Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Cash In!

It's that time again when mediocre films attempt to entertain us during our soggy summers with promised thrills and spills. Why waste money when you can cash in using this handy app I have found. Make squillions just like I did, buy a home in LA, have twenty six cars and a garage the size of Huddersfield, make dreams come true!

Thrillspill's Summer Blockbuster Script'O'Matic, your automatic award winning hit making script app. Make £££'s from the comfort of your home, become a movie mogul overnight. Win screen writing Oscars using our innovative multiple choice questionnaire software, simply select one from each selection to create the perfect blockbuster.


The scene opens on a (Hot, Cold, Wet, Foggy, Snowy, Beach) day in (London, Crewe, Mansfield, Bahamas, Tesco's Car Park, The Public Toilets).

Actor A - (Jim, Simon, Arthur the Penguin, A Small Dog Called Colin, Muriel Stuffitup) is (Sitting, Standing, Eating A Banana Obscenely, Thrusting, Reading, Smiling, Wondering What The Hole In The Wall Is) when Actor B - (Alice, Gertrude, A Large Cow Called Max Moo, A Fish Finger) enters the scene.

'Oh No!' Actor B exclaims, (The Dogs Exploded, I Ate Yellow Snow And It Doesn't Taste Like Lemonade , I'm Drunk Again, I Can't Stop Trumping, You Will Never Believe It!, It Will Never Fit).

Actor A stops what they are doing and replies ('Are You Sure?, Does It Hurt?, What Do You Mean It's Too Big?, Will It Fit Sideways?, If It Was A Snake You'd Be Impressed, Calm Down Dear, It's Only A Script'

Actor A slowly raises their hand to their brow. 'I have something to tell you' Actor B. 'I'm (The Offspring Of The Hoff, Basil Brush Is Not Real, Yoda I Am, Leaving You For A Chimpanzee, Secret Squirrel And I Demand To See Your Nuts )'

Suddenly (Tom And Jerry Burst Throught The Door Followed By A Bulldog, An Out Of Control Satellite Crash Lands Blowing Out The Doorway, Gunfire Blows Out The Doorframe, Justin Bieber Announces He Is To Stop Singing And The Door Explodes With Relief, There Is A Knock On The Door)

Actor A and Actor B look at the door and decide to (Have A Custard Pie Fight Then Storm A Plane Containing Snakes Using Sharpened Combs As Weapons, Fight The Alien Menace Using A Floppy Disc On Independance Day, Struggle Against The End Of The World By Tying A Firecracker To The Meteor Hurling Our Way, Allow Raptors To Develop In Jurassic Park So They Can Make Plenty Of Sequels Where They Can Open Doors, Slap Each Other On The Back Then Shave Their Heads Whilst Climbing Into Cars To Drive Away Furiously, Rehash A Superhero To Cash In, Make Yet Another Sequel)

Finally the scene ends when (The World Is Saved, The Alien Menace Is Defeated, A Shark Is Blown To Bits, Aliens Are Contacted, The Death Star Is Destroyed Again, Enough Things Have Been Blown Up Or Smashed To Bits, The Bomb Is Diffused And The Bus Stops, Zombies Eat Them, The Benny Hill Theme Tune Plays And They All Chase Each Other)

Choose Your Budget -

£26 and a used bus ticket

£1999 and a mobile phone camera

£20,000 and the use of a borrowed camcorder

£200,000,000 and a team of 1000's

Final check list -

Check script, get actors, film it, flog it, sit back and rake in all the moolah.

Well done, you are a movie legend, now go out and get wasted until you buy a pet monkey and drive a car into a swimming pool.


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