Hello lovies, it's that time of year to see what the future holds for you and I know your all dying to find out so without further ado here's your guide to the stars 2014.
Being a star sign you love water although according to your friends you should have a bath more often. Start as you mean to go on an have a good wash dearie, you will feel a whole lot better and people will no longer give you a wide berth or call you 'stinky'. It will be a year of ups and downs, in July you will go in holiday for several weeks in Spain lifting your spirits, on the final day you will be washed away by a freak wave just as you are being chatted up by Georgio the Spanish waiter and end up marooned on a island in Tobago. You will make friends with a monkey and live a frugal lifestyle existing on coconuts and guava leaves. You will be rescued in November and decide to marry your monkey who after a shave looks remarkably like George Clooney so the year ends happy but you have to live with an addiction to bananas.
This is a remarkable year for you, on the 30th February all your dreams will come true. Only joking, you are the gullible star sign and will fall for anything. Did you know April Fools day is on the 1st of May this year? Ha! Got you again sucker! By March you will have replied to thirty bogus emails and sent £20,000 to a young gentleman in the Congo whilst you sit patiently for him to return the favour and deposit £1.2 million in your Post Office account. On the plus side you answered all the emails to extend your penis and it's now 235 feet long.
Born under this sign really sucks, if it wasn't for bad luck you would have no luck at all. In February you will be hit by a building brick thrown by an otter, in March you will fall over a small tap dancing dog in the street who will then proceed to maul you for ruining his act. April is no better, your Easter egg contains broken glass and in May you get accidentally tied to a May pole whilst ten Morris dancers beat four shades of brown out of you with pig bladders on sticks. June and July are taken up with various hospital visits in three countries and in August your cruise ship sinks. In October your pumpkin catches fire and your costume gets you arrested. Fireworks cause problems in November when one shoots up your trouser leg and explodes in your pants. Thankfully December is a good month, you only have the uncomfortable experience of tripping into a box of glass baubles head first and burning your chestnuts on an open fire, unfortunately third degree burns of your chestnuts mean you will spend Christmas in hospital. Enjoy.
Romance will come your way this year when you get the chance to meet a celebrity. You will build a happy relationship together despite your age difference. By July you will have bought a house together, your marriage will be in November, a whirlwind romance that will leave you at the end of the year a proud Mrs Basil Brush.
Oh dearie, looks like we have run out of time, I didn't see that coming.
Pity me, I'm only five foot tall but weigh 220lbs and can talk to spirits, I suppose I'm a small medium at large.
Hang on, the spirits are talking to me again.
What's that? Speak up.
What on earth could that be about, spirits?