We all could do with brushing up our etiquette skills so this handy guide will help you become the perfect 'Come Dine With Me' guest. At no expense I have enlisted the help of Reginald Oscar Smyth Smyth Ponsonby Wooster Comfy Cushion, a renowned butler to the stars to compile this etiquette bible.
Maintain the correct posture at all times. Hold onto your cutlery with both elbows on the table so they remain at ninety degrees. Bang them occasionally if the food is not arriving fast enough. All drinks must be slurped, the same goes for soup and spaghetti.
When dining it is acceptable, indeed encouraged by people of a certain social standing to gobble your food as fast as possible, achieve it at greater speed by moving all the food to create a line down the centre of the plate then dispensing of all cutlery pick up the said plate and tip the food into your mouth, eat this with your mouth open at all times. Once complete burp loudly, pass wind if you can and announce that it was indeed fine grub and you will be passing a mountain tomorrow when it gets through your system. This acts as an indicator to your hosts that you are indeed enjoying their food and your manner dictates that you come from a privileged background.
Sit down. Anywhere you like, even at the head of the table or next to a guest you have taken a shine too. Talk about medical procedures, illness, religion and sex freely, boast about everything and interrupt other guests as they will find it amusing. Get up and get yourself another drink if you are running dry and feel free to pop in to the kitchen and interfere with the cooking, adding salt if required. Forget napkins, tuck the table cloth into your clothing and wipe your hands on the curtains.
Some Do's for the table
DO spit unwanted food into plant pots, hankies etc.
DO kick other guests under the table.
DO rest your arms on the back of other guests chairs.
Talk with your mouthful to keep the conversation going. Point at fellow guests with your knife to get your point across and drop the occasional piece of cutlery so you can legitimately get under the table and have a look around. Make sure your elbows hit fellow guests when eating and don't forget to hit them on the back after you tell a raunchy joke.
In between courses it is permissible to pick your teeth or nose, use anything that is at hand, toothpicks, matches and spoons are your friend. Photograph courses and post them on Facebook and Instagram with witty captions like "For what I am about to receive the pigs have just refused" and "lol". If you don't like something make a fuss, hosts like nothing better than a guest that speaks their mind. Don't like turnips? then tell them they have cooked the most awful food you have ever tasted in your life and spit it back out onto your plate.
Food and how to tackle it.
Asparagus - long thin and green you may not be familiar with this, put one up each nostril and scare the host by hiding behind a door if you wish to be flash, otherwise just pick it up and push it in like one long train, it is considered offensive to bite it before it is all inserted. Quiz fellow guests on wether asparagus makes their pee smell and ask for proof.
Cheese - no matter what cheeses are presented always massacre them before other guests by cutting them into small pieces no bigger than 1cm square. Soft cheeses may of course be flattened by using the back of a spoon or a side plate.
Escargots - snails. Flatly refuse to eat snails as they remind you of Brian the Snail from The Magic Roundabout. Have a hissy fit if any other guests eat one and proclaim they have murdered Brian. Stab them in the back of the hand with a fork if they try to eat another.
Fish - if its not fish fingers its not real fish so avoid all 'fresh' fish as imposters. If you must eat fish cover it in brown sauce first to mask the unnatural 'fishy' taste.
If you spill red wine immediately take the white wine and throw it over your host for good luck and to further increase your luck throw salt onto the stain and rub it in. Apply brown or red sauce to detract from the awful red wine colour you will leave, a splash of colour never hurt any one.
Yes please! Champagne corks should be fired off at any fragile objects, breaking ornaments with corks is a skill admired by many so shake any bottles of fizz before opening for maximum force. Guests at the end of a night should be incapable of coherrant speech and walk as if their legs have not been introduced to each other, if this is not the case make sure you have a skin full before dining. Spiking drinks is considered a hoot as is shot gunning.
Useful Dinner Party Phrases
'Nice spread' Polite way to compliment a guest.
'Are you a leg or breast man?' Useful for chicken courses.
'I'll have a bit of dick please' Common phrase for a popular pudding.
'Get your baps out' Use when asking for bread rolls.
'I see you don't do cooking' Use when any course lacks pazazz.
'Quiet everyone, quiet. There's someone at the door' Pleasant way to announce the breaking of wind.
What To Wear
For fancy dress go naked with bits of sand paper over your naughty bits for a unique take on Dick Emery, otherwise go dressed exactly as your host and mock them all night. Hilarious. For evening dress wear what you would wear at home, pyjamas, slippers, nightdress, whatever takes your fancy, for extra points turn up with rollers in your hair and carrying a half drank bottle of scotch. Going to a black tie event? Then do just that, go starkers apart from a black tie, it's expected at these posh do's.
Other Useful Things
Arrive late, slump in all chairs and appear uninterested and yawn if you find somebody boring. Allow your tongue to meet your fork before it enters your mouth. Offer to cut other people's food up if you think they are unable.
Finally, Conversation and Opening Lines For Winning Topics.
'Did you know it's possible to guess someone's sex with 95% accuracy just by smelling their breath?'
'The average person will pass around 1,100 gallons of urine during their lifetime.'
'I own 16,526 used toilet rolls from around the world, would you like to see them?'
'Touch this. Doctors are baffled but its not contagious I'm told even though its weeping'
'The last time I went to a dinner party I had to be forcibly ejected after projectile vomiting and assaulting the other guests.'
'You would never guess I have been in prison for poisoning would you?'
'Have you ever crouched naked over a mirror?'
Hope this will be some help in your illustrious future, I'm sure there's some hints there that we all can benefit from. Tomorrow how to apologise to all your guests when they return from the hospitals stomach pump room.