Monday, October 27, 2014
What A Fartist
We take three artists to discover what they do on a normal day...
Artist 1 - Miriam Mandrake-Debeers-Dahlink
Woke at 10:30am and immediately went downstairs to ask my family if they are aware of just who I am. They didn't care so I went back to bed to sulk.
Had panic attack at 11:30am when I suddenly realised that I had to go to the supermarket where nobody knows who I am. Decided to go anyway but dress flamboyantly, talk loudly and pretentiously about the supermarket layout until somebody noticed.
In the studio at 1pm after a lunch of caviar and wine, splashed a few colours around on a canvas and asked my common people to finish it for me, I will sign it later.
3pm Awoke from my day bed to find my helpers slacking, shouted at them for ten minutes until they acknowledged who I was and that they should be grateful working for me. As punishment I made them produce another seven pieces of my art before they could leave for the day.
5pm Got ready for my appearance at the Artycobblers Gallery, made sure I arrived loud and late before drinking copious amounts of champagne and using the words juxtaposition and narrative. I threw in a few expressions and influences to wow my public.
9pm Got home after being escorted by the gallery owners, I will have it no other way, I am the most important person they have ever met and I jolly well made sure they knew it as I insisted on being carried all the way to my taxi. They had the audacity to call me a common black cab instead of a private limousine, they will suffer my wrath tomorrow as I insist that all my work is removed from their common gallery and given pride of place in a more worthy one.
3am Woke up in a sweat wondering who I am.
Artist 2 - Artifarst Pablo Turner
Got up and made breakfast, a piece of granola was an eighth of a degree out from the frozen raspberry, it was so out of place it completely spoiled my day.
Looked at Facebook, found other artists were getting likes so went back to bed to sulk. How dare they post, most of them are just lazy layabouts that can't even paint and moan about the slightest thing. Not like me, I bet most of them don't even wear berets and smocks the philistines. They take nothing seriously.
1pm Tried to paint but the haunting image of only three likes on my Facebook post of 'Autumn Of Discontent XXXIV' disturbed me greatly. I must contact my agent to complain severely about the promotion of others over my far superior work.
1:30pm Posted the status 'Painting my thoughts...' on Facebook, I'm enraged that somebody commented with the words 'Not much on your canvas then.' and immediately banned them! Went on a studio wrecking strop that ended up with me paying £45 to boost my Facebook post to gain likes for my page. I'll show them.
2:30pm Realised that I cannot afford the £45 without missing out on a few meals and regretted my impulse until I found I had two new likes. Feeling great!
4pm Looked at the newsfeed and came across a photo of a fellow artist at an appearance surrounded by people. How dare they post it where I can see it, just because I am a Facebook friend dosen't mean I want to share in their charmed life, why wasn't it me? I shall complain severely!
5:30pm Dug out an old artist appearance photo and skillfully cropped it to look like the gallery was busy, I blurred out a few gallery staff to make them look like collectors and posted it on Facebook with the caption 'Great day, it was packed, thanks to all the people who came along!!! Xxxx OMG xxxx!!!!!! Xxxxx I love you all!!!! Xxxxx #emotional #thankyou'
7pm Painted the greatest painting in the world after receiving ten likes! I'm over the moon and my latest painting is a game changer! I shall call it Autumn Of Discontent XXXXXXXIIV
10pm In bed, happy, I love being an artist.
1am No new likes, I'm distraught.
Artist 3 - Peter Smith
7:30am Crap nights sleep again so dragged myself up and made breakfast. Spilt milk all over my slippers again, I really don't know how I manage it.
8:15am Sat in Bunnyopolis, Aaran, Jura and Iona our three continental giant rabbits decided to have a run up and down the muddy garden before launching themselves at me with excitement. My clothes are covered in muddy footprints but I don't mind, I lowered my head so they could head nuzzle me.
9:00am In the studio thinking what to blog about. My mind won't work this morning so sit looking through my small library of books until something clicks. Write an entry about Blamange and read it back to myself, it's not very funny so I scrub it and start again. Two hours later it's complete, I'm not happy with it but it's 11:00am an I need to get a move on.
11:00am Blog posted I sit down to start painting, again my head is not working, it's full of odd stuff I need to shift out. Things like why are jumpers called jumpers? And why is earth called earth when it's made of earth? Not very imaginative is it?
11:15am Have a sudden urge to write a story for a painting so sit down and start 'The Curious Tale Of The Bobbledonkey', a short about a donkey that couldn't stop bouncing.
11:30am Realise I have just wasted fifteen minutes again when my mind flew at a tangent. Must concentrate.
11:31am Get distracted when I see the pigeon from the studio window starting to kick the security camera again.
11:33am Start painting.
12:01pm Still painting, get obsessed with depth and take far too long painting a one piece. Decide to test the depth by cutting out a small frame and mounting it on a metre long ruler. Looking through I can estimate the optimal viewing depth for the painting and change my technique accordingly before realising I am being incredibly anal about all this. I don't care, it's all in the detail.
12:34pm Finish building a complete depth gauge system out of an old tripod to test all my new paintings and add a small battery operated lighting system to indicate luminosity. Realise again I may be taking it too far.
2:00pm Finish painting for the day and move on to model making for the Lost Impossimals. Start work on an extension to the Fat Floppy Fluffs painting by building a five foot rabbit hole. On the table beside it is a six foot long Tower Bridge with a half built Whatabanker. Must get that complete in the next few weeks so I can set fire to it for the painting.
4:23pm Did a little more work on the shop where everyone's childhood is kept, it's looking good. Little jars of memories, old toys and forgotten feelings all displayed just need to complete the shopkeeper.
5:00pm Back painting after snacking on a tin of tuna. Wash the tin out and use the tin snips to flatten it out, it's a useful material so it gets out in the Lost Impossimals prop box for later use.
6:00pm Trying to finish a painting but I'm not happy with it. Jayne tells me it's fine but I refuse to listen, I turn it over in disgust and go indoors.
7:00pm Time to start working my way through the days emails, tweets, Facebook posts and tweaking the website.
8:00pm Sit down to read, play a little on the iPad and drink wine.
6:45am Couldn't sleep again but skillfully avoid pouring milk on my slippers by dropping granola instead.
8:35am. Back in the studio, maybe last nights painting doesn't look that bad. Decide to test how bad it is by using my set squares and French curves to test it's aesthetics. Realise again I'm being unduly anal but finish checking it anyway.
9:12am Start looking for something to blog about.
10:00am Start worrying about what to paint.
10:05am Start worrying about what to paint next.
10:06am Start worrying about if I am painting well enough.
10:08am Start worrying about worrying so much, it's worrying.
10:10am Suddenly think to myself 'What Do Artists Really Do All Day?' and realise that if I was the subject of the BBC program of the same name I wouldn't in the slightest know what to tell them I do!