Home Eating Magazine 2014

Sick and tired of all those leftovers? 

Full and bloated with festive food? 

Today we solve all your  problems with ideas to save you £££'s and help keep that waistline trim for 2015!

 Save money on expensive all in one 'ready meals' for children by making your own Willy Wonka inspired teatime treat. We call it the Cocktail Trifle, you can call it whatever you want because it relies on what you have left. Simply scrape up all the trifle bits and place them at the bottom of a fresh bowl, add in any assorted party snacks like cocktail sausages and chicken drumsticks until the trifle is peeking over the rim and the grease has congealed enough on top before adding squirty cream.

 Larger sausages and leftover pigs in blankets when inflated make ideal safety ski's combining the stability of a snowboard with meaty comfort footwear. NB sausages liable to 'pop' once inflated and may cover a large area in lips, eyes and arseholes.

Kids bored with their gifts already? Then fear not, teach them the ancient art of brussel marbles with your leftover sprouts. Full details of this unique game and more can be found at www.sproutygames.co.uk where you will also discover Sprout Throwing, Brussel Rolling and hundreds of other 'sprouty' games!

 Stale sausage rolls make ideal emergency car jacks, just avoid flaky pastry as these crumble on cars above a Ford Capri but there is an alternative if you have a handy foot pump...

 Keep a pump and several scotch eggs in your car and you can 'jack' up anything, anywhere! Simply pop the scotch egg under your vehicle, attach the nozzle and pump away, your vehicle will be ready and steady in no time at all! NB Do NOT over inflate, exploding scotch eggs have been known to cause serious injury and prevalent smells that will stick to your clothes.

 Feel like a real celeb and follow the trend setting Lady Gagamadonna who uses her left over Christmas pudding to great effect with this stylish bonnet! Or you could go one further and using several pipecleaners and leftover mince pies turn yourself into songbuster pianist Elton Scone

Wear your pies with pride and bellow out festive songs, you may even get stopped in the street and asked for an autograph!

We hope these ideas have been useful in clearing out those pesky leftovers, if you have an idea you would like to include simply write it down on a piece of bread and pop it in the toaster, it will get to us in no time at all!

Ivor Lotsagrub
Home Eating Magazine 2014

A Spoonful of Invention

Take the humble spoon, a simple item masking a whole world of coolness that you never realised existed. Forget chucking away those plastic spoons, horde them and in turn you will have a treasure chest of useful and entertaining objects. Come with me and enter the world of Spoonventions, parts of the Forkatry skill set we discussed yesterday.

Problems with ninjas? Fear no more with this spuriken, a lethal throwing weapon known only to Dojen Hiyah Kung Po masters. Simply strap together four spoons as shown and carefully sharpen the edges using a potato peeler. Throw at any hiding ninjas for ninja free zone. in fact they are so good since I made mine I have been completely ninja free.

If you prefer a more hands on approach then become Wolverine instantly. No catch, you really can pretend to be Wolverine with this.

Place small blobs of glue onto your fingers and place in the bowls of five spoons like above. When you lift you will have instant extendable claws, try slashing toilet paper to see the impressive shredding action then blame the results on a passing cat. To retract your claws simply make a fist and the will miraculously vanish, open you hand quickly to extend.

N.B. remove before using the toilet to avoid nasty accidents.

Want to play a game? No problem, simply get a pack of cards and copy the symbols and numbers onto fifty two spoons for your own easy grip playing card spoons. As they fit comfortably together they will travel in your back pocket effortlessly rendering traditional card packs useless. Impress friends and strangers alike as you play snap, poker, Klondike and many more games using your stylish pack. Decorate on the reverse for extra wow factor.

If you have kids then feeding time can be a nightmare. Trying to hit the cake hole whilst they move their head like they are possessed has always been a problem but if you fasten three spoons together then you have increased your chances of filling their pie chute instantly. Also useful for eating yoghurt really fast.

Still having trouble feeding the little dears? Then you need an Aerospoon, the latest in airborne food delivery. To save having to make engine noises and swooping with your hand to deliver your payload simply stand the other side of the room, load it up and throw it towards a child. Their surprise will cause their mouth to open wide and the plane will land safely after gliding gracefully into their open mouth. Tie a piece of thread to the tail fin and you don't even have to go and retrieve it, just a small tug and it returns effortlessly.

Still having trouble feeding? Then amuse them into submission with this animated toy rabbit. Skilful use of the ear spoons will enable the bunny to look and listen.

Here bunny has heard a noise. What is it you ask?

It's the cast of Top Gear made entirely from spoons, how cool is that! Play with Jeremy, Stig and Hammond as they miraculously appear in 3D. Review cars, go on road trips, meet celebs, crash cars all whilst filming your own special Top Gear show.

N.B. Voices, cars, celebs not supplied but can be easily made following our advanced origami with toilet paper course.

Want to make some extra money this weekend? Get a stall at a craft show and sell Spoollery, jewellery made from spoons! You will be quids in and a millionaire by this time next week.

Finally the ultimate spoon hack. Need to eat your Chinese meal in a hurry? Simply snap off the spoon bowls and discard to be left with...chopsticks! Who'd have thought it possible, I'm never going to eat the same again.

Spoonventions part of the Culinariology Forketry Society of Great Britain, founded in 1482 sometime around tea time.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New Season Finds

With Spring just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2013 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Virtual Reality

LOADING

(C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Light Lamp"

You light the lamp, you are in a dark cavern holding a lamp. On the floor is nothing, exits are North. Lighting the lamp caused the smelly gas to explode.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Go North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Go North'

"North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'North'

"N"

You go North, you are in a smelly dark cavern, on the floor is a lamp. Exits are North.

"What?"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'What?'

"N"

You go North, in the dark you trip over the lamp and break your neck.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Nothing"

You do nothing. In walks a six foot fire breathing toilet that beats you to death with a broom. Maybe some light would have been a good idea.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Fight six foot fire breathing toilet"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Fight six foot fire breathing toilet'

"What a crap game"

You sit down in the dark smelly cavern and have a crap, in walks a hippopotamus carrying a duck. They proceed to trample you to death whilst singing the Birdie Song.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"No, I think the question is what would YOU like me to do"

You are in a cavern trying to be a smart ass, in walks a bag of midget gems, you taste one and choke to death for being so cocky.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take the bloody lamp and stick it up your arse"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'bloody lamp' but I do understand 'arse' so for that in walks your mum, I say walk it's more like in wobbles your mum because she's so fat. She trips and crushes you with her left breast.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take lamp but DO NOT light it"

You take the lamp and do not light it. You are in a dark smelly cavern, on the floor you see nothing. Exits are North.

"N and don't trip this time"

You go North, very carefully you avoid tripping. You are in poorly decorated room, the cave exit disappears. You see a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look"

You are in poorly decorated room, there is a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look at light"

You look at the light. It's actually a window, if you look carefully you can see other people passing by. It's called LIFE, go and get one you geek.

"Wha!"

I'm sorry, I don't understand "Wha!" just like I don't understand LOL or TXT SPK, this is a text adventure, it's 2013, go and talk to someone instead of sitting inside twiddling your knobs or whatever you do with your tablet computer. Whilst we are at it pull your pants up you look ridiculous.

"Quit"

Yeah, just quit you quitter, it's a wonder you even knew that word. I bet you say things like 'I woz quit plezed wiv me self' lol.

Quit (Y/N)

"Y"

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"For flippers sake, what a load of shunt"

For flipping me a shunt in walks a whale, it's your partner, together you get married, you have kids. No, literally, your kids look like baby goats and you look like a horse and will probably be made into burgers sometime in the future. I quit, enjoy your day loser.

Thank you for playing a (C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series production. Why not try our other award winning games like 'The Bus Stop' and the 'Mysterious Dustcart'. Now go North and multiply. have a nice day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals