Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Stuff It

I see in the news today that after a decade, yes a decade, they have finally agreed on a new food labelling standard to make healthy choices easier for the consumer. No really true is it, for a start only 60% of foodstuffs have been agreed upon and the code is entirely voluntary so it's going to be as useful as farting in a spacesuit. It's not the first time either that the issue has been bandied about as a headline, the last voluntary code was the use of a traffic light system which was immediately ruined when manufacturers decided to use colour psychology and make the bad information green and the good information pink rather than red. Pink is a positive calming colour used in the jail system in various states in America where cells painted this way helped make handling inmates easier, just like green gives you the go ahead even though it may be highlighting a bigger than average helping of fat. Sigh.

Anyway, to save us all another decade of wrangling and wasting money until someone less greedy and inclined to have common sense comes along, which lets face it is about as likely as a paragliding horse in fancy dress to come crashing through my roof as I write this, I have created a handy 'at a glance' system and saved everyone squillions in ££££'s

See, straight away it tells you in no uncertain terms using a chubbability scale, to this you add this... tell you where the chubbability will end up, in this case it will give you a back rack, or booty bar depending on your point of view. Add to this a visual guide...

This shows that this food contains a normal recommended amount of everything.

For foodstuffs that are a little bit naughty you get this, a slight bump if consumed in large quantities.

Serious foods get the chubbability stamp of Fat Sam whilst the excessive foods get...

...a Jabba. Simple recognition without the need for fancy colours so the final label will look like this.

One glance and it tells you fat information, the type of diabeties it could put you at risk of getting and the amount of salt according to your exposure to sailors. Land Lubber is low salt, Seadog is medium whilst Pirate Of The High Seas is excessive. Calories use the chubbability scale. No fuss, no mess, no confusion.

Sorted Mr Government, now how do I get to pay the miniscule tax that the food manufacturers pay apart from labelling myself as a cake or being served at a luke warm temperature? BTW you owe me £6.5 million for the idea and no it's a bit like your taxes, it's not voluntary.


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