Thursday, November 07, 2013

Nosey Parker

Hi, my name is Sarah Jessica Parker and this is my problem page, how can I help you?

Dear SJP,

I love pickled onions and always fancied pickling my own but when I started to collect jars for my first batch I returned home to find my husband using them for storing screws and washers. Needless to say I was devastated, how can I save my marriage from such a selfish person?

Mrs B.Bop Talula, Cinncinatti

Calm down dear, pickled onions can be the cause of many marriage breakups and many a glass jars have come between wedded bliss. As a simple solution lure your husband into the bedroom then brick up the doorway and windows. His pathetic mewls for release will soon be muffled and you can empty out all his screws and washers without retribution. Adding a punch of five spice to your vinegar will pep your onions up no end.

Dear SJP,

I have a bald patch that is slowly getting bigger the older I get and I have lost that magic feeling. Some mornings I can't even raise a smile never mind my wand and the last time I said 'it's magic' it felt like I was saying 'it's tragic', what can I do to get the magic back in my life?

Mr P.Daniels, Top Hat, Magicshire

Oh dear you are in a lather, a simple solution to the age old problem of getting a bald patch can be simply overcome by waving your magic wand and saying the words 'Hairius Bonce Growius Maximus' then colouring in the bald patch with felt tips. You will feel 'magic' in seconds and your wand will be ready for action once again.

Dear SJP,

I have just pretended to speak on an unconnected phone and a make believe person has asked you if you will accept £1.59, do we have a deal?

Mr Edmunds, I Talk To Bankers

We do have a problem don't we dear, fantasies about Blobbies, Crinklybottoms and that ventriloquists beard you sport is quite disturbing, now we find out that you talk to imaginary people trying to buy empty cardboard boxes from them. Go up to £1.60 and we have a deal.

Dear SJP,

I fell downstairs in a tragic knitting accident, tragically my gold fish ran away, my husband left me tragically for a border collie named Derek then I tragically crashed my car into a swimming pool full of baked beans and my house burned down after a tragic accident with a jar of marmalade, finally in a tragic bizarre accident I got my hand caught in a tiger and subsequently have to wear gauntlets everywhere I go. My problem is this, how do I stop Bitstrips on my Facebook newsfeed?

Mrs P Leasestopit, Tillit, Herts

Oh, I know dear! the place is positively full of the stuff. Simply create a new account with Facebook and don't ask anybody to be friends, that way your newsfeed will always be free of clutter and you can post and comment on your own page without worrying that friends will see those embarrassing posts and pictures of you naked swinging from a lamppost singing Dancing Queen and swigging from a bottle of Vodka like I did last week.

Dear SJP,

Why is your hair so perfect?

Mr Alberto Balsam, Wig, Toupee

Thank you so much dahlink, it's because I'm worth it you cheeky monkey!

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