Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Towering Infertilizer

'The pigs under the quilt again Mabel, you know what a mess he made last time, no amount of Daz is going to shift that stain.'

Mabel and Stan had decided to give up the rat race and try some of the good life. Being self sufficient in a council flat ten stories up does present it's own hilarious problems for our happy couple...

'I'm just going to muck the chickens out Mabel, the bathroom is starting to honk a little, although that may be down to the horse manure in the bathtub. Have you seen the shovel?'

'It's in the hallway, next to the horse, I left it there after digging over the veg patch behind the settee. I'm having all on with the goat, it's only gone and ate the shower curtain, rings and all.'

DING DONG

'Don't worry, I'll get it Mabel, it's probably the rotivator I ordered, that lounge carpet needs turning before I put the fertiliser down'

Click, Stan opens the door.

'Oh, hello, what can I do for you neighbour?'

'Can you keep the noise down mate, I hearing some strange things from you at all hours of the day, what are you doing in there?'

'Ah, sorry about that, it's the sheep you see.'

'Sheep? You have sheep?'

'Yes, we make our own cheese, they have been a bit noisy I admit, it's all down to the goat teasing them.'

'You have a goat too? Really?'

'They live in the bedroom, they shouldn't make much more noise though we moved them in with the pigs.'

'Unbelievable, you should be reported, the noise is appalling, the smell is quite frankly offensive. My tiger has started to pace the lounge and that is never good.'

'You have a tiger?'

'Yes, it lives in the lounge to keep it away from the zebra in the bedroom and that's only in there because the bathroom is full of gazelles. Anyway, I hope you are not getting as bad as Roger in number 67, I had to tell him to keep the noise down last week, it was getting too much.'

'Why, what was Roger doing, he's normally quite quiet.'

'It's that bloody Walrus of his, ever since he converted his lounge into a twenty foot pool we have heard nothing but splashing and as for the penguins that keep running around the landing it's getting annoying. I'm told he's getting a dolphin delivered this week so looks like we are going to be treated to endless clicking.'

'Well, I'll try and keep the noise down a bit, fancy Roger having a walrus, a bit weird isn't it?'

'That isn't the half of it, you know what number 73 has on the floor above?'

'No?'

'Haven't you noticed the cracks in your roof and the loud roars late at night, or notice glasses of water to suddenly tremor?'

'Well, maybe, I just thought it was to do with the bonfire I had last week drying the ceiling out a little too much.'

'Well he's only gone and put a Jurrasic Park in his hallway, you can't bloody shift for Tyrannasaurus Rex's and Pterodactyls. I told the council about it but they said they didn't have any procedures to deal with prehistoric creatures in council flats unless it was a neglect case, even then they only have nets capable of catching a small dog. Bloody useless. Only last week Mrs Bundle was mugged by a Raptor, the whole things got out of hand if you ask me.'

'Oh, I didn't know that.'

'Anyway mate, I have just heard my elephant call, he loves his sugar lumps. Just keep the noise down a little eh?'

'No problem.'

Click, the door shuts.

'Mabel, unbelievable, you will never guess what I have just found out!!'

'What's that Stan?'

'Elephants like sugar lumps, who'd have thought it.'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals