Monday, February 24, 2014

Spam, Spam, Glorious Spam

What an incredibly lucky week I had last week, every single day I received good news emails, at this rate I can retire!

On Monday I was contacted by an inspection agent working at the United Nations who had found two metal boxes (W61 x H156 x D73 (cm)) that had been left unclaimed by a courier.


I am thompson Cole the newly appointed United Nations Inspection Agent in JFK Airport New York. During our Investigation, we discovered An abandoned shipment on your name through a Diplomat from London. which was transferred to our facility here in JF Kennedy Airport and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metal Trunk Box weighing approximately 55kg each.

I beleived each of the boxes will contain more that $4M or above in each and the consignment is still left in storage house till today through a registered shipping Company, Courier Dispatch Service Limited a division of Tran guard LTD. The Consignment are two metal box with weight of about 55kg each (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm). Effective capacity: 680 L.)Approximately.

The details of the consignment including your name the official document from United Nation office in London are tagged on the Metal Trunk box.If you want us to transact the delivery for mutual benefit, you should provide your Phone Number, full address, to cross check if it corresponds with the information on the official document, also you should provide the name of nearest Airport around you and other details to me for onward delivery.

I want us to transact this business and share the money, since the shipper have abandoned it and ran away.I will pay for the Non inspection fee and arrange for the boxes to be moved out of this Airport to your address, Once we are through i will deploy the services of a secured shipping Company geared to provide the security it needs to your doorstep or i can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble. But we will share it 70% for you and 30% for me. But you have to assure me of my 30%.

Amazingly they had my details attached to the front and upon further inspection he said they contain £2,000,000 each. Of course as a finder he would like to keep 30% but he can get them flown to me at an airport of my choice for a small fee. I replied immediately and they are due sometime this week.

On Tuesday I received this mysterious message,

I have a Crude Oil business project to discuss with you.
I want to send you details of this project.
Do confirm that your email address is still valid.
I wait reply
Kim J

Well, of course now I am about to come into some money I jumped at the chance to become an oil baron, it was so easy, I just confirm my email address and they send me the paperwork to fill in using simple details as name, address and social security number for identity check, all the usual. So I now own shares in an oil field in Nigeria that's about to strike it big and pay out in £££'s

On Wednesday disaster struck, my Barclays, Apple and Amazon accounts had been compromised, luckily they had all contacted me from the same email address to help me reset my accounts using a simple downloadable file.

Barclays Bank have employed some industrial leading models to start performing an extra security check with Your Online Banking Activities to ensure a safe and secure Online and Mobile Banking.

For security reasons we attached the Update Form to this e-mail.
You are requested to follow the provided steps and Update Your Online Banking details, for the safety of Your Accounts.

- Please download and submit the form with the requested details.
- Fill in all required fields with your acurately details (otherwise will lead to service suspension)
- ATTENTION! This form does not harm your computer anyhow, HTML or HyperText Markup Language is the main markup language for creating web pages and other information that can be displayed in a web browser.
- Ignore any further messages (if there are any) from internet browsers that are saying that our form could damage your computer, Thank you.

Warning: If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporary hold on your funds.
Thank you for your patience as we work together to protect your account.

One simple click later after reading that in no way will the file harm my computer 'anyhow' and a few personal details it was sorted. How efficient. A fourth email informed me of a package awaiting pickup, again I confirmed my details online but have yet to find out what the surprise package is or indeed where it is. How exciting!

Thursday I was in demand again!


I Hope you get this on time, I made a trip to (UKRAINE) and had my bag stolen from me with my passport and personal effects therein. The embassy has just issued me a temporary passport but I have to pay for a ticket and settle my hotel bills with the Manager.

I have made contact with my bank but it would take me 3-5 working days to access funds in my account, the bad news is my flight will be leaving very soon but I am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let me leave until I settle the bills, I need your help/LOAN financially and I promise to make the refund once I get back home, you are my last resort and hope, Please let me know if I can count on you and I need you to keep checking your email because it's the only way I can reach you.



I was only too happy to help and immediately wired over the correct funds and all my personal details.

By Friday news of my good fortune had gotten round and I had ladies throwing themselves at me with suggestive emails.

The first from Kinky Odelia was a bit forward then her friends Lolo Nordstrom, Britt Banger and a few others joined in.

Apparently they all know 'how to use them', at this rate I will be up to my armpits in butts and boobs which is either adventurous or disturbing depending on how you view this type of thing.

A final email popped into my inbox during this remarkable week from Barrister Jackson Westlaw


When I opened the attachment out popped Kinky Odelia with my oil shares, she also had with her two metal boxes and had thoughtfully purchased loads of items using my Amazon and Apple accounts before withdrawing a large sum of money from Barclays. Apparently I had also settled her hotel bill in the Ukraine where she had stopped off after quitting her job at the United Nations.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better today I have been offered the opportunity to download a free app that 'fixes' computerised roulette wheels so I can make a fortune on gambling sites. How cool is that? My computer must be incompatible though because after I had downloaded it and run the program it said something about Bitlocking and asked for a donation of £1000 to proceed, I'm sure I have done something wrong. Not to worry I'll ask Kinky Odelia, she seems good on computers.

Today's blog has been culled from an astounding week of spam emails I received and I am now the proud owner of twenty five boxes of Viagra and an astonishing set of breast enhancements that I'm getting more entertainment out of than I ever thought possible.

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