I am Rajah The Great, the only soothsaying tiger on Blackpool sea front. What may I predict for you today?
Well, sometimes I think I'm a lion. I don't know if it's my hair or that I occasionally like to hunt gazelles in Tesco's. Anyway, I would like to know If I should approach my new neighbour. You see they are very gazelle like and I'm not sure if I could trust myself not to take a leg off in conversation.
I heard that! It's bad enough you're my neighbour with all your roaring at two in the morning and the party the other night when you were chasing zebras around your lawn was disgusting. I'm still picking up bits of mane, what on earth did you get up to?
Ahh yes, sorry 'bout that. I got carried away when our 'snacks' escaped and we had to round them up. It won't happen again, I have hired a professional chef for the next one, you may know him, it's foul mouthed Gordon Whimsy.
What the f@&! Do you f@!?£&/ mean? Are you f@&?!?! stupid? Who writes this thing?
Unfortunately dear blog readers we have had to sack today guest writer Peter Panda because quite frankly it is so random that I'm awfully confused and I can't even guess how confused you are on a Monday morning. Instead here's a few new words to be used at work today.
You think you have heard somebody whisper but it's only when you turn around and open your mouth to ask that you inhale a rumblytumbly let loose by a colleague who then grins at you. 'You Mumblewhiff one more time and I'll shove a cork in it!'
Someone who talks endlessly about nothing in particular who you would quite happily silence with a chair leg.
Flaccid ham sandwiches at any work function.
Time spent avoiding work whilst sat in a toilet cubicle reading the paper.
Not only do they talk out of it but they have their head so far up it fits perfectly.
Normal'ish service will return tomorrow with a buffers guide on how to win an Oscar and trampolining for cats Pt VII - The triple backflip.