Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Holiday Companion

I am Travel-Tron, your handy app to help you on your world travels in our International multicultural world. I detect that you are in England and I have adjusted my common phrases to help you. Please find my helpful suggestions to situations you may find in the countries you will visit.

'Vine aquí para una cerveza y una pelea y me he quedado sin cervezas'

I came here for a beer and a fight and I'm all out of beers.

'Disculpe señor, hay un toro en mi habitación con un sombrero de pequeña'

Excuse me sir, there is a bull in my room wearing a small hat.

'La última cosa que recuerdo es cantar como Doris Day y correr desnudo por el vestíbulo, ¿podría decirme cómo llegar al baño más cercano como me temo que puedo lanzar'

The last thing I remember is singing like Doris Day and running naked through the foyer, could you please direct me to the nearest toilet as I fear I may hurl

I detect you are about to embark to Brazil, here are some useful Portuguese phrases, it may be useful to copy them out on small cards to hold up as you will have difficulty saying them with your northern accent.

Me gustaría informar que he perdido mi peine durante los disparos, gritos y sirenas afuera de mi puerta anoche antes de ser degradado por varios hombres enmascarados que me ataban a la cama y saquearon mi equipaje. He tenido ese hombre peine y el niño, si alguien se lo da en por favor me informen inmediatamente.

I would like to report I have lost my comb during the gunfire, screams and sirens outside my door last night before it was broken down by several masked men who tied me to the bed and ransacked my luggage. I have had that comb man and boy, if anybody hands it in please inform me immediately.

¿Sabes Copacabana de Barry Manilow, oigo su una melodía pegadiza.

Do you know Copacabana by Barry Manilow, I hear its a catchy tune.

Haga el favor de liberar mis bolas, que escuece.

Will you please release my balls, it smarts.

Usted es un hombre!

You are a man!

According to your Facebook posts we have automatically linked to this app we see you are about to go to Skegness, here's some traditional translations for you to try on the locals.


Alrate yoof, note rammel in skeggy

Are you alright young man? There's nothing rubbish in Skegness.

Avin a piddle up jitty

Relieving oneself in a small alleyway

Other words you may find useful

Snap - food, lunch, Blubber - to cry or weep, Mash - to brew as in 'mash a cup of tea'. Not to be tried south of Birmingham as you will end up with a mug full of potato.

Usefull terms to remember when visiting Willy Wonka's factory.

A Tummyscrummy

A delightful piece of confection that makes your stomach sing

The Wangfoodle Room

A place where Foodle is created by several Wangs who knit Foodle from candy floss and liquorice laces.


Wonka's latest invention the Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb, a sugar coated almond sized sweet that tastes of strawberry which then melts away to an ice cream coating still frozen before the heat of your tongue activates the chocolate center which then explodes coating the inside of your mouth with some of the most fantastic chocolate you have ever tasted.


You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

Thankyou for using Travel-Tron, further country translation packs are available at 0.69p each. Just added Sweary Mary for four letter fun in any language, buy two and get Slur Translator absolutely free, decipher any language no matter how drunk they are.

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