Opening Ceremony - Pets make excellent sheep recreating the countryside feeling as in the real event, toilet roll tubes look a lot like chimneys and wearing a moustache will allow you to feel all Victorian. Pop the radio on Smooth FM for the right music, just turn it off if Hey Jude comes on so not to spoil the fun. Light 300 candles all strapped together for an Olympic cauldron and get the family to march in and out of your living room changing clothes in between to give you that authentic feeling that Olympic teams are passing by. A two pence piece makes an excellent bronze medal, a bottle top for silver and a chocolate coin for gold.
Marathon - place the finish line at the top of a flight of stairs, run on the spot at the bottom for approximately three hours then sprint up the stairs to experience 'the wall', collapse over the finish line with the same exhausted elation of a marathon runner.
High Jump - Using different sizes of furniture start with an stool placed next to your bed for a soft landing and jump over it, gradually increase the size of furniture until you can skilfully clear a wardrobe for the gold medal.
Long Jump - Similar to the high jump this time use a line of settee cushions or several mattresses to act as a sand pit, use a placemat to act as the final step to launch from and coat this in wet paint, this will allow you to see exactly where you landed on the cushions and avoid disputes with relatives. Alternatively order a few tons of builders sand and dig a channel in the garden, scatter bits of builders rubble in the sand for extra injury excitement.
Javelin - Take a broom handle and attach a piece of foam to the end for extra weight and to avoid injury for a remarkable safety javelin. Paint a target on the wall and dip your end in a bit of paint for a new event, Javeldarts.
Shot Putt - Fill a tennis ball with cement and let harden, voila, instant shot putt. Spin yourself on a swivel seat then pick up your putt and try and to throw it though a narrow doorway to simulate the safety net effect. Your miss timed throws will safely bounce off your plaster walls.
Show jumping - This event requires two people, one to be the horse and the other to ride piggy back style. Arrange furniture in the garden adding unusual things like a settee near a pond for a water jump and upturned beds for those leg breakers on landing. See who is the faster around your course without damaging furniture or indeed your 'horsy'. You may of course whip your human horsy using a length of garden hose should you wish or indeed enjoy for encouragement.
100m Sprint - Place a bed underneath your highest window, leap from said window to drop at the same speed as Usain Bolt and safely onto your crash mat, it's the only way your going to recreate his speed anyway. Alternatively using several friends run a real 100m with all your opponents shoe laces tied together to experience that winning with ease feeling.
Swimming - Fill your bath until the water is flowing over the top, jump from a stool for a fast start and begin to swim, your head will stop you moving forward when it hits the tap end and you can carry on swimming without moving. Every twenty seconds do a forward roll and flail about until you have turned around successfully. Repeat until your metreage is complete and with a splash reach forward touch the taps to finish.
Cycling - Use bricks to raise a child's bike off the floor. Get on and pedal with a cardboard box on your head for streamlining, get a friend to blow a hair dryer at you to simulate wind. Get them to scream 'come on Team GB' or something similar for encouragement after every lap.
Trap Shooting - Using a water pistol filled with paint get a friend to throw various crockery into a room as you attempt to take them down, misses will show on the wall to allow you to alter you aim accordingly and items will be marked when hit.
Use several training steps that children use to reach the toilet to act as podiums, instead of using National Anthems use appropriate popular songs like Prodigy's 'Smack my bitch up' for the boxing winner and The theme from Blade for the fencing winner.
You can of course Supersize your Olympics by offering a platinum medal, the only event in this field though is to fight Chuck Norris which is exactly why they keep this event quiet at the real Olympics.
Closing Ceremony - Cover your house in Newspaper avoiding page three of the Sun, drive a car through your front door with friends dressed as the Spice Girls for a dramatic entrance. Alternatively burst through the door naked to feel like Jessie J and sing anything by Queen. Put on any of your old LPs to recreate classic tracks, use 500 party poppers tied together so one string sets them all off to literally blow your roof off and impress the neighbours whilst flicking your light switch on and off to the music for a dramatic light show. Finally wear a scruffy wig and hand over the responsibility of clearing it all up to a random stranger and tell them in four years time its their turn.
Voila! Instant Olympics, as a second income you can sell raffle ticket based event tickets to rooms around your house and even make a few more bob by touting them yourself at your front door to passers by.
Go Team GB!
Tomorrow how to recreate Krakatoa and host a beach volleyball pool party in your kitchen sink.
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal
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