Welcome to our world famous two michelin tyres restaurant complete with complimentary swearing chef, waiters that will do their upmost to look down their noses and spit in your stew and of course our world famous cuisine made from the finest ingredients and plenty of chemicals to make things froth and bubble. In other words posh microwave meals in small portions.
A raft of seafood set afloat a green sea awash with a delicately flavoured ju presented in a cylinder of glass (prawn cocktail in a pint pot) £7
Carefully sliced and shaped exotic fruit combined with thin hand carved succulent red meat. (Melon boat with ham) £8
A multitude of fish shaped into oblong sculptures and coated in a golden dusting of crispness rolled in a spicy sauce and served between two lightly toasted squares accompanied by a delicate selection of pencil thin bites prepared in a futuristic fashion. (Fish finger sandwiches with brown sauce and micro chips) £13
Hand pressed slices of coated baked joy betwixt which lays an ordered layer of heat crisped salted potato oozing with a secret flavoured dressing. (Chip buttie with melted Lurpak) £14
Circular roundels of baked goodness decorated with a festival of colour adjoining a display of triangular nibbles prepared using our chefs latest methods. (Microwave pizza with potato wedges) £20
(V) You will love this. Oven crafted hollowed out ovals stuffed full with a mouthwatering selection of high energy giving foods coated in a rich tomato sauce poured delicately over the top at your table. (Baked potato with heinz baked beans poured over by the waiter) £40
Soft sponge rolled in a thin layer of sweet fruit hiding a secret vanilla filling. (Arctic roll) £3.99
Protruding sweet half moons swimming in a lake of vanilla, comes with edible protective film. (Bananas and Birds custard allowed to skin over) £7
Snappable baked squares that come ready to decorate with a fine selection of squeezed triangles of spreadable comfort. (Kraft cheese triangles squeezed onto Jacobs crackers) £8 - £3 extra if you wish to squeeze your own.
White £33 - Made from grapes
Red £6 - Pea pod burgundy for special occasions.
Blue Nun £60 - ideal for fish, red meat, chicken and children.
Noet champagne - our distinguished Blue Nun passed through a Soda Stream £299
Coffee and cats only 60p extra, ask for our cat cots if you have particularly troublesome cats. Children welcome as long as they stay outside and do not lean against the windows. No dogs, elephants, giraffes or marsupials. The proper attire must be worn at all times, smart trousers for gentlemen, no underwear for women. False noses are optional but definitely no clowns allowed, not since I watched Stephen King's IT. Anyway, it had a really crap ending didn't it? I mean, a giant spider, come on.
We are open when we are not closed during the week and closed when we are not open at the weekend. Coach parties welcome although we only have room to seat three coaches due to the amount of seats each coach takes up.
You must be this high to enter and be accompanied by an adult unless you are an adult in which case you must be accompanied by a goat wearing a duffel coat.
Please remain seated until the ride stops, I can't stop typing and it's degenerating into some kind of mental drivel, it's like being on a ride without brakes, only it's a really crappy ride and the straps are cutting into you, then you suddenly realise you are actually in a padded room and those ride attendants aren't really ride attendants and they are carrying needles not cuddly toys.