I hope you are all enjoying your Easter break, the blog is going to take one too but it shall return on Monday with more tales of woe, stories of battling Minotaurs, fire breathing triple headed dogs guarding untold treasures and standing semi naked in the foyer of the local fitness club.
In fact I won't leave that little gem until Monday I'll tell you now whilst its still clear in my mind as it only occurred yesterday.
At school we were taught how to swim by wearing our pyjamas and rescuing a brick from the bottom of a swimming pool, I never did move on much from that so three times a week I go to the fitness club for a bit of a splish splash in the vain hope that my swimming will improve. Thinking about it the chances that I would be willing to rescue a brick in the first place and secondly be in my pyjamas at the same time are so remote I'd bet that my arse cheeks would appear singing on Britains Got Talent first, I wonder why they chose such a thing?
Anyway, I digress. There I was splashing about and managing to nab one of the 'swimmers' lanes as if I knew what an was doing when a loud noise started. More of a wail actually, it took a moment to sink in.
Fire! Fire!
Fire
Fire :(
Bugger.
Sopping wet I emerged from the pool and made my way dutifully to the changing rooms. I fumbled with my key to get the locker open when in burst one of the staff.
'Out now!'
'Wha?'
'Out now, no time for that!'
'But it's cold out there with snow on the ground and in case you didn't notice I'm not wearing clothes, I'm barefoot and wet!'
'You won't be cold if you burn to death, out!!', it's hard to argue with such impeccable logic and with that they ushered me out along with a few other stragglers desperately trying to get to a towel. So imagine my surprise yet again to find myself in another crap situation, namely shivering in a group of fully clothed people watching my nipples go hard and everything else shrinking.
'You look cold, your nipples have gone hard.' some joker quipped. 'They look like bullets mate' added comedian number two.
'Thanks Sherlock, next time you are on Mastermind choose a subject you know, like the bloody obvious. Of course I'm cold, I'm naked or as naked as I want to be in the foyer of a fitness centre surrounded by strangers and I'm starting to leave a puddle so if you don't mind stop pointing out my nipples.' I immediately placed one of my arms over both nipples, partly as a defence mechanism and secondly to get some heat to them. I looked like some chavy version of the Venus de Milo painting, I swept my soggy hair to one side to complete the look because I'm worth it.
After what seemed like twenty seven years we were allowed to go back to the pool, I was aware walking back that my swimming attire was clinging a little and as I was being followed by six hundred other fully clothed members I became more and more self conscious as I walked. It wasn't far to go but by the time I had reached the door I had stopped striding and was more shuffling, also if I bumped into anyone coming the opposite way my nipples would probably take their eyes out.
I eased back in the pool and splish splashed away...
Why am I telling you this?
It's because of this...
A leaflet that dropped through the door yesterday that took my breath away, hot dog pizza. Really? I thought I had seen most things from the local take aways but this was a god amongst them. Lets dispense with that stuffed crust rubbish and bin the garlic bread, what people really want more of now they don't trust beef is oodles of meat stuffed in a crusty roll attached around a pizza the size of a wagon wheel. It takes me a good forty minutes of swimming to remove the calories and fat I incurr from looking at a chocolate, if I ate this bad boy I'd practically have to live in the water to remove it.
Wow, that's a serious meal and its not alone. I have just seen pictures of a similar pizza only this time the hot dog is around the rim uncut like some pink flappy inner tube. I have no doubt it tastes delicious on some level but part of me is saying we really don't help ourselves do we.
You will be pleased to know my nipples returned to their normal level after standing in front of the oven for a bit.
See you Monday, have a great weekend!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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