Wednesday, November 26, 2014

He's Behind You!

Hi guys and gals, my name is Peter Crimblecock and I am an actor. How do you know I'm an actor? Well, I will tell you I'm an actor at every opportunity. I was voted the critics choice for my role as a tea bag in Ken Barlows front room 'fancy a brew' scene, a role discribed as mouth-wateringly tepid and dippable. Recently I have been filming my latest role as 'man crossing road' in News At Ten a role I expect will be nominated for TV Quicky award as most popular man crossing street in News At Ten.

Aside from the fact that I have a sexy body and I'm an actor I am also very versatile and can suit any mood. Looking for a sultry sexbomb for your latest flick? Then meet Dick Pencil, my sensual alter ego...

Dick by name dick by nature ladies, check out the guns and tats, I'm so smooth I often slip out of my own clothes unexpectedly. Ideally I would love to star in your romantic comedy or chick flick. Previous experience includes chief stroker on Love's Quarter Pounder and plumber in Pipecleaners On The Go. If you are looking for a more masculine acting experience then how about when I become...

Tommy Rambo, the gun toting magician who just wants to get a trick right. I remember one scene from the film Tommy VII where I took on Debbie McGee and the entire Russian army using nothing but a toothpick, a cane that turns into flowers and a soft toy called Colin after finding out diminutive Paul Daniels had stole my trick. Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, whooooaahhhh!!!! Ali Bongo! Take that!! Ratatatatatatat!!!! Hey presto! You mothers won't take me alive!!!!

Sorry about that, once I start acting a roll I find it hard to GET DOWN YOU MOTHERS!!!! come out of it.

If you prefer I can become the perfect Prince Charming...

I have more smarm that you could ever stomach so I'm ideal for panto. Critics have often said that when I'm on stage they haven't enjoyed themselves so much in ages, the fact that they stayed at home is a minor point and I'm not going to quibble. Other rolls include ill dog in Downton Abbey (that golden retriever suit was a little uncomfortable) and Bruce Forsyths stunt wig in Strictly. I'm currently appearing as Simon Cowells tight trousers and have just finished playing Paddington Bear in the latest movie where my role was to make Paddington as unlike the real Paddington Bear as much as I could, something I have been very proud of pulling off.

I also do my own stunts, in Hong Kong Chop Suey Fooey I played agent 009 and decimated the Crazy 67 gang using only a toilet chain as a weapon such are my skills. I can also run and slide on my knees after extensive practice at weddings. My extraordinary skills were once bought into play for a scene in Teletubbies where I was required to drop kick Noo Noo from six paces and one inch punch Po in the LaLa's. The ensuing battle through the night garden was so violent that Rosie and Jim sustained massive injuries when Peppa Pig took exception to their narrow boat and attacked it with a squeaky hammer. I finished with a roundhouse kick that took out Dora The Explorer for good.

Peter Crimblecock is available NOW, all roles considered. Book for Christmas and get a packet of wine gums absolutely FREE


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