Locul

What's this? A local community magazine for free pops through my door? Ooo, its full of exciting stuff said no one ever although I do find them somewhat entertaining. I did manage to find tucked away at the back a rather curious puzzle page, I have included a quick photo of it here.

As a lover of puzzles I pondered over these mind benders for a while before realising I could do with wasting my life on something useful like plucking out my nasal hairs with pliers after reading the solutions. Have you got the 'hidden phrases' yet?

Didn't think so.

The first is 'Three Piece Suite', gettit? don't worry they get easier.

The second is (drum roll) 'No Peace For The Wicked', I always thought it was no rest for the wicked but then again I'm normal and not a professional mind bender which is why the last one *really* makes sense.

It's football, it's to do with scores, it's 'All For One And One For All', that's about as tenuous and tedious as it gets for flips sake.

Anyway, personally it's about time they upped their game as pretty much the rest of it is assorted articles mixed with advertising, not bad but it could do with a little va va voom. So in the interests of injecting a little excitement into these local magazines why not throw in a few celebrities, as we know, celeb sells, then we may get something like this.

See, looks better already, inside you will find loads of fun articles and words from our sponsors. You too can advertise and receive endorsements from as little as £10 per month for a 1cm x 1cm advert. (Maximum two words, no website address, black and white only, elephants need not apply)

 Hello, its Ronnie here and I'm joined by top celeb Baa-bara Windsor who is showing off her delightful new Sheeplifts. No more problems getting sheep up stairs at night simply plug in this wonder chair and your sheep lifting problems will be no more. Glides effortlessly with yews, rams or even goats if the mood takes you. Maximum speed 25mph (caution - sudden stops could damage fragile sheep, all sheep must be fastened in securely using our sheep strap system. We are not responsible for catapulted sheep). Call us now on 22-22-BAAA

 Ever wondered how pint pot celebrities like me live? Well, my secret is revealed I live in a luxury fur lined Hovelshoe, the first affordable five star shoe house on the market. Hovelshoes make ideal starter homes and are available in a wide variety of colours. Each Hovelshoe comes complete with three bedrooms, a kitchen diner and a small garden and cloakroom. For an extra charge we can install windows and doors around our patented strap and heel system. Extra grip on your Hovelhouse means you won't be caught out in bad weather either and helps protect you from the elements all year round with it's suade simulated outer shell. 'I love my Hovelhouse' says Ronnie and you can too! Only three plots left on our extensive luxury estate Stiletto Walk, hurry up, they won't last long at these prices. 95% mortgages available on all Hovelshoes, buy a left and get a right absolutely free! (offer restricted to Shoeless people only)

Struggling for space? Hate smelly toilets? Yes? Well why not try our new Windex personal evacuation station. In minutes we can install our patented toilet system safely away out of sight in your unwanted and unused loft space. Use your now free bathroom as a bedroom whilst you dump away out of sight in your roof space loft loo. Turn it into a whole new experience and take advantage of our transparent delivery system. A set of see through tubes that pass down the walls so you can see at a glance just what's going off upstairs as it passes before you on its way to the sewerage farm. Want a poo with a view? For a limited time get a Windex Loft Loo and we will install a small window hatch in your roof for free, so you can view as you poo from the loo. Only £99 plus twenty four installations of £999

Looking for fun? Come to Tiptop Land, the countries premier Mining Family Attraction. Climb a slag heap, send five year olds to the coal face with nothing but a budgie and a candle, get a magical coal dust face at our Hairy Potter attraction which features live ferrets. Leave your kids to play in the Coal Pool whilst you relax in the comfort of the Miners Arms, a traditional mining pub full of pints, fights and manly chat.

Tiptop is the Top of the Tips, just five minutes from the M1 along a lonely road through a forgotten town that has seen better days.

Adults £1 Children FREE (as long as they are prepared to mine at least 25kg of coal)

LOCUL GOSSIP is printed on sustainable toilet paper, all views expressed are my own and in no way do I endorse that sheep should live upstairs.