Aunt Hobby Horse

Aunt Hobby Horse, Britain's only genuine psychic agony aunt and hobby consultant horse. First questions please.

Dear Hobby Horse,

I have developed an unhealthy relationship with fruit. I find myself caressing melons in the supermarket, fondling bananas suggestively at the checkout and generally making a fool of myself with cherries. Now its gotten worse, over the last few days I have been leaving fruit sculptures on my neighbours doorstep, they finally caught me last night when I was about to suggestively place two oranges either side of the biggest banana I have ever seen. What can I do about it?

A Fruity Fondler, Chiswick

My what a lather we are in! Don't worry, you're not alone dear, fruit fetishes are unfortunately quite common, I often get aroused when I touch a strawberry for example and I'm sure many other people will have experienced the sharp thrill from a ripe bunch of grapes. However it can be a problem, may I suggest taking up a hobby and going on a fruit basket arranging course, this will help you with your fetish by providing hands on fruit experience in a controlled environment with other sufferers. It will even have the bonus that when you next leave suggestive fruit sculptures on random doorsteps they will look more attractive. Hang on, my psychic guide has appeared and wants me to tell you something. 'Yes Geronimo, I'll tell them'.

Geronimo my spirit goat guide says 'Use vegetables instead of fruit for your sculpture, a large marrow straddling two King Edward potatoes makes a far more suggestive statement, also buy a pig, you can feed it any leftovers when you have finished with the fruit and veg.' There you are dear, problem solved.

Dear Hobby Horse,

I live in a light house perched on a single rock two miles away from land and time on my own weighs heavy, can you suggest any ideal hobbies to take up and beat the boredom?

On My Lonesome, A Rock, Atlantic.

Well, I do have a few suggestions you may not have tried. How about pig training? Pigs are incredibly intelligent and can be trained to do many things, how about trying to be the first to teach a pig to sing? Or maybe chess is more your thing, in that case teach your new piggy friend Kasparov's opening moves and advanced checkmate gambits. Another idea is drop darts. If you have never heard of drop darts it's a game where you place a dartboard on the floor and drop darts from a height onto the board. Participants must be at least fifty feet up to start and have three darts each, being in a light house height should not be a problem and the run up and down the 276 steps after every three darts will keep you fit and trim. You could even train your pig to play and even send him down to retrieve the darts, although they are intelligent enough to know when you push it and if the mood takes them they can devour a whole body bones and all. Simples.

Dear Hobby Horse,

My house is haunted, last week a strange object in my house started to make a funny ringing noise, when I found it and picked it up the ringing stopped and all I could hear was a voice saying 'Hello?, Hello?' over and over again, but here's the weird thing, there was nobody in the room with me! I'm scared, the voice has moved to a box in the corner of the room that when I press a button it lights up and strange people start talking, if I look closely I can see small ghosts trapped inside the box. What shall I do, I'm at the end of my tether!

May Need Glasses, Hull.

Get out of your house now, it's definitely haunted by poltergeists and evil spirits. I will be round with my spirit goat Geronimo to perform a genuine exorcism on your haunted box. To pass the time take up a hobby like stamp collecting, it's a rewarding hobby and allows you to explore the world through stamps whilst taking your mind off the spirit world. Maybe consider taking in a lodger, a pig lodger, that way you can earn some extra income and pigs are well known to scare away ghosts with their awkward and strange corkscrew tail.

Dear Hobby Horse,

My husband has run off with a miniature pony, I only discovered the affair when I found hay in the bed and my lipstick smelt of horse. He did the same thing years ago with a shire horse but I still took him back even though he had trouble walking. I'm a fool I know and should have suspected earlier when he bought me a saddle and stirrups. Looking back whipping me to the tune of Black Beauty whilst getting me to bang two coconut halves together should have raised my suspicions. He's currently living in 'sin' at a council flat in Cricklewood, I only know this because I saw him at McDonalds with 'her', she was whinnying and flicking her tail like the tart she is and I followed them back home where I saw her draw the curtains with her teeth.

What shall I do? Do I try and win him back? Do I take him back? Please help!

Frustrated Filly, Cricklewood.

Take up fly fishing, it's a rewarding past time and it will allow you to reflect on your position. I have consulted Geronimo about your problem and he offers a bit of advice 'Buy a pig, they are easy to train and make ideal companions.' Pigs, it's the future!

Today's blog has been bought to you by the Pig Marketing Board, Buy Pig, it contains no horse.

 

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