Monday, August 12, 2013

Film'84 With Barry Nomanwisdom

Welcome to Film'84 and this weeks bumper crop of releases sees a similar theme entering our theatres. Lets kick if off with Jurassic Pork, the strange tale of an island turned into a prehistoric theme park by a incompetent billionaire with a penchant for facial hair. Pretty soon it gets rather exciting and ends up in a barbecue explosion of sausage meat as a rampant seventy two foot old spot meats its maker. (See what I did there MrGrimsdale?)

In Bonds latest adventure the criminal mastermind Donald McRonald plans to take over the world with his new fattening device cunningly disguised as a chain of loosely speaking restaurants. Bond soon discovers his devious plans after an altercation over a Happy Meal Poker Tournament and launches a tirade of abuse at staff over a gherkin left in his martini. Full of sultry 'burger me' scenes from the Bond girls and lots of shouting and explosions over the deep fat fryer ending in a countertop shoot out using only polystyrene boxes as cover. Thrilling with cheese!

From its opening you know you are going to be in for thrills and spills after strip after strip is masticated to the tune of Danger Zone. High speed dogfights as both Maverick and Cougar have a Wrigley's chew off cumulative in a gum bubble blowout suffocating the pint sized star.

I ain't afraid of no toast! Spooky goings on as rampant toasters terrorise New York spouting ectoslices and spreadable jams willy nilly. Or intrepid team of Toastbusters wade into the action and try to close the portal to another dimension and avoid Crumpetpocalypse. Butter your baps, ready your whole meal, toastbusting doesn't get any better than this.

Finally a weepy, watch as a young boy tries to release a trapped Brie from captivity. Watch with amazement as you realise that it's really, really crap and this blog entry is clutching at straws in an attempt to brighten up Monday mornings. If you thought that Mr Cage had been in some poor films then consider the sequel to Face Off...

In order to soufflé him, he must preheat him.

Coming soon to an alternative universe near you. Other alternative universes are available, terms and conditions apply.


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