Friday, July 13, 2012

Hanging On The Telephone

"Hi Peter"


"Hi Peter Smith"

"Errr, hello."

And so it started, twelve phone calls in three days on landline and mobile numbers at random times of the day, as early as 8:45am and as late as 9:15pm. Where on earth do they get our telephone numbers from especially when we are registered with the telephone preference service? More to the point is how on earth do they know exactly who lives at this number too?

Of course after the first couple of annoying cold calls you realise that it's a no holds barred have fun time so have fun I did, the next caller from the same number got this...

"...Peter Sm"

"Yes, is it about my pizza? If you have forgot my extra pilchards I'm going to come down there and bust your balls"

Bzzzzzz, it worked and they disconnected. A few hours later they were back for a little more punishment.

"Is that Peter?"

"Is that really you? Do you really still work here? I need you to tell me so I know who I'm looking at"

That freaked them out a little and they disconnected noisily, probably looking over their shoulder but like a dog with a bone they really couldn't stop themselves and the very next day they tried again.

"Hello Peter", bit more polite I thought.

"Sorry I can't hear you clearly" I said banging on the table, "The police are just about to raid my crack house, can you call me back" I said in my poshest voice.

Silence on the other end ensued.

Bang! I dropped the phone. "Oh no! They have broken the door down!" I pushed the phone around the floor a little for effect then disconnected.

As you can see I was getting a little more dramatic each time, opportunities like this don't come along often so I let rip.

Day three.

"Hi Peter can I..."

"You have reached a restricted number in the UK that is monitored by the digital legal protection agency. Your phone call is a breach of national security and will be reported immediately. Your case number is 76248 should you wish to appeal against your fine. This is a recorded message and will now disconnect"

After checking some of the numbers and the way the telephone preference service works I found out that it really doesn't work unless the calls originated in the UK, many firms are now using this to bypass the service and route their calls so they come from out of the area covered so it looks like I will be getting many more in the coming days, I just wonder how more inventive I could be.

"Thankyou Sir or Madam, you have dialled the future, I am not a recorded message I am the McFly iTalk the latest innovation from Appleberrypie. Your options are - Press one to hear the winning lottery results for the next draw, press two to hear a cute noise, press three to teleport your pet, press four to order your own hover board or wait to be connected to the deity of the day. Thankyou for calling McFly iTalk, your call is important to us, please hold if you agree to us calling you every day for the next ten years. Thankyou I have added you to our preferred callers list. Have a nice day"


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