Fault : Black Screen
Solution : This is a most complex problem that baffles TV engineers world wide but we at Thrifty Repairs have a quick solution for you. Turn it on. This powers up the televisions internal combustion engine and starts the hamster on the wheel, a picture will appear immediately. Many TV engineers would have dismantled the Sprocket Shuttlecock by now and broken the Dingle bird processing unit along the way.
Fault : Wavy Lines
Solution : Try changing channels, if the wavy lines go away only to return when you go back to the same channel then you are watching a program about the sea. Nothing to worry about, eventually the wavy lines will go away to be replaced by fish or something maritime such as a coracle or small crabs playing poker.
Fault : You Feel Depressed Watching TV
Solution : Avoid channels that have the word NEWS in them for they only tell bad news about bad things and bad people, your TV is not broken, the world is. Take up a hobby, hobbies can be found cavorting around in the countryside and resemble small coloured ponies. Hobbies include stamp collecting, giraffe spotting and polar bear mud wrestling although you don't tend to find them all together in one field as giraffes and polar bears hate stamps.
Fault : Everything
Solution : If you see this image on your TV then everything is broken. Immediately stand up and put your foot through the screen, this program renders your TV useless and has been known to cause Christmas number ones that really sound like number two's. Sufferers are often found forming queues around the country where they perform on stage to ridicule as part of their healing process. Major sufferers are then paraded on stage for eight weeks under the guidance of several top recovering sufferers.
Fault : Everything but its upside down.
Solution : As above but you are either watching in Australia where they have to nail everything to the roof because its all upside down or you are watching the Australian version elsewhere. To check have a look outside, if the birds are flying below your feet then indeed you are in Australia.
Fault : Bagpuss looks disapproving.
Solution : Bagpuss lives in your television at all times watching you, watching EVERYTHING you do in front of the television. As soon as he sees something really disgusting he comes to the front and sits and shakes his head in shame. All televisions come with Bagpuss installed, Madeline the Ragdoll and the Mice on the Mice Organ are optional extras. Bagpuss is watching you.
Fault : Boobies!
Solution : You people really have a one track mind don't you, look closely, you are really watching a documentary on the apple eating habits of the humble earthworm and you are sitting too close.
See, it's only worm eyes, it's no wonder Bagpuss is disgusted most of the time. Some of the filth he sees on your television is horrendous, it's nearly as bad as your browsing history.
That concludes this issue, I hope it has saved you £££ 's in repair bills. You are now fully qualified to become a television engineer. Tomorrow Nuclear Power stations and how to save £££'s by building one in your potting shed at a fraction of the price using uranium scraped off old glow in the dark watches. A neat addition to the oil refinery we built last week out of coke bottles and bicycle pumps.
Remember our motto, Be thrifty as you approach fifty because fifty is nifty when your thrifty!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
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