Early on today a woman apparently phoned the Wether Channel to ask if there was a hurricane on the way, well dear I can categorically that there is no such thing as hurricane weather, they were fighter planes in WWII and we don't expect any to fly over this weekend you daft old bat.
On Friday we are expecting a sunny spell, this spell will only last ten second in any one given area with a shaft of sun no bigger than a gnats chuff. This is its path for all you sun worshippers out there just in case you were looking for the blistering summer I predicted.
Eventually it will flick off to the continent whilst the south will experience some drizzle later Friday with the occasion hell fire and damnation, it will be breezy at times with the possibility of uprooted trees and any house made of straw by three little piggies under threat.
Further north the East Midlands will have a period of warmth, at times it will feel like you are sitting in the direct glare of a magnifying glass with temperatures reaching a comfortable 600 degrees Fahrenheit, spontaneous combustion of flatulence gases is a possibility and you are warned to stay away from brussels, beans and curries. Curries are especially dangerous as they may cause a curricane in these volatile conditions. Elsewhere will be hail storming snow with lightening. Bunting will also fly in further north to cheer everyone up.
By Saturday morning the heat will have turned the East Midlands into a mountain of Magma, but don't worry, it's grim up there and nobody will notice.
By Saturday afternoon we have the first weather front approaching us. Called a fat front it will hit around 4:34pm and be preceded by a row of marching cats. Make sure you have your cat protection barriers in place. The burger rain will be heavier than expected with much of the UK covered in moo cow by the morning. Caution is advised, if you have any unnecessary journeys to make then make them now.
Sunday will be an unfunny day with a few scattered Bob Carolgees, it will be spitting it down I think the common phrase is whilst up in Scotland they have the unfortunate added problem of a large Russell Grant coming from the North. Bet they didn't see that coming.
So absolutely no need to worry this weekend, sit back and enjoy. I will be sat with my feet up twenty two feet down in a secret BBC bunker waxing my moustache and playing with my 'Weather Kids' playset. Have a safe weekend.