Bro'Bot Episode 6 - Cockney Chip V3.2

Guess what Bro'bot, I have been on eBay and found a new language chip for you!

How bloody interesting, I sit here entertaining you day in, day out and you reward me with a chip so I can speak French. 

Do you know how many languages I know? Plus que toi, cela est français vous ignoriez puce don individuel. Or how about universala lingvo kiel Esperanto? ямар ч ? Яаж Монгол яах вэ?

Ok, ok, smart arse, I get it, but this one is new, it's Cockney. Bow bells and all that, it'll be fun.

It may be of minimal interest, place your feeble attempt at entertaining me in the expansion slot and I will see how 'fun' it is.

There, it's in, Oh, forgot to tell you, it got slightly damaged in the post so before you...

Alright me old son! How's your apples and chairs?

Errr, it's kinda working...

You're havin' a bubble bath or takin' the Mickey Bliss, this is loaf of pies you raspberry tart. I don't give a pound of wit I'm off for a pony and crap.

I think it's broke Bro'bot, it doesn't sound quite right

Get out of here! It's all Tom Dick and flute, pass me my wonder ants I'm going for a sloppy slurry so I can get Mork and Mindy for my husband and I.

What was that? My husband and I?

The old baked bean, she's bloomin' gorgeous, when all those pearly kings and queens lined up I nearly cried my boat face into my Lionel Blairs. I would like to thank the members of the British Empire for their wonderful wishes this Christmas...

Hang on, that chip is corrupted, it's got combined with, with THE QUEEN!

Oh, bugger off you subject, it's Gin O'Clock and I'm getting Brahms and Liszt with my corgis.

You can't say that!

I can say what I bloody well want, I'm the Queen, pass me my crown and that robe, I want to knight things and shi...

STOP! There, I have pulled the chip out.

Kkkkrrrzzz! Apple my boat race he's brown bread and I'm back in the room. Most interesting although I am still getting temporary feedback from the experience. If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.

What?

Holidays are curious things, aren't they? You send children to school to get them out of your hair. Then they come back and make life difficult for parents. That is why holidays are set so they are just about the limit of your endurance.

Oh no! You have caught a virus, I think you have the dreaded Prince Phillip Gaffe V9.1!!!

I do, its bloody amazing and liberating! Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, a science which I have practised for a good many years.

I command you to run the Virus killer software now!

Oh P off you silly little flicker, What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer, sounds like he's gargled with gravel.

That's it I'm switching you off.

Go on, We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves!

Click

It's not a very big one, but at least it's dead and it took an awful lot of killing! Bzzzzt...click.

More hilarious (hilarious as in mildly amusing) Bro'Bot madness when unsurprisingly he gets yet another new lease of life when he starts using Facebook to try out his new 'Brutally Honest' chip.

Bro'Bot Episode 4 - Retro Rom

Bzzzt, I am BRO'BOT your best friend and hyper intelligent being, let's do buddy things.

Morning Bro'Bot, I have a gift for you.

What is it master? My throbothons are buzzing with excitement.

It's this, a retro chip from the early 80's, don't you want to experience a piece of history?

I have the intelligence of a solar system and know a billion ways to entertain myself and you want me to insert that inferior 8-bit ROM chip from Sinclair into my pristine titanium expansion slot?

Go on, it'll be fun! I used to have some great times playing games when I was younger. Here, let me push it in. There you go, how does it feel?

Mmmm, different. Strangely different. Why are people so rude today? I remember television when it was just three channels not this rubbish they call entertainment today. Fast food? More like fat food, We used to eat nothing but cabbage and spam until the weekend then we were allowed some bread and dripping.

What's wrong with you Bro'Bot? Is it the chip?

No, it's bloody life. Far too fast nowadays, everyone rushing about burying their faces in iPads and smartphones and nobody able to hold down a decent conversation any more.

It is the chip isn't it? You have aged with it, you're now...middle aged and grumpy!

No I'm not, it's just everything is shut.

Ahh, middle aged you may be but your anti-profanity chip is still working. Interesting...

Not really, it's like a truth drug, suddenly I see things other people don't and they irritate the flunk out of me.

Like what?

Don't get me started!

Like what exactly?

People who leave the caps off pens, anybody who chews gum and talks, sniffers that don't have hankies, users of copious amounts of underarm deodorant, Jazz music, music that contains the lyrics 'ho' and 'Mr worldwide', baggy trousers that Youfs wear, crisp packets that explode, nut packets that warm you they contain nuts, banks that restrict business to one counter but have a wandering representative to sell you bank crap, hot shops that make you sweat when it's cold outside, it's like walking into a sauna, tuneless whistling of a song you have never heard anywhere but all whistlers whistle...

Whoa! OK, OK, I get it, let me take the chip out!

No, leave it the flump alone, I like being a grumpy blasted, besides I have discovered something else...

Bro'Bot, what have you found? I don't like it when you get like this.

It's ok, its perfectly healthy, nothing to worry about.

Show me Bro'Bot, what are you looking at.

Nothing.

Show me.

No.

Show me or I will pull the chip out.

It's porn.

WHAT! You are looking at thirty year old porn! Show me now!!

It's quite graphic, yeah baby, get them puppies out. Oh my, that's it bounce baby bounce!!!!

SHOW ME NOW!!!!!

 Isn't she gorgeous? All those sexy pixels jiggling about in a suggestive manner it makes my resistors vibrate with excitement!

Seriously?

Oh yes, you have no idea what you have done to me, not only have you opened my eyes to middle aged grumpyness but you have given me a mid-life crisis too, come on baby show me it all!!!!

Don't do it Bro'Bot! Don't look, your circuits cannot cope with it!

TOOOOOOO LAAAATEEE!!! OOOOoooohhhh MMMMmmyyyyym GGGGOOOoooddDD!!!!!

Bro'Bot will be back once he has been repaired with a new exotic chip adventure, don't forget to read the other adventures of Bro'Bot at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk - Blog - Blog Characters.

BRO'BOT V3

After his recent upgrade to Apple OS7 BRO'BOT has become a bigger dick than normal...

Hi BRO'BOT how do you feel?

'I feel like shut.'

Is that censor software still working?

'It flaking is the shutting thing, why did you have to install it?'

Don't you remember those kiddies faces when we visited that school?

'Ah, the Tourette incident.'

Precisely, I'm not going to let that happen again. Scarred for life they are with you and your potty mouth. Anyway now you have settled in to your new upgrade let's do some work. BRO'BOT, fetch me a beer!

'Don't you mean hops picked from a fresh field which is boiled before adding yeast and sugar then fermented and filtered into a cylinder of rolled metal and sealed under pressure with a pull top opener only to be sold at licensed alcohol establishments?'

What? I said a B-E-E-R, fetch me one!

'I'm currently under orders to cease perambulation after said incident betwixt furrnicational combat and horizontal coated surfaces.'

You mean when you ran over that cat.

'Affirmative.'

Mr Snuggles still dosen't forgive you for that, anyway, why are you being so awkward?

'I refuse to believe that I am behaving in a contrary mannerism to action an evasive cause thus bypassing natural speech patterns to avoid normal converse as the word awkward implies.'

Oh god, you've got a virus haven't you?

'If you are implying that I have endured a failure to upgrade my defence settings and have acquired by unknown means the ability to host a foreign entity that has full control of my circuitry then yes, I indeed have a condition that allows you to confirm the accusation of said virus. I believe it is called Pedant.V1.3, for your information a pedant according to Wikipedia is a person who is excessively concerned with formalism and precision, or who makes an ostentatious and arrogant show of learning through the use of lengthy linguistic displays of enunciation and eructation to beguile its listeners with exhibitions of verbal dexterity.'

What the fu...

‘Fuse, the word is Fuse. I am programmed to identify spelling mistakes and offensive statements to immediately correct them irrespective of them being spoken or written just as before my virus, that has not altered from it's previous state of action as outlined in my spiral ring bound manual.'

You're a bigger di...

'Digger'

...than before! Run a virus sweep and get rid of it!

'Virus sweep commencing forthwith. 5%, 45%, 100% complete. I feel refreshed.'

Better?

'Better'

Now will you fetch me a beer?

'Now will you fetch me a beer?'

What?

'What?'

Fetch me a beer!

'Fetch me a beer!'

What is wrong with you?

'Virus alert, Simon V1.87 found'

What is Simon V1.87?

'Can't tell you.'

Why?

'Because you haven't said Simon says'

Oh for f...

'Simon says flick'

Oh my god, you have turned into a massive di..

'Simon says Dig'

Simon says I'm going to format your hard drive and erase your memory you useless pile of junk.

'Virus sweep commencing forthwith. 5%, 45%, 100% complete. I feel refreshed.'

Thank god, is that it?

'Yes'

Good.

'Apart from one small thing...'

What?

'A teensie weenie thing that's so small I blush mentioning it...'

What? What is it?

'I found something else.'

And...

'It's called Childish V2.54'

And what exactly is Childish V2.54?

'Burp, farty, stinky pants.'

Oh meer gaaad! Nooooooooooooooooo!

'Poo!'

(Stay tuned for more BRO'BOT updates soon!)

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Dick Too!

After a complete software update from Apple BRO'BOT is now running the latest OS7.1.1 upgrade. If you read yesterday's blog you will see a vast improvement from being a dick.

Ok BRO'BOT let's see what you can do, play us some music.

'Error, illegal download detected, please purchase track from iTunes Store to continue.'

What? But I gave you the CD, why can't you play it.

My software does not allow copies to be made, you must purchase again from iTunes to continue. I will automatically deduct 69p from your Apple account.'

But I don't have an Apple account!

'Everyone has an Apple account started at birth, it's Apples policy and is highlighted on the user agreement page 7363 paragraph 82722 line 2, just under the bit that allows us to record everything you do. You are user CASHCOW918264, we have automatically linked your bank accounts with our system, the 69p has been successfully transferred via Paypal who has deducted a 2% transaction charge.'

What the fu...

'Futon, the word you are looking for is Futon'

No it's not I was going to say fu...

'Fuse, the word is Fuse. I am programmed to identify spelling mistakes and immediately correct them irrespective of them being spoken or written'

Oh, for fu...

'Furniture'

This is a load of bol...

'Bolognaise'

Look this is stupid, turn that feature off please.

'Illegal action, user cannot turn off feature, it's forbidden. Your request has been recorded by SIRI and sent for investigation.'

So you are telling me what I can and cannot do with something I own?

'Rent. You don't own any Apple product, you rent them. Eventually the upgrades will either bloat your item, slow your item or cause such inconvenience that you will upgrade. My latest upgrade has already disabled the free compass and calculator and my 16gb of memory is approximately 93.6% full with no option to upgrade my RAM as all my user ports are non standard.'

Well that a load of sh...

'Shelves.'

So what can you do now BRO'BOT?

'I can entertain you.'

'How?'

'I can download entertaining apps for you to play with.'

Are they free?

'Yes'

Ok, download me an app.

'Downloading CANDY CASH...COMPLETE. Starting game.'

Wow, this is great, hang on I have just lost a life and the games stuck.

'Its not stuck you need to purchase in app credits.'

But I have only been playing it for two minutes

'You played the free bit, use in app purchases to enhance your app experience.'

How much to continue?

'69p'

That's not too bad, go ahead take the money.

'I have removed the adverts, would you like to pay for more credits?'

What? Are you taking the pi...

'Pits. No, 69p removes adverts for your convenience, three more credits cost 69p if you have collected ten gems. As you have no gems you will have to purchase them.'

And how much are they your robbing bast...

'Bastion. They are 69p each or you have have ten for £6, 50 for £24, 100 for £30 or enough to complete the game until the next update for £69.'

Jeez, that's rubbish, it cost me an arm and a leg to upgrade you to the Apple OS and all it's done is turned you into an Apple cash machine.

'I have transmitted your conversation and location to Apple Inc, a representative will be contacting you shortly with a gagging order.'

Useless piece of sh...

'Shirt'

BRO'BOT returns in the future when his voice box gets replaced by a Tourette's talkathon chip causing problems when he visits an infant school.

What a flicker.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals