed.

In 1962 an unbeliever tried to destroy the rug by throwing it out of a first story window, the rug snagged on the latch and he lost his balance falling to his death in a small patch of shrubbery below. By 1977 it had made its way to Uphem Hall which burned to the ground six months later, the rug survived. The rugs fame had reached epidemic proportions and Michael Jackson based his 1982 hit Thriller on the remarkable yet scary story of the indestructible rug. Reminants if the indestructible rug were taken for analysis and later woven into Bruce Forsyths wig raising rumours about the secret of his entertainment immortality.

Current wearabouts unknown but be on the lookout for a soiled multicoloured rug with tassels and a penchant for murder!

Part 2 tomorrow!


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